Sunday, December 30, 2012

Give It Up

Not that I intend for this to be a sad post, but I'm still migraining, despite the hydrocodone, and starving! Had a protein bar and leftover red beans and rice, and still my tummy is grumbling. The bright spot is my doggy curled warmly against my ribs. :) <3

I did actually notice a change in my reflection the other day. Might have been my clothes, but my profile looked a little thinner.

Yes, I have been staying away from scales. They don't ever make me happy anyway.

Sometimes you have to give things up. I don't have to give up anything like smoking or drinking, but I need to give up on some unhealthy relationships and potentials.

You can give somebody time to see you, value you, show an interest in you, and even treat you decently after years of having it easy and treating you like garbage, and all it does is kill your spirit when they don't ever man up. They're too involved with themselves to make room for you in their lives. They always have excuses for their coldheartedness. For why they fall short of the mark.

So, time's up. You know who you are. Take a stand or walk away. Your coach is about to turn into a pumpkin.

As for me? Don't worry, I can fill my time. And I can live without pumpkins. One thing I have learned about myself in the last year... I can walk away myself. I can even jog. Sometimes sprint. I've got the endurance to keep going, even if i am a bit slow. Things tend to become clearer even if you are running in place on a treadmill. You'll never catch me because your butt is parked on the couch in front of the TV. It's not too late to start, but the longer you wait, the harder it will be to catch up. I did what I could to help. Now it's time to help myself.

Hormones and Paint Fumes

Because hormones and paint fumes haven't done enough to make me so dizzy I can't walk, I'm gonna take a hydrocodone.

I've had a migraine for four days. It coincided with monthly hormones, so I think they are to blame. Thanks for the hand-in-hand dizziness, by the way. My life is so lovely.

Because I already had a migraine, I gave my sister and nephew a hand with painting last night. Two rooms. It took hours. I figured I couldn't get any dizzier so the paint fumes weren't likely to hurt.

On the other hand, I am serious about wanting my loaned painting supplies back. YES, really.

I need to go to the gym and renew my membership. Ha! I was NOT a Januarian. I started with a six month membership in June 2011. Then I renewed it for a year in December and it's time again. I have goals to meet, but not resolutions. Resolutions are something you drop by the end of January.

However, it is Sunday, and I don't believe anyone is there to renew it for me today.

I haven't been to the gym in a couple of weeks. The truth is, I was feeling the signs of physical exhaustion and the last week of school butted right against Christmas Eve (I had ONE day off before Christmas to finish everything. ONE. ) And then my dog was attacked and that took away the few precious hours before the newly-rescheduled a day early family Christmas stuff. so I spent a lot of afternoons and evenings working frantically on my father's gift -- a large crocheted blanket. When I took a break from working on it, I simply passed out where I was for several hours.

Exhaustion. The last Sunday, I woke up feeling hung over, but with no alcohol involved. Headache, nausea, dizziness, sore and actually hurting all over. Not quite flu symptoms, but when I asked the pros on a running forum I frequent, they said I'm doing too much, going by my workout log. Some advised me to take the day for rest, some advised a week. My shin splints were ramping up on my again anyway, even on days I wasn't running. I inadvertently took over a week. Now it's time to go back. No need to feel guilty. People who have the flu have to take a week anyway.

For those of you that don't know, I may make crocheting a blanket look easy (or not -- I'm often treated with disdain over that), but in reality it takes over a month to make one and $60+ in materials alone. Oh, that's before anyone demands they want one much larger than the others I've made.

I'm just ONE old maid, sorry. You'll get what you get, if you get anything. :). I love you.

I didn't get finished with the blanket in time. I gave it unfinished, and took it back home to finish it, but that sort of situation is always received as if you stiffed the person for a gift altogether. There's no magic spell that crochets blankets. It's absolutely labor-intensive. I get burned out.

It may be that my view of Christmas 2012 is dark and painful because of what happened to my dog. It absolutely ruined my holiday, and his too. I kept him pumped full of pain meds.

I don't feel as if I really pleased anyone with their gifts, though I did actually put a lot of thought and effort into theirs. Hey, I could have given everyone a gift card and not been stressed out by Christmas. But I didn't. My sister and I were the only ones who shopped. Next year everybody may just get a gift card from me too. No stress, and I'll save about 75%. Let's just depersonalize the whole thing.

Actually, I could just go and do all of my 2013 Christmas shopping today and get it over with. Just go to Wal-Mart and get everyone a gift card. Bam! I beat everybody on do-ahead shopping! Yeah buddy!

Don't misunderstand, I appreciated my gifts, but Christmas was rather poisoned for me this year, in many ways. It's like my birthday. I'd just rather ignore the day than have to hear dozens of times that my birthday is so wonderful because its Valentine's Day. Normal people have great V Days. Mine is usually no big deal, if it is even remembered. It was this year. I'll be eligible to donate blood again on my birthday next year, and that will be just about appropriate to validate my self-worth.

I'm going to use my woman's mystique card and blame that bitter little snarkfest on my pain and hormone hurricane. Anytime you want to kick in, hydrocodone, you just feel free. Oh, you're a little out of date? Figures. I could always take another one, I suppose.

Maybe I should do what that article "6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person" says and spend my time working to help others. I noticed that I had two pairs of Reeboks in my closet that were brand new. I'd bought them on clearance and realized too late they are just too small for my feet. I thought I'd drop them off at Goodwill, but on the other hand, they might make a decent gift for a needy student at my school. I think that would be better than Goodwill, in this case. I wish we still had a Goodwill store, though. None of the donations currently benefit our community. They go elsewhere to be sorted, cleaned, and resold.

(Language Warning - it does say harsh) I support the notion that saying you'll pray for someone and do nothing concrete is useless. It's a lazy person's out that makes them feel so piously validated. Pray, yes, but what are you going to DO to help? God may do the work for you if you pray hard enough. Okay, I see why that is appealing. But what if what God wants is for us to get up off our lazy behinds and DO something? Make those good intentions actually bear fruit? Can you call yourself a friend when you never have anything to do with a person, and very publicly snub them? I suppose so, if you define friendship by how many friends you have on Facebook.

Shades of a well-known joke:

Two Boats and a Helicopter

Once there was a man whose house was in a flood. He stood on the porch as the waters rose. A boat came by, the driver urged the man to get on board but the man said he was waiting on the Lord to save him. The waters rose, the first floor was flooded and as the man looked out his second story window, another boat came to rescue him. The man turned the boat away, saying he would wait for God to rescue him. Finally he was clinging to the chimney on the roof. A helicopter flew overhead and dropped down a ladder. The man waved it off, saying Jesus would save his life. Finally he was swept away in the waters and drowned. At the pearly gates, he saw God and said, Lord, all my life I did as you asked but when the time came you did not save me. And God said, "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what else did you want?"

(This version copied from

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Barkless and Distressed

I'm the distressed one. I took the bandages off my dog's neck last night and he seemed relieved. A little itchy, but that may be due to having his neck shaved for treatment. Then again, healing wounds often itch.

He was doing a little whining tonight with his mouth, rather than his throat, so I gave him a dose of codeine. Dr. White said not to let him suffer any pain, because it wasn't his fault it happened anyway.

I tried to get him to bark, but all that came out was a strangled squeak. I hope it's just a factor of his throat still being swollen from the attack. I hope his voice isn't damaged permanently. I love hearing him bark and do his crazy play growl at me ... Rawr rawr rawr while he bumps his butt on a chair, being silly.

I think my worries about him are driving my insomnia, which is driving me this week. What I need is for Morpheus, god of dreams, to come and drag me onto his chariot to some pleasant location for a few hours. Lets see if he stands me up.

New Years plans? I've only ever had plans once as an adult.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Cheese Straw Evolution

And now for something completely different. Yesterday was horrific. Making homemade cheese straws with a faulty recipe is somewhat... less.... horrific. Merely greatly annoying.

After working for hours the other night, I had a hard time making my cheese straws come out right. I think the problem is a combination of several errors, some of which are possibly deliberately spread misinformation from those who wish not to share an easy recipe.

Either that, or I've truly got an oven limping toward its demise. I suppose I need to obtain an oven thermometer and test it. But I have had so many adverse results from that oven in the last eleven years, it's made me believe I don't know how to cook.

It could be the suggested temperature of 400 degrees, cooked for ten minutes. I've seen a few recipes that called for as long as 25 minutes at 300 or 325 degrees. I put mine back in for an extra 15 to 20 minutes of extra cooking and they became crispier. Hmmmm.....

As I said before, the problem could be a terminally ill oven. I'm not putting in a wall oven again. I'll get a range and put it on the wall, reclaiming my kitchen from a stupid remodel done by a previous owner. Unfortunately, I'll have to redo the floor and base cabinets too, at the very least, at the same time. And the walls... *sigh*. It would be far easier to just sell the house and move.

The mixed ingredients are always too dry and stiff to put through a cookie press without adding in a bunch of water. However, I recently discovered a tip that has possibilities: the author said that she forgot to set her butter and cheese out to soften for creaming, so she put them in the microwave at level one, which almost liquified the butter and cheese. Very melty, but perfect for mixing the flour into. :D. I'm going to try that. It worked when I made sausage balls as a kid. That might eliminate the extra water needed. She also used a pastry bag with a large star tip, so I may try that if my straws keep disappointing me. I'm pretty sure my Pampered Chef cookie press makes them too thick, especially when the dough is so thick and stiff.

It deserves a bit of experimentation, I think, because I do loves me some cheese straws!

Still, I think that I'll begin my experiments with half batches, just in case. If my method works, I'll experiment with favors sometime. :). It's highly unlikely I won't end up with something inedible, in any case. I bet I can find someone who'll eat the failures.

But first, I need to replace my hand mixer. Turns out it is obsolete and I can't buy replacement beaters for it. :(. This is a good reason to buy a KitchenAid stand mixer. I always liked stand mixers better than hand mixers anyway. Yes, I have somewhere to put it. No matter what mixer you use, you'll still have to wash beaters and a bowl anyway. I will say this: making cheese straws completely without a mixer is a tedious process.

Let's not go there again.

My baby was almost killed...

I'm lying on my bed at ten am Christmas Day, with a very injured and traumatized Yorkie napping against me, head on my hip. He's been too full of morphine to do much more than lie around with his tongue hanging out, in a very loopy state.

Yesterday, I heard someone screaming in my front yard. It was the girl across the street, screaming because a larger dog was attacking mine, and just about to kill him. It had Quincy by the throat, and kept attacking. Because my dog was leashed, he couldn't get away. He just lay on his back, trying to play dead. Eyes open wide and terrified, tongue hanging out, trying to look submissive.

He had a torn tongue, bloody eye, three neck wounds, one of which was his jugular, and went into shock. His pupils were dilated and he shivered uncontrollably.

I got a lot of lame excuses from the attacking dog's owner, from saying it wasn't his dog -- it is his landlord's dog (bs - they aren't allowed pets and she lives in another state), to "it's a house dog" to explain why he was running loose. The same dog had attacked a cat across the street this morning in its yard, and then it came after my dog. It looked like a gigantic Jack Russell Terrier, only mixed with something larger and stockier. The guy just stood off in the distance, not making a move to stop his dog.

I told him my dog is a house dog too, and he is always on a leash outside, so don't give me that garbage about having a house dog. You don't let a house dog run around loose in the middle of a heavily populated neighborhood.

I also told him I'll shoot the dog if I see it in my yard again. My mind was screaming all sorts of horrible threats and profanities. I didn't say any of those things out loud.

I still think I may put out a warrant on him and make him pay for the vet bill.

Police were called, saying they could do nothing but cite the owner for violating the leash law, and I took my poor baby to the hospital, wrapped in a towel to keep him warm.

He hasn't wanted me out of his sight, so for Christmas dinner, I didn't eat or do much. I haven't been hungry anyway. I guess i was in shock too. When a family member held him so I could get some food or just to give me a break, he tried to follow me. So putting his head on my hip for some petting reassures me that he's dealing with the situation.

Unfortunately, with his injured tongue, he doesn't want to eat or drink, though I'm using a medicine syringe to squirt water in his mouth occasionally. Oh, he hates that as much as he hates the three medicines he has to take for his wounds -- codeine, anti-inflammatory steroid, and antibiotics. But I can't let him get dehydrated.

Now that he's walking again, he ambles slowly around the house when his pain medicine fades, too scared and out of it to remember to ring his bell when he wants to go out. Slowly turning circles for me to follow him. Everything is slow motion for him now. The vet told me to keep giving him his pain meds; there is no reason for him to suffer any more than he already is with his fear.

It's ironic that his leash endangered him, because now he can't wear a collar when he goes outside. I'm also scared to let him out on his leash in his own front yard, but he has made sure to re mark all of the verticals in my yard and the house to my left. It's still his yard. I'll just have to go outside with him from now on, and fix the backyard so he can't get out of the fence.

Quincy is still shaking intermittently, and now he's even afraid of the cat that has been his buddy for years.

Now I'm sorry I reached for the rolled up newspaper in my haste to get the attacker off Quincy. I almost grabbed the large garden shears that were just as handy. A lot of thoughts went through my head in that fraction of a second when I reached for the shears.

Is this her dog? Is she shocked by what he is doing?
She's trying to stop him. She kicked him in the head with her bare foot.
Can I whack it with the shears without killing it?
What happens if I kill that dog?
Can I avoid hurting Quincy in the process?
Is it going to attack me like that other dog did? Am I going back to the hospital today, bleeding profusely again?
Who is that man just standing there doing and saying nothing?
Can I keep myself from opening the shears and stabbing that dog to death?
I wish I had a baseball bat. Not even a broom. Somebody stole my broom.
If I yell at that guy with shears in my hand, will I be charged with assault with a deadly weapon?

That dog almost killed my baby. I don't have children, so my dog is my baby. He only weighs 8 pounds and isn't an aggressive breed. He's a lapdog, and always has been. He's missing several teeth, including an upper canine, so biting back wouldn't help him. He was tied up, maybe barking at an intruder in his yard.

I don't think I've done anything wrong here. Neither did my dog. He wasn't trespassing. And he was defenseless, trapped on his leash.

Thanks for ruining Christmas, neighbor. I'd love to hear that when the police got to your door, they would discover outstanding warrants in your name.

Quincy after his trip to the animal hospital, where they took him right in for immediate treatment.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Call Me Wolverine

From now on, when kids can't remember my name, I'm going to tell them to call me Wolverine. Why? Well, it's not for the killer nails I can grow in the warm seasons.

The harder I work on my fitness (more than the recommended amount of cardio, by the way), the heavier I get. I'm not getting visibly smaller, after two years of working at this and adding running into the mix.

I cut my calories; I gain weight. I lift weights at the recommended weight-losing reps and weights; I gain weight. I start running 10 miles a week, my muscles take on water as they strengthen, and I swell with water retention. And, guess what? I gain weight.

People tell me I'm gaining muscle and losing fat, but then snidely accuse me of over overeating when they aren't around. I'm not. I have been under eating, calorically speaking.

Trust me on this -- if even an endocrinologist didn't have the answer to my metabolism problem, you don't automatically know what is going wrong in my body from your armchair.

Yes, I've almost developed an eating disorder trying to control the levels of everything I'm supposed to be eating. Two weeks of eating salads instead of a hot lunch or dinner, and I didn't lose a pound, despite shunning sodium. No sodas, just water. Lots of water, which was supposed to alleviate my constant struggle with pitting edema in my legs.

I am a freak of nature. :). I'm unable to lose weight by normal means, and of course, it's easier to call me a liar than to admit what you've seen on TV doesn't actually work exactly the same for everyone. I'll pass on the trendy "If I can, you can too!" products that won't work for me anyway, especially if you're selling them. I'm going to hire a personal trainer for a couple of months, and if that doesn't help (because I need yet another know-it-all to tell me how I'm doing everything wrong) I will stop trying to lose weight. I may have to give up running completely if I can't get off the too-heavy, injury causing overweightness, you can't run well till you lose weight, vicious cycle.

Actually, maybe it's a viscous cycle, given my sluggish metabolism. One of these days, they'll find my supernaturally-strong heart powering a Terminator, I'm telling you.

Oh, where's Dr. McCoy when you need a medical tricorder to just fix the problem from the cellular level?

Seriously, it's like the scene when Wolverine sits on the motorcycle and it drops dramatically under his weight. Funny, he didn't LOOK that heavy! I suspect that there may be metal or stone bonded to my bones. It would explain why extraordinarily nasty accidents never cause me to break my bones.

Either that, or I just suffer through broken bones I won't accept that I have.

Don't make me mad, though. I can take you. Then all I have to do is sit on you, and you're a goner.

Jokes aside, maybe I should get back into martial arts. I think I could really hurt someone now, if I wanted to.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

First Penguin Run ... Fail! Lol

It was 34 degrees when I got home from work, and darkness was starting to close in. The wind chill was 26 degrees. Brr!

I'm a person who HATES being cold with a frigid blue passion (hey, I heard that...) so I wanted to test out my running gear in freezing temps, just to see if I could take it.

Temperature-wise, I was fine once I got warmed up. Only my fingertips and my butt felt cold. If I'd worn my compression shorts under my all-season UnderArmour running tights, I probably would have had a warm tushie too, but hey, that's used to being cold. Not much fat back there to insulate.

Had the tights, cheap knit gloves, a long sleeved tech shirt, UnderArmour Storm Fleece jacket, ankle socks, and the tights, being overlong on a short woman, kept my legs covered. I wore a Buff as a balaclava, and pulled my hood up too. My breath was fairly warm because of my headcover, but it was a little claustrophobic for me, because the Buff kept encroaching on my eyes. I need to work on the fit, and get used to the feel. But it indeed kept me warm.

Did my five minutes of warmup walking and in my question to get warm, I must have started off WAY too fast. Somewhere in there, my Nike+ app says I ran at the pace of about an 11 minute mile, much faster than usual.

And then my peroneal muscles started screaming at me, from both legs simultaneously. Burning, aching, tight... I guess my legs weren't warm enough after all! I forced myself to hobble the rest of the mile around the track as a cool down, and that mile was all I could do. Too fast, muscles not warmed.... Recipe for disaster, so I bowed out. I'm disappointed, because I actually liked running in the cold, without being cold. :D

Another time, perhaps. Now I know I can handle the temperature, if I maybe slip on my compression sleeves for extra warmth and circulation.

I don't know what else to do on that -- maybe bring sweatpants to take off, or buy some noisy windbreaker pants? Longer warmup time? Legwarmers? Resign myself to winter on the Dreadmill?

Hey, Santa, I'd love some Zensah running gloves. :). Do you think they make them small enough for me? I buy mine in the boys' section usually. ;)

Sunday, December 9, 2012

How'd I hurt my... Chest?

Hurts to use my arm! When I try, I get a pain that starts in my armpit and wraps across my pectoral muscle. It feels like I spent a long time trying to yank open my locked kitchen door. Driving today was a challenge.

Hmm. Maybe there was more to my nightmare last night than I thought. As zonked as I was, I might have been sleepwalking and trying desperately in my terror to get away from something. Because the kitchen door is key-locked inside and out, I couldn't operate the lock. Good thing, too. I wasn't dressed for a middle of the night sleepwalking jaunt outside.

Two lovely little storms just passed through. I was hoping they would lull me back to sleep, but now I'm awake and dizzy, with just the sound of trains going by, most likely headed for New Orleans or Chicago. No clue why I'm dizzy, but the room is doing the slowly tilted vertigo spin for me. Eewww... Not pleasant.

I desperately want to sleep on my right side, but that's the owwie side, and I can't lift my arm because that'll make things worse. It's like the feeling I had after surgery when I had over a hundred stitches across my chest and was unable to get off my back... And I'm a side sleeper. Annoying and hard to rest this way.

The storms are gone, so I'm going to turn on an app for that, and try to prop myself toward the right without extending my arm...oh, I really wanna. Lol but I'm collarbone- challenged as it is...

Hey! The rain is back! :) *yawn*

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Are you HIGH, Clairee?!

50 points to Gryffindor if you recognize my post's title.

Last night I went for a run, after being at the school dance gave me hives, starting on my face. Itchy.... Oh yeah, they were itchy. Then my arms started itching too, and I decided to go before I had flashbacks to my own attendance at that dance as an awkward seventh grader. It wasn't traumatic, but it was a collection of unhappy details, not the least of which was ZERO parental support for attending it.

It would have been lovely if... Someone had been anything other than opposed to my going, had taken me shopping for a dress, (a neighborhood friend loaned me one, thankfully) had gone other than to a thrift store for my sister's dress, had done more than hit a yard sale for ugly non-matching shoes that were far too big for me. If only someone hadn't wanted to humiliate us at that dance. If only. But someone cried a false state of poverty to cover her enmity, and my mother stayed out of the picture too.

I've got to admit that I wonder at those kids attending the dance whose parents rented limousines and checked them out of school early to get their hair and nails done. Wow. :) A limo would seem a bit much to me, but hair and nails done? Nice.... :). I've had a pedicure once. Lol. That's it.

If you ever see the picture from the dance I went to, I'm trying not to cry in it -- that's why I look so strange, but my huge charity-bin glasses covered a lot anyway. They were never my choice either, supposedly because some stepbrothers decades older had rough-housed and broken their glasses back in the 60s. You know, I never broke a pair of mine. Funny, huh?

As I said, if only. If only childhood could be idyllic for all, but it often isn't.

But some had it far worse than me, and I digress.

I did 10 minute warmup walk and then did my 20 minute run at a 14'31" mile average pace, with the rest of 3.5 miles finished walking. I wasn't exactly pushing myself a that speed, but I wanted to see if speeding up just a little bit would make breathing any harder, going the distance any more difficult, or make my legs hurt any worse afterward.

I haven't noticed anything different yet, except that I was faster.

Oh, there was one thing, but it wasn't speed-related, I suspect. When my app announced that I had reached the halfway point, I started calculating how many more songs I'd listen to before I could walk again, and came up with approximately three. My latest mental game has been to tell myself to just finish the song and then I could evaluate how I felt, and whether I still wanted a walk break. My body HAS been telling me to take a sudden walk break pretty often, just so sure it's had enough. I don't even detect a mental battle -- I just suddenly break into a walk, and feel kinda whiney about running further at the same time.

Mental defeat. It's a problem for me, as I've said before.

So at the halfway point, I told myself I could check "how much further" at the end of the third song, because I had stowed my phone in my Spibelt and vowed not to check it until I was desperate. Well, ladles and jelly spoons, desperation never came. The last ten minutes of the run ended sometime just after song three started, and absolutely caught me by surprise. Sweet! :D. I cheered out loud, too. This is what I've been hoping running would feel like, except for the awareness of my shins, although they warmed up halfway through the run and almost went away.

I got rained on, a little bit. Misty rain, just enough to make my clothes and hair damp, but I welcomed it because I was tasting sweat by then. Hey, my upper lip sweats when I use a hair dryer, so that's nothing new. The rain was nice and cool. Loved it! Many thanks for that.

Picked up some supper, and by the time I got home I was feeling great. Positively healthy and glowing, and even a little bit accomplished. I wasn't worn out; and only limping a little bit. I was fighting to stay awake by my normal bedtime and didn't need Melatonin to sleep.

I had a great night's sleep, as long as you ignore the extended nightmare I had about a friend dying. I figure that was just leftover junk floating around in my brain from the past few days, and it congealed into a monster while I slept. But I fixed it. I was so upset that she had died in the dream, that she came back to life. I just wanted her not to be dead that much. It's just a dream... You can change them how you want to, as soon as you realize you are in control.

So anyway, I don't know about a runner's high, exactly. I don't feel high. (Okay, I don't have any experience with getting high, and I don't intend to, either.) What I thought was an endorphin rush back in the summer with the high heat and humidity was likely a warning sign of imminent heatstroke. Hahaha. However, I definitely felt a boost last night that hasn't yet faded away, and I know that I have to feel this way more often. It's probably endorphins. I deserve them. They're mine, ALL MINE, I tell you. It's not like I'm using them for anything else, anyway.


Monday, December 3, 2012

20 Minutes of Pain

Longest amount of time I have EVER run nonstop in my life. But let's face it -- I was upset and angry, punishing myself. I weighed myself before I went to run, and after a solid week of eating very calorie controlled salads... I've gained two pounds.

Honestly, I was fighting tears the whole time I ran. It wasn't the pain I felt in my legs; it was all in my heart.

Please don't give me that garbage about gaining muscle. My body can't use a single extra pound of muscle. It needs to start shedding fat, in mass quantities.

20 minutes nonstop running, bordered by a five minute warmup and a long, painful cooldown. My pace wasn't impressive, but I was determined to keep going until I broke a leg bone or I collapsed. Really. And there I would lie on the track probably until tomorrow morning's PE class found me cold and dead.

I finally realized, once I got out of breath and started really sucking wind, that I could handle it. I was simply out of breath, and while I don't enjoy the feeling, I was still getting enough air to keep going. So I kept running, with the understanding that I would be out of breath the whole time, though I was controlling my breathing in cadence with my stride. Two in and two out seemed to work just fine, without making me panic.

I prayed for a lot of that time. Purely selfish, I was asking for help. I am absolutely powerless to make any positive changes happen in my own body, it turns out. Things that work on normal people do not work on me. When science fails, where else can you turn?

When I finished my 20 minute run, which was approaching my goal of consistent 15 minute miles, I had only gone for 1.76 miles. I was determined to begin increasing my mileage, and I decided that another quarter-mile couldn't make me any more sore than I already am, or will be. I might as well make the pain count for something. That's why my last mile was over 17 minutes. My shins were hurting and I was pushing the last mile.

No pain, no gain, as they say. It's true if you want to improve as a runner. The muscles have to tear to regrow stronger. It takes a full year to strengthen bones and connective tissues... If they don't disintegrate in the process.

I know I can expect another six months of pain. At least. *sigh*

Lord, please don't let it be for nothing. :(

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Running Goals for 2013

I might as well set some goals for next year, for my running. :) I'll probably add to them later, when I accomplish these. They may or may not be in order.

1. Run a 5k without stopping for walk breaks. (I stole that from Eva - thanks, Eva! - but I want that too.)

2. Run the circuit of the park nonstop, including that monster hill by the old country club.

3. Find / create some new running paths locally. Creating may just consist of mapping out and testing, of course.

4. Run every other day without ever-increasing injury to my shins. Meaning, run whenever I darn well want to because my musculoskeletal system has finally adapted to my running. (Shins, are you hearing me? I baby you with all sorts of calcium -- now it's time to show some strength.)

5. Lose 20 pounds. I know I have at least 40 to lose, and 50 would be great, but I have a fail-and-quit mentality. If I lose them slowly -- work them off physically, they will be more likely to stay gone. Besides, if I lose 20 by summer, then I will have a timeline to follow and know I can accomplish the whole amount eventually. I know that increasing distance is the key. :)

6. Run in 2 big 5ks next year. The crowds scare me right now, but if I can go with a friend, it won't be so bad.

7. Get out of "beginner" mode and finally just start enjoying my run each time.

8. Get out and run even when the weather is yucky.

9. Run a mile before work twice a week.

10. Cross-train twice a week. (I'm still so tired all the time.)

11. Get OUT of the freaking obese category to merely overweight. Lol. I know, I don't actually look like what you think obese looks like. You're imagining 500 pounds, but I'm there and not that heavy, just like Schwarzenegger!

12. Increase my mileage to 20 mpw by July 1st.

13. Increase my mileage to 30 mpw by December 31st, 2013.

14. Run / walk a 10k. (Running as much as possible.)

15. Participate in at least 6 5ks next year. Just fun & finish, run for good causes.

16. Run for St. Jude next fall. :) 5k for sure.

17. Participate in all 3 of the races I've already done before: Mission March, CC Turkey Trot, Junior Aux. Turkey Trot. Improve my time from each by a minute.

18. Reduce my mile time to 14 min consistently by the end of February.

19. Reduce my mile time to 13 min consistently by the end of March.

20. Reduce my mile time to 12 min consistently by the end of May. (Because I ran a 12 minute first mile in the Mission March, overweight, anxious, and in pain, under better circumstances, it shouldn't be a problem to do without injury.)

21. 2014 - 10k / half marathon year. I may only attempt one half. I may just train for it. I may just attend one and cheer with two broken legs!

22. 2015 - tackle the marathon. Maybe by then our local marathon trail will be complete. Uh, started. Hm, maybe just considered.

23. Help someone else get out and get moving, even if it is just for beginner's walks. :)

24. Finish Couch to 5k and start 10 k training. AARGH! I just don't think it is right for me to progress when I'm not able to do all the nonstop runs yet. Lol. Or is that ok? FINISHED C25K 1/4/13.
Of course, if I keep getting injured, all of these goals will have to be changed or moved to my bucket list. *rolling eyes*

Friday, November 30, 2012

Wearing GLOVES? Today?

I ran at the park today after work. It was one of those "Just do it before you think about it and chicken out" runs. I'm glad I did, because the weather was perfect.

I couldn't get anybody to walk wi me, as usual, so I ran to get it over with faster.

There were a few people out, mostly women, walking with near-purpose. Okay, they were merely strolling. I passed them with all the speed of a heavily pregnant yak.

They were wearing gloves. And coats. I mean, it was 63 degrees and not even windy. Yes, I believe one of them was actually wearing earmuffs.


I'm a person who fears catching a chill. I went in my running tights and a short sleeved tee shirt and was very comfortable before I even left my warmup walk behind. Lovely autumn afternoon after a week of temps in the 30s. Because this how December starts where I live -- ridiculously warm temps in the 60s or 70s after weeks of freezing temps.

Nah, I don't get it either, even though I am the noobiest of beginners to running. (How long will I be a beginner? Until I can tackle a 5k without a walk break? Until I can do my runs every other day without pain? Soreness I understand. Pain I do not.)

I knew I would heat up once I started running, but just how much surprised me. Actually, my newfound ability to sweat appropriately has been a useful surprise. I didn't really sweat before, and I stayed hot. Now I sweat and cool down, and find that my hair is entirely sweat-soaked at the end. Well, usually matted, too, but a ride with the windows down and the wind blowing thru my air just feels perfectly satisfying. I'll leave the matting problem to the chick that washes my hair before 7 each morning. She's usually too sleepy to notice the mess.

So... I sweat, stretch, foam roll if I'm sore, and then get so cold I take a nap for a couple of hours when I get home. :D.

I did notice a tiny change in my thighs today when I looked down during a stretch... A tiny bit of definition. Woohoo...! It's going to take a long time, but it is possible.

Apologies to anyone bothered by my grumpiness this week... That was how I hid being dangerously depressed. I was in a lot of pain, but nobody gets that so they call me a bitch and shun me. That's all I'm going to say about it, but after taking a sick day with a sore throat, the black dog finally let go of my throat. And the real reason for the blackness made itself known. Female hormones. And they intensify the stranglehold the older I get. I used to think PMS was bad. I know something worse. Perhaps this explains my mother's behavior. Hmm.

Love This Runner's Shirt!

Basically, it's a little snark for those running behind him in a half marathon to enjoy (or get really pissed off about) and use for motivation. I like his attitude!

He says that he is:

Ahead of you.


I SO need to create my own motivator shirt.. Or maybe a joke that will have people behind me laughing so hard they won't be *able* to pass me... Thus, my racing strategy is born. It would be lovely if I could get technical shirts printed, huh? :)  Maybe I'll worry about that sometime after I've lost some weight, as a reward.  I think it's a bit early to get cocky about running.  Cocky about what?  Exactly. LOL  I'm glad you're coming along with me on this.

I do already have my "Whatever!" Logo shirts on Cafe Press. That is, if they didn't eat my graphic file while my sales have been going nowhere. Lol

Right now I have to find some winter running socks, or my toes will be frostbitten in a few days when the temperature drops again. They were numb Thanksgiving morning for half of the Turkey Trot.  And the soles of my feet went numb right along with my toes.  Fortunately, no numbness today.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Running in the Buff

Soon I'll be running in the Buff. Well, a buff. Wanna see?

No, not what you think. That would be.... Well, horrible.

Why? Because I have an absolute fear of sucking in that cold dry air outside and getting bronchitis. I'm planning to wear it as a balaclava, and with any luck, maybe as a headband when I'm traveling with no curling iron or hair dryer.

So if you see me somewhere looking like a ninja with a sari wrapped around her face, don't worry, I won't mug you. But you could offer me a nice mug of chai, if you wanted to. :) Herbal tranquilizer, as it happens.

Considering that I've been spending time in Azkaban lately, I need something to save me from the Dementors' evil. I need my perception of the world to change drastically. But all I have seen for a long time is how evil, spiteful, and selfish people are. No amount of chocolate will fix things after a brush with them. It's why I don't want to be thought of as the servant who is obligated to do menial jobs for them. I know a lot of people look down on me as some kind of lower class person from them, so I have to help them see their error.

Sorry about that little side trip to the dark side. I'm just tired of people sneering at me.

If you want to see something cool, look at the Buff wearing videos on YouTube. I was impressed. I wanna wear mine like a pirate sometime. Arr!

Bought some cheap "magic" gloves to run in. I doubt they'll really satisfy me, but I always keep them in my coat pockets, and I've been known to give them away when someone needed them. My last spare set, therefore, is gone. Someday I would love to knit some mittens and gloves to give away, but right now I'm occupied by Christmas gifts to make. I can't stand for my hands to be cold, and I hate seeing others with cold hands.

So now that I've spent more money on running, I'm going to have to get my butt back out there. I think my strained arch (all the fluid was likely a reaction to protect the strained muscles) is better. It didn't hurt too badly to walk today, though it still hurts a bit.

It looks like I'm going to hurt everything once or twice before running stops killing me.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Water, water, all day long.

Today I worked really hard to get my 100 ounces of required water in. I burned lots of calories just going back and forth to the bathroom!

MiO today, Crystal Light Margarita tomorrow. I believe someone threw away my drink jug at work. No matter, I've got another recycled one just like that. Lol. I've found that mixed with two quarts of water as directed, the margarita drink tastes a little heavy, so I dilute it 50% with water. I'm going for flavored water anyway, like I do with my fruit juice nowadays. Straight juice just makes me thirstier.

I didn't run today like I had planned to. After work it was dark and about 32 degrees, and I took a three hour nap because I was feeling so tired and depressed.

Another mason jar salad for dinner -- I really like them so far! Next time I think I will double the celery as well, because celery is a diuretic and only has 4 calories per quarter cup anyway. I'm pretty sure I came in under 1400 calories today on food. If not, I was close.

For morning, I prepped my oatmeal tonight, with some white chocolate sugar free coffee syrup for sweetener. :). Found that on a bodybuilding forum. I think it's the only flavor the guy actually loves. Maybe I'll throw in some peanut butter too. I HOPE it will keep me from being so ravenous at lunchtime.

I'm finding it difficult to allot calories for protein with only 1400 to work with. I may have to get going on some more protein smoothies, but those aren't exactly low-cal either.

Looks like I'm going to have to kick my running into high gear... I need to get up at five and do it... But it's so cold out and I'm always too tired, plus it exhausts me for hours and I don't live In a safe neighborhood. I'd rather work out in the evening, but when the day gets me down, all I can do is go to sleep when I get home. I wonder, if I moved to England, could I become a morning person due to the difference in time zones?


By the way, with all those trips to the bathroom today, my urine never became clear. Hmmmm....

Signing off and heading to dreamland. Hopefully tonight I won't be plagued by nightmares all night like I was last night. Hard to really rest when your brain is screaming in frustration and fear all night. But at least I've always known why I have nightmares. Unfortunately, knowing isn't the same as curing. Sometimes you have to hold on tight for the whole crazy ride. Dreamscape had it right except for one thing: being violently killed in your dreams will NOT necessarily kill you in reality. Can't tell you how many times I've been hacked to death or strangled and had to be a sentient corpse in my own dream until the alarm pulled me out.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Don't Give Up

This is more of a reminder to me than for anyone else. Tonight I feel like giving up on a whole lot of things. Okay, everything. I can't exactly say why, but it all seems so hopeless to me. True - sometimes there aren't enough rocks. But sometimes there aren't enough hugs either, especially not when you really need them. That's where I am, and have been for a long time.

Being alone is even harder than it looks.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Mason Jar Salads

Okay, I thought I would give this a try because I have GOT to stop eating the food from the school cafeteria. Today my legs swelled up tighter than a tick (THAT HURT) after eating it, and lately, all I can taste in it is salt.

I need fresh veggies anyway, and I do love a good salad. If I do it right, I can cut my calories for the day and not feel like I'm starving. I hope it works...

Here's what I put together this time, from bottom to top:
Two tablespoons light Asian sesame dressing
1/4 cup carrots
1/4 cup celery
Bean sprouts *
Mushrooms *
Roma tomatoes (firmer, less juice)
Red onion
Mandarin oranges
Baby spinach (1 bag for five salads - didn't seem like enough but there wasn't much to choose from at the store)
2 hard boiled eggs

* Both the sprouts and the mushrooms had sodium I hadn't thought about because they were canned, so I rinsed them well to try to get rid of some.

After I shook up the jar, I realized I needed to dump it out in a bowl. Lol. It tasted a bit unseasoned so I covered my salad in Mrs. Dash, and that perked things up quite a bit. I'm not sure how long that will keep my hunger at bay, and there isn't enough protein in there, but I was so tired after shopping last night that I didn't want to cook up any chicken. I forgot to buy it, anyway.

I didn't have any cheese but I thought that might add to the sodium anyway. (Maybe some Laughing Cow cheese would be nice on the side. )Same with bacon bits. :(. All processed meats and cheeses... Eh, too much sodium. Every glass of water I drink goes straight to my lower legs. I've got my grandmother's problem with edema, and I'm really not old enough for that.

I'd like to have a little veggie variety, but I suppose I'll have to stick to frozen stuff to avoid the sodium in the cans. Corn, English peas... Mmm.

Next time I need to double the amount of oranges, and use fresh mushrooms instead of canned. Bean sprouts too, but there's not much to choose from locally in that respect. Maybe adding some tuna would be tasty.

So... Lower sodium, lower calories, higher potassium, higher protein. Aargh! Looks like I'm a gonna have to start liking beans and invest in a lot of air fresheners. Lol

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Mingling Painfully...

I wish I could apologize to all the people who encounter me in social situations and think I'm aloof. I... Just have a hard time relaxing, even around family. Being social is just one of those things I'm inexperienced at doing. I remember the play I was in as an undergrad -- I auditioned for others but never actually got any part but that one non-speaking part, and that only because I could juggle blind.

Ah well, it was high time I accepted that I was talentless anyway.

The point is, that one play had a party scene in which we were told to "mingle" onstage the same way we did at real parties. Oh, I was scared to death! I haven't been to many parties and I mostly hugged the wall anyway.

I suppose that's why it's called acting. I even pretended that I didn't have a shy person's problem with it. Unfortunately, that "fake it till you make it" ploy has never actually worked on my behalf. :D. I'm still just faking my lack of discomfort among other people.

Friday night I attended a friend's birthday party, and the host kept asking me if I thought they were all drunken retards. Of course I didn't think that. :) Close to drunk, yes, but hey, it was a birthday party, it was for adults, and they were at their own house. I didn't think anything of it.

All I could think of to say, is that I'm just a really uptight person. Lol. It's true. I am. I'm still pretty shy, and being outgoing is hard for me. I tend to stick to the people I know.

Call it a fear leftover from childhood, if you want.

I got to finally meet someone after a year, and for all I know, I made a bad first impression. (Which would probably make it my only chance to make an impression. Lol Oh well, story of my life, naturally.)

Sometimes I tend to be quiet, but I often want to sink into the wallpaper until someone wants to talk to me. I don't mind talking, but sometimes, I'm too nervous to strike up a conversation on my own. Too many times I've gotten talked over and ignored anyway, and there's no point in finishing my sentence when nobody's listening, am I right?

I just hope I didn't offend anybody with my quietness. It's really difficult for me to fit in anywhere. I just don't belong. I've never been anywhere that I didn't feel horribly out of place.

And on that note, I'm going to sleep a few hours early tonight. My run today, though it sucked royally, has made me dog-tired.

The Tennis Ball is Not Enough

Cue the Bond theme music.

After giving my right arch some merciless rolling on a small, hard metal air freshener can yesterday and last night, the pain on walking is receding. Yay!

This tells me that my tennis ball is not hard enough to provide adequate pressure for whatever little arch problem has plagued me for the last four days. I don't think it was plantar fasciitis, because I could feel a pocket of fluid squishing around in there when I released the pressure.

I have to laugh about recommendations I've seen for using a ping pong ball... Really? If I can press a tennis ball nearly flat, wouldn't I just crush a ping pong ball? Nahh.... I think I need a golf ball instead. Lol

Perhaps that won't arouse Quincy's obsessive possessiveness like the mere scent of fresh tennis balls would. He's a simple dog, as long as you understand one thing: all tennis balls shall be his, even the one you hide in your suitcase for portable spinal spasm relief.

I used to wake up nearly screaming when that happened, and would lie down with a marble apple paperweight pressed into the trouble spot, falling back to sleep a while after I had forced that muscle spasm back into flatness. Yeah, it was like sleeping with a rock under my back, but it really helped. These days I use a percussion massager to beat my back numb. Yes, numb. Numb is better than pain. :)

Though I have to say that physical therapy is better than drugs. That's a misunderstanding that doctors have always had about me. Maybe it's due to the local pill head mentality. They go in, complain of owwies, then hold their hand out eagerly anticipating that prescription. I go in after I've been sick or in pain for a very long time already, my doctor claims to run tests, then claims all test results are clear of everything. Then he hints that I'm a hypochondriac who wants drugs.

No, that is NOT me. Tell me what I can do physically to fix the problem, even if it hurts. My neurologist offered me pain pills that would make me gain weight, or I could just be in pain. I opted to keep hurting. I wonder why there is nothing physically that can be done for my trapped femoral nerve.

I suspect a lot of these older doctors are not continuing their educations , but won't retire because it is just so easy to keep raking in the fees on office visits they don't really work at. It might explain why I'm lying here with my legs elevated (like my grandmother), trying to physically drain the ever-present edema from my lower legs, though I know I could go get some diuretic pills if I went shopping...

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Outside arch pain

I almost think that I should retitle my blog "So What's Hurting Today?" if I'm going to keep blogging about my newbie running experiences.  What I'm finding out is that pain from strange places is the bane of the beginner runner's existence.  As for me, I believe I'm going to injure every part of my body at least once before my body allows me to settle comfortably into a routine of running.

I'm going to be physically punished every single day for at least a full year, even if I do things right.  Even though I've been properly fitted for running shoes, so please don't lecture me about how I should do that, when I just did it two months ago. :) My shoes are great, for the first time, although my toes get cold due to that mesh toe box topper.

Please don't make me go teacher on you and tell you to go back and read for details you missed. LOL ;)

So here's the post-mortem for the Turkey Trot (listed as a 5k, but it was actually 5.6k) I did on Thursday.  Many things made me unhappy.

I was able to walk it with a friend.  I can't tell you what a welcome relief it was to NOT be absolutely lonely for that distance.

Understand that we told them we were walking the entire course, and we informed the organizers of that before we started, so I was pretty unhappy as we were coming up the last half mile stretch and heard.... they were already going through the winners and handing out awards.  I believe they only recognized 1st place male and female, and didn't bother with either age groups or with giving anybody an official time. (Our time was right at 57 minutes.)  Yes, we could hear them laughing about the fact that people were still coming in and deciding maybe they should stop until we all came in. (Over the loudspeaker they were using - we heard it all.)

There were no water stops along the distance.  Just a single bottle of water available at the finish.  I know that it was their first time running a race and that it was a fundraiser, but the organizers have been in races themselves.  It made me feel like it was literally all about the money, and to hell with the slow people.  And yes, of course, the safety truck passed me again. I didn't care about running.  I was just helping them with their fundraiser and enjoying having a friend to walk with.

About halfway through, my right big toe decided to reassert that I DID break its metatarsal three weeks ago, and set to aching.  Then all of my toes started going numb on the bottom, presumably from the impact of my toes hitting the ground with each step.  (Both feet, BTW) They'd been cold earlier, because it was 45 degrees and as I said, they are mesh-topped, but this was different.  This is the numbness that overtakes the toes and the soles of my feet even on the elliptical trainer at the gym.

No, my shoes were not laced too tight.  It doesn't matter how tight or loose my shoes are, because my toes / feet still go numb.  Maybe it's my weight.  Maybe it's a diabetic complication.  Maybe it happens to everybody else and they just aren't saying so.

I did my best to keep planting my right foot properly as I walked, not wanting a compensation injury for walking funny. LOL  Still, walking to the finish line I realized that the outside bottom of the arch on my right foot was aching.  That got progressively worse as the day went on, until I was tearing up from the pain of simply walking.  I've tried massaging with my hands and with a tennis ball, changed shoes three times, and nothing is helping.  When I take my weight off my foot, it feels like a balloon has squeezed a bunch of liquid into that part of my foot.  I have no idea how I could have hurt myself just by freaking WALKING.  Just sitting here barefoot with my foot flat on the floor hurts, to be honest.

The only description I've seen that even comes close is bursitis, except that there are no bursa at all in the place where I'm hurting.  Oh, I also wound up with a blister on the inside of my heel, same foot, wearing special running socks that never caused me a problem before.

With all the painful discouragement I'm getting from running, the elliptical trainer, and just from walking, I'm beginning to believe that I'm supposed to just die this way, without ever being able to move around again.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Renaming Migraines "Voldemort"

Holy cow... All the stuff I have to do this week:

Massage (ok, looking forward to that, actually)
My sister's birthday
Harvest & shell pecans for pies
Thanksgiving shopping and cooking
Turkey Trot race on Thanksgiving morning
My brother's birthday
My friend's birthday
Turkey Trot race Saturday morning, if fear doesn't kill me first.

And I'm expected by the retailers of the world to go shopping on Friday?

Dang. I don't think so. I got a headache yesterday, after laughing with a colleague that because I had said the word "migraine" that I would now get one.

It's true, it always happens. The word migraine is a migraine trigger for me.

24 hours, four Tylenol, and two cups of coffee later, and it is only getting WORSE.

I may have to go and buy myself a Pepsi. It might not kill the migraine, but it would please me, anyway. Sometimes a Pepsi has actually alleviated a migraine for me. Maybe it's the sugar with the caffeine that does the trick. (Ha ha ha, so now you know I don't keep soda in the house. I keep skim milk, MiO, and juice that I water down halfway in my glass, because of the calories.)

I must not say the word. It's like saying Voldemort's name - everyone was afraid to say his name because it might summon him if they did, so they said "He Who Must Not Be Named" and "You Know Who".

So... I hereby rename my migraines to Voldemort. I fear them so much more than He Who Must Not Be Named, anyway.

So if I say that I'm glad I haven't had a Voldemort in a while, you'll know what I'm talking about, won't you? I don't mean I haven't fooled around with the Dark Lord for some time (yuck). I just don't want to invoke a You Know What.

Treadmill & Trepidation

I keep having to deal with shin splints. Whether the post-run soreness grows from the backs of my calves, or the insides of my shins, it always goes on to develop into aching shin bones. So far, this round of C25K has progressed into week six almost successfully, before the soreness and pain became (for me) debilitating. I've been doing all sorts of stretching and strengthening exercises and not getting better running results. It doesn't lessen the days of DOMS either, and I know that's muscle repair time.

I know myself ; if I have to stop working on this for a while, I'll quit altogether. Daily (or alternating days) progress is what keeps me trying. But then the pain knocks me down again.

I get very depressed when I can't keep going with my running. I've had to drop down to one day a week of trying to run, because of recovery time. Yah, I know I'm heavy for high-volume running, but I haven't consistently been able to run 5k anyway, and I haven't pushed myself to try except for that last race I was in.

I came in last, for several reasons. 1. I wasn't at their level of fitness, and most were simply faster than me. (I didn't see any overweight runners participating, to be honest) 2. I started out way too fast, just to keep up with the crowd. Wore myself out early. 3. The truck passed me before I got halfway and stayed ahead of me the rest of the race -- the truck that brings up the rear. Total mental defeat for me. 4. I was wishing anybody in my family had come to cheer me on, and I knew they wouldn't. The race was a two minute drive from everyone in my family, but ...

So, outclassed, overexerted, and defeated, I came in last but managed my best 1 k, 1 mile, and 5 k finish times despite all that. I finished my best yet, just worse than everyone else. Less than 200 participants, I believe.

I'm still fighting that defeated feeling, and it was a month ago.

I'm running to lose weight, because I've tried lots of approaches (with doctor guidance) and only strenuous cardio kicks my metabolism into fat burning mode. When I started C25k, I managed to drop a couple of pounds a week. Then shin splints hit and I had trouble walking. *sigh*. I took a month off to heal and started over. Got to week six eight weeks later and here I go again.

Elliptical... YES, I got back on the elliptical, and the next day I had... Wait for it... Shin splints. Oh, and numb feet. Lol. Both of my shoes were laced loosely.

My running on this attempt had been on a rubber track outside for the cushion factor. Maybe that why I got all the way to six weeks before I had to stop. I was enjoying the great outdoors, even in the cold and wind.

So... Should I even attempt to do my extremely slow running on the treadmill, for short total distances, and see if my shin splints are still a huge problem doing that? And then slowly add tiny bits of distance

I feel as if I'm heading for a wheelchair, instead of weight loss. Could it be that the time-based C25k program I'm using isn't right for me? I did get up to running ten minutes with a three minute walk break but by then my shins are starting t o really hurt. True, the calf muscles feel the impact and have the predictable response of tightening right after I run until i stretch them out, but nothing that feels wrong. Just that I challenged them and they met the challenge.

I love running when it goes well, and I'd like to keep it up at least every other day (for the rest of my life) but I feel like I've tripped over my own feet right out of the starting gate, since May when I really put my effort into my pathetic beginner's training. And I'll admit that I've been dreaming of being able to run a marathon... In a few years, of course.

Right now I'd just like to master a 5k.

I have diet/exercise controlled type 2 Diabetes, which never really gives me a problem than the occasional hypoglycemia bout, and great medical test results on everything, including my heart and lungs. Goes without saying I've never been a smoker, but I know there are a few smoker runners out there. I'm just not one. It makes me a bit jealous when I see people with more than 40 pounds to lose doing so much better than me on their running. *sigh*

I'm signed up for a 3.5 mile Turkey Trot Thanksgiving morning, which I'm going to absolutely WALK, though that hurts while I'm doing it (outsides of calves).

I do not know if I should also sign up for year two of the Turkey Trot I did last year - my first 5 k ever. It's on Saturday. Hey, I could start a streak... Or I could come in last again and increase my mental defeat.

For those who swear I will be able to run a marathon in March? Are you freaking kidding me? You will be carrying me across the finish line... I can't lie and say "I'm not fat, I'm big-boned." I might pass as "medium-boned" but I am certainly overweight and my little leg bones are stressed. I already know I won't make it 26.2 miles under my own steam. Not yet. Maybe in a few years, after three miles stops threatening to rip the muscles away from my shinbones, eh?

I think I'll stick with a less extreme progression: 5k, 10k, half-marathon, marathon, attempt to skip the crutches and physical therapy. How's that?

Saturday, November 17, 2012

The Boo Berry Incident

I've just made a banana-berry high protein smoothie for myself, and I'm going to force myself to drink it throughout the day. Why? Well, I need the calcium. I also need the protein to repair whatever is wrong with my muscles. (60 grams in this mixture.) Nearly a week after running, my leg is still aching down in the bone, or near the surface, or whatever. I don't know. I'll have to see a doctor to find out. So I'm researching that currently.

Berry mix for antioxidants and banana for potassium. Something has to help.

My collarbone hurts... Well, my entire shoulder hurts along with it, front and back, and I've done nothing more than sleep on it. It happens every year at this time and I think it is just a result of having broken it when I was two, and the fact that aging causes pain wherever there has been an injury before. My foot still hurts. I'm very sure I broke that toe, but it should be about half healed by now, so there's nothing to be done for it anyway. meh. There was nothing to be done for it in the first place, I already knew.

I'm not enjoying this smoothie... It's too sugary tasting, even with the unsweetened frozen fruit.

Then, of course, there are the blueberries.

Oh good Lord, I have an issue with blueberries! They kinda freak me out. I thought I could hide the taste with the other fruit, but they are all I can taste. (And that bag of frozen fruit was too expensive to just throw out, mmmkay?). Raspberries, an entire banana, and EXTRA strawberries. Guess which flavor overpowers the rest. Uh huh.

Dilemma: add fruit juice or ice to dilute the drink, and have much more drink to suffer thru the blueberry taste, OR leave it thick and have less to get down.

I tasted the blueberries the first time and immediately wondered about the feasibility of a vegetable smoothie. Tomatoes, spinach, cucumbers... Actually, I think that would be gazpacho. Not an altogether unwelcome thought en este momento.

Ah, did I mention that I used mi Español flying to Italy? We were on Iberia Air, and I hated it. Rude flight attendants who talked far too fast for me to effectively translate and an old overheated plane. I don't think I hate Delta anymore. They were good to me on the way back home this time. However, having taken Spanish in school helped tremendously with Italian. 😁

So what's my issue with blueberries? When I was in kindergarten, my dad dropped us off at the home of a classmate each morning. He had to be at work by 7 am, school didn't start until 8, and Scottie and Kim's house was just a few houses away from our school. Their mom walked us over close to bell time. I remember I had finally convinced Daddy to buy us some Boo Berry cereal for breakfast. It took a lot of begging. I really think that I wanted to eat the cereal because it was blue. I remember that my sister wanted Franken Berry instead. How did I win that argument? No idea! I don't think I ever won again.

I don't blame General Mills. I don't blame blueberries. I don't blame Boo Berry, though I shudder when I see it. I think it was just a stomach virus. Dad said he would never buy that damn cereal again. Haha. (I didn't want to see it again, after that morning. He may have been angry about my wasting an entire box of cereal.)

I had a fever that morning. I remember being in the bathroom at the Lewis' house and vomiting all over myself. I'll just sum things up by saying you don't even want to think about what regurgitated Boo Berry looks like. It scarred me for life. I'm especially sorry about the mess I made of Mrs. Lewis' bathroom. I don't know if I was taken on to school at that point. That may have been the same morning I barfed in my kindergarten class. I don't know if I trashed the carpet, but I remember Mrs. Davenport trying to rush me over to the sink to throw up in there. At that time, I remember clearly thinking it was wrong to tell me to get sick in the sink, because you're supposed to do that over the toilet. Obviously, I didn't get it. Lol

But blueberries make me relive that morning, and I have a "thing" about eating them. So this smoothie? I must be a glutton for punishment. Choking them on down the hatch....

(Screen shot from the General Mills website)

Friday, November 16, 2012

I May Already Be Dead

I may already be dead,
and it wouldn't even matter.

I've been getting a "Sixth Sense" feeling lately with everything that has gone wrong. Some of the simplest things just do not work. It feels like there is a room I need to go into, but the doorknob won't turn for me.

You ever get that feeling? Like you aren't interacting physically with the world that is around you? It would explain a lot...

Door handles that break, a beloved pet who is suddenly having one health problem after another, nothing I do having proper effect on my own body, equipment and appliances falling apart without warning, muscular problems that simply will not heal, hair that has apparently decided not to bother turning silver completely but to start turning white now instead, online postings that vanish moments later, dehydration I can't make a dent in, though my constant edema tells a different tale...

Nothing works. If it does, I manage to break it with the slightest touch.

It wouldn't surprise me if I died in a horrific car crash tomorrow, but my inability to actually be present in the world makes me suspect I'm not really here anyway. Maybe it's Purgatory of some sort and I really am invisible, lacking a changeable corporeal form any longer. It would explain a lot of things about my body. I wonder if I could even make a lasting mark on it if I tried.

I've been clearing out my Facebook friends list lately anyway, deleting people who never condescend to speak to me in person though they see me daily, along with people who only have Facebook to flood my page with copious pictures of their kids and grand kids that they constantly brag on. Sorry, but it's like rubbing salt in the wound.

It feels like I'm just counting out the rest of my days, and it doesn't seem worthwhile to keep them going. Get busy living, or.... You know the rest.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Workout Journal 11/13/12

35 minutes elliptical (350 calories)
Short break for water
25 minutes elliptical (250 calories)
~600 calories

My left ankle/shin muscle hurt when I was finished and both feet went numb during both workout segments. Walking after was ridiculously slow because I surpassed my energy limit. Drank correct amount of water... Gained 7 pounds in a week according to gym scale. (But my clothes are still loose.) I hope that thing needs calibration. My thighs suddenly didn't look smooth and firm... They looked like they were swollen with cottage cheese. I'm pretty angry about that. Wore my running tights to the gym because I was embarrassed by my legs and it was freezing out. Sweated so much my hair was drenched when I left and my hair was completely matted together as a result. Had a sudden craving for cucumbers and hummus. Made a berry protein smoothie instead. I still want to eat raw crunchy vegetables, which is bizarre for me. So tired when I went home I went to bed two hours earlier than usual. Dog woke me at 4 am. Still exhausted at 6:30 am and really wanted to call in sick. Didn't work out tonight (Wednesday). I figure that I might need to work up to a full hour of heavy cardio every single day. The elliptical was more doable and less painful than running, but I still want to be able to run at least every other day, for long distances... Someday... But I'm just too heavy. I hate looking in the mirror. * a full 10-12 pounds of this weight lives in my bra if I'm NOT retaining fluid. Then... It's worse. It's enough to make me go back to my plastic surgeon and tell him to take me down to an A cup this time. YOU try being active with freakishly large breasts.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Welcome to Your Hamster Wheel

I ran two days ago, and yesterday, walking was near-torture. This time the pain wasn't shin splints -- normally I have pretty nasty deep, stabbing aches along the fronts of my tibia. No, this time I'm feeling stressed muscles in my calves and on the insides if my legs at the bottoms of my calves presumably where the muscle attached to the bones.

I haven't ruled out the possibility of stress fractures, and I promise I will go for x rays if the pain becomes more than a nagging ache. That is, if it starts waking me up from a deep sleep thinking someone has just stabbed my shinbone with a serrated knife, I'll crawl for help.

I'm trying to gather intelligence from people who have been in my situation before, with this kind of pain, fitness level, and stubborn desire to run without complications. Dreading to hear, as I've read, that it will take a solid year for my musculoskeletal system to strengthen enough for me to run enough to lose weight by running. :)

I still contend that I'm trapped in a major catch 22. I have learned (by trial) that the only physical considerations that make ME lose weight are long and strenuous bouts of cardio exercise. That's right, I have to breathe hard and sweat like crazy for at least forty minutes a day in order to see any results. Cutting calories doesn't work because I'm already consuming fewer calories than it takes to maintain my weight without triggering hypoglycemia.

Only intense sweating and exertion will do any good.

Have I mentioned how much I hate sweating? It makes even my face sting and burn. Maybe I'm just perpetually dehydrated and my sweat is extra salty, but it's unpleasant. But that's just a minor whine.

I can't run long enough or often enough now to see any results, because the pain shows up too quickly and lasts too long. I manage a little over two miles and then I'm unable to do anything unless I take two or three rest days before my next shot. Even if I burn 300 calories, I can only manage it twice in one week without injury last weeks. 600 or even 900 calories (being extremely generous with a good week there! LOL) in one week... Will take approximately four weeks to work off ONE pound.

A pound a month is not worth the effort when you have forty to lose.

I can't wait four years.

So I suppose I need to figure out some cardio program for myself that will consume at least 3500 calories a week without compromising progress on my running training.

You'll just have to forgive my being tired and cranky all of the time for the next year, if my prospective efforts pay off with no setbacks in the meantime.

600 calories worked off a day for six days a week ... How do I do that without eating more to keep me going?

There's the dilemma.

I feel like a hamster on a wheel.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Corduroy Shorts. Hahaha!

I ran last night, after having walked a mile outside at work. The walk tired me as much as any run of the same length would have -- see why I'd rather run? It ends faster and burns more calories, plus, it reshapes my legs. Walking won't do that like running will.

Ah, there's the vanity concern. ;). Yes, I like seeing muscular definition in my legs. I like seeing muscular definition in men's legs too, but I don't know any that are interested in getting their legs to that point or giving me a show. Well, there's always TV for my eye candy, I suppose.

So last night I ran at the park. I'd already logged that walking mile, and added to my running time (well, sorta) it got me over my 3.25 mile goal. Yay.

I just had one tiny problem...

I couldn't run the full ten minutes.
I was disappointed.

Normally I'm on a flat rubber track. The park path is almost never flat and there are hills. Ok, first challenge. I ran as long as I could, then I'd walk and run again. It was progress, just not bragging rights. (As if my 5k training IS something to brag about.)

I had lunch at 10:30 in the morning. That's my lunchtime. Good luck finding a full balanced meal's worth of food in the cafeteria at that time. Lunch isn't being served for the rest of the school yet, so expecting it to be waiting for me is foolish. (I've got to start bringing my lunch... I can't justify paying that price for what is available to me.) At the time I ran, I hadn't had any food for six hours.

I'm diabetic... Hypoglycemia is always on my mind, and sometimes the demon that possesses my entire being. If I seem like a frightened psychotic chick, offer me a snack. Seriously. Rabbity = hypoglycemic. Bonus points if you figure it out because I'm stuttering. Lol. I've had good results for the whole time I've been running and exercising, but it does sometimes sneak up on me.

Challenge 2: no fuel. I wasn't thinking and didn't take any Gu with me either. Or water. And I almost went without my running bra. Honestly, I don't know where my head was when I left the house. Maybe I was already heading into a mild hypoglycemic state from lack of food. It's funny how that can happen without a single hunger pang.

Challenge 3: Halfway into my run, I started feeling pain in my glute, where I hurt it several weeks ago. (Its just too tight and crampy feeling.). Right between the top of my thigh and my bottom, where something is attached to my pelvis. I can't target the darn place with a foam roller, but I can with a tennis ball if I can sit on a hard floor.

I tried to keep running, but I noticed I was adjusting my gait to favor the muscle, and I've learned that when you do THAT, it strains something else that has to overcompensate for your stupid, crybaby self-adjustment. Such as? The hip flexor on the front. Yeah. I've made that connection.

Getting old sucks. Fighting the breakdown sucks worse. Fighting the aging breakdown as you try to get back into shape? Incomprehensible suckage, like the Titanic's sinking whirlpool.

I tried not to limp as I finished my mileage, I really did. But a lot of things were weighing on my mind, such as the woman who was behind me the whole time and never seemed to lose any ground despite the fact I was running and I never saw her do more than walk.

A student called out to me as I ran by, which made me realize I wasn't invisible, and that embarrassed me. It started getting dark and I wasn't sure how well lit the path would be, though the lights did make the autumn colored maple leaves look like the trees were dressed for a party. Plus, I was hungry.

I finished, and went right to our busy little Wal-Mart on Friday night at prime time. In my shiny black tights, sweating with a pink glowing face. Wow, did I look healthy. Lol. Supper, expensive food for my dog, and collapse at home.

I had interestingly epic colorful dreams. Yellow was abundant.

So today my hips are sore (the rest of me is suspiciously NOT excruciatingly sore) and I decided to put on my compression gear. Zensah shin sleeves and high compression shorts, recommended online for injured hip flexors and quad strains. I have a semi-permanently numb quad, maybe that will help?

Customer support at Zensah assured me that their L /XL will fit me, though because I wear a size 14 in pants (oh, the horror of a woman who could squeeze into a 12 but doesn't, for propriety's sake!), I'm "at the top limit of their size range". Hmm. I guess this means if you are any bigger than me, you can't buy recovery gear. (Hey, I DO wear a small in their shin sleeves though!)

You know that sound you get when you wear corduroy pants and take a few steps? That distinctive rrrriiiiiippppping sound? It's what I hear with every step in these shorts. Lol Riprip. Riprip. Ha ha ha.

If I run in them, will that start a fire? :). At least I've found the answer to my bunching shorts problem!

Alas, my tummy being a bit pudgy, the shorts aren't really supporting the front of my hip. :(. On the other hand, as with the shin sleeves, I really can feel a massaging sensation under the fabric, as the compression stimulates circulation and fluid removal.

I think they give a lovely Spanx effect to my shaping, in any case, except for the thigh band. Getting them on is an adventure, bringing to mind unpleasant flashbacks to childhood turtlenecks that induced claustrophobia.

Just... If you see me in these or my tights, and my shirt isn't hanging low enough to hide the details, don't look. :). We'll both be scarred for life.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

How to Fail the Chocolate Test :)

I once asked a fellow to bring me a box of chocolates as a gift. Of course, it was a rather simple test of his esteem for me. He, who claimed to care so much about me (I knew better, of course) and to know me so well, failed the test.

It was really little more than an effort grade -- if he really put a serious effort into it, he'd get the points he needed to avoid being removed from my life. Kicked out of class permanently, as it were.

But he's a user. It was always about him and what he wanted, at his convenience. I wanted to see if the con he was trying to run on me about having changed and really caring about me was for real, though I suspected it was just a con game.

Call me cynical, but I used to be a believer -- that starry-eyed variety of optimist that believed all the usual fairy tales. You know the main ones: "If you're good to other people just because you should be, you will be treated well in return." "God protects good little children from harm." Yeah, I was burned by both of those, repeatedly.

I believe in karma's dark side, because I've seen it come around. I've yet to see any return on the good things, but I don't let that deter me from trying to be good to others, because I want to be able to sleep at night.

Understand that the road he was to travel was filled with thousands of stores, any of which could have yielded a decent cheap box of chocolate.

He said he would "see what he could do", as if the requested item was a rare thing to find. Then he asked if it had to be a box. I asked him if he was planning to hit a hotel vending machine. I was concerned he would show up with a bottle of cheap chocolate syrup.

Honestly, I was expecting a 99 cent box of the cheapest and nastiest chocolate covered cherries he could find. They are something of a tired joke in my family. My mother loved them, so she gave all of her kids a box for Christmas, and none of us ever really loved them. But we never told her that giving us her own favorite kind of cheap candy just didn't thrill us. You just smile and act like they're a treat.

He asked if I like chocolate covered pretzels. (Because they're HIS favorite, as it happens.). I told him I wanted chocolate, not pretzels. Then he said he might stop by a chocolate shop on the road and get me something there. You know, those cheesy places they have in every mall.

Well, he did. Lol

A tiny white bag with four pieces of candy in it. Two chocolate covered nut patties, one of which he had broken a chunk from and eaten himself. Two cream-center cherry flavored candies -- you know, the ones in a mixed box NOBODY wants to eat. One was half eaten, with tooth marks through the middle.

Ooh, how romantic!

Not really. Lol

Not being a truly materialistic person and never having been given a gift by this guy in the years I've known him, I think he could have done better.

I'm laughing. I knew he wouldn't try to impress me with this request. I was surprised he brought anything. That's the heart of a woman schooled by decades of disappointment. Cynical by experience.

His treatment of me always showed he thought me beneath such considerations as gifts or even birthday cards -- this was the first thing he ever gave me. This was not a man in a financial bind, either.

And he demanded to know what would be his reward for such a grand gesture... To his thinking, I owed him big time for a few half-eaten pieces of candy.

Really? Seriously? Is there a hidden camera filming me?

I didn't really expect him to eat a third of the gift I'd asked him to bring me.

But he did. :) Classy. Lol

Epic fail on the chocolate test.

Please go on and laugh. You have my absolute permission! This IS funny in a twisted way. It also illustrates my family's favorite saying about me regarding dating :

"You sure can pick 'em."

And they don't mean I can pick winners, either.

(My favorite fragrances at Bath and Body Works get discontinued fast. I've got the kiss of death instead of the Midas Touch. )

In case you're wondering about my chocolate preferences, I don't like nuts or cough syrup flavored cream interfering in my chocolate adoration. Pure unadulterated chocolate is what I like, and people know that about me.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

I R Not A Polar Bear

Hauled my butt over to the track today to pick up my training. Today it was 5 warmup walk, 8 running, 5 walk, 8 running, 5 cool down walk. It went pretty well, but I really had to play some Jedi mind games to do the running segments without ever slowing to a walk to catch my breath.

I'm glad I did it. I haven't actually lost any ground by taking two injury-healing weeks off after the last race like I imagined I would. I did just fine and was very happy there wasn't a third running segment coming. I'm coughing like crazy, though, with my lungs producing a lot of mucus. Yuck. I don't know how to get past that, much as I would like to.

The weather was great for running today. No wind, about 55 degrees, golden autumn sunlight. Just warm enough that my tights were the perfect choice with a t-shirt.

When I got out of my car back at home, my hip seized up again, so I decided to brave my first-ever ice bath.

It was cold. Breath-stealing, gasping at my own craziness cold. Still, it was the best and fastest way to get my legs and hips iced from the waist down. I only have two large ice packs and I can't put them on both hips simultaneously. So... Waist down, all at once.

It wasn't too bad after a few seconds. I didn't exactly go numb, but I'm pretty sure I saw blue toes. Over an hour later, and my skin is still cold to the touch. Lol In any case, after my skin had been in the ice water for a minute, it felt no different than swimming around in a cold swimming pool too early in the season.

Why I know what that feels like, I'm not exactly sure, but it wasn't THAT bad, and my hip eased up when I got out and started warming up. :).

Supposedly, ice baths kick-start the healing process in the microscopic muscle tears that are the hallmark of strengthening. I hope it works... I'd hate to think I gave myself an icy bootie for no reason. :D

I was definitely thinking of Eddie Izzard on that one. If he can take it, so can I.

The Scourge of Athlete's Paw

Last Sunday night I noticed my dog was conspicuously in the floor beside my bed. He wouldn't come up on the bed no matter how much I called him, and he was whimpering a little bit.

A late night trip outside showed that he was limping. His little black toe pads turned out to be so swollen that there was a lot of puffy pinkness surrounding the black parts. No wonder he was limping and crying.

I thought there might be something between his toes making them sore, so I soaked his paws in warm water hoping to wash it away. No relief there.

The next morning his toes were just as swollen, and I decided to take him to the vet when I got home from work. His toes on two feet were cracked and bleeding by the time I picked him up at home. :(. Two feet. I was worried he had cut his feet on broken glass Thursday night walking around at the tornado memorial.

The vet that examined him said that he had a bad case of athlete's foot - doggie athlete's foot. Humans get it from a fungus, but for dogs it comes from a yeast naturally found in their rectum, among other places. (My research - the vet didn't tell me this.).

Did YOU know dogs get athlete's foot? I certainly didn't. I'm guessing the poor fella licked his rear then chewed his foot, and that was all that was needed to create an 8 pound disaster.

THAT was the yeasty smell the other vet had noticed two weeks before when I was having his flea allergy treated. I wish she had looked at his paws then -- it would have saved him two weeks of suffering.

Once upon a time I had a boyfriend with such a nasty case of athlete's foot that his feet cracked open and bled, and the skin came off in sheets. He said he was too broke to go to the doctor, so he tried a home remedy of gentian violet. He said it was helping, but we broke up before his feet were healed.

Oh, his feet were his own fault. He wore the same swampy sweaty shoes to work in every single day and wouldn't buy new ones. He had the money to see a doctor; the real reason he wouldn't go is that it would make it easy for his baby's mother (I had no idea) to catch up with him.

So the vet gave my baby ten days of Prednisone to help his paws heal, and a spray bottle of ChlorHex to treat the infection directly. We both hate the nasty stuff. It causes me sneezing fits, and he tries to hide and fights me on getting his paws sprayed.

But it seems to be working so we will keep using it. His paws aren't swollen top and bottom anymore and the pads are beginning to go back to normal. They still look slightly crusty. Ew.

And as for my own paw? I'm positive I broke my toe now. Though I can bend my toe carefully downward, it still hurts a bit. However, putting any pressure on top of that toe is near-excruciating. But what can you do for a broken metatarsal?

Uh, nothing. Just don't press on it where you broke it. And ensure that stoneware won't fall onto it next time.

Friday, November 2, 2012

ISO Jedi Running Tricks for SWF

Yesterday I was able to put my running shoes on without tearing up, though I know my toe isn't completely healed yet. It hurts to point it downward, still. My hips still hurt, but they actually hurt every day, and have for a few years now. But the strained (my unprofessional term) hip flexor seems better.

In other words, I'm no longer struggling to move my right leg because of the pain, and I'm not currently having a weak response to just trying to propel it forward. First it hurt, and then it was like my leg was dead. (Same leg with the femoral nerve problems, not sure if the hip and thigh problems are connected.)

Once again, fear has risen up in my face to bully me into staying home.

It's been a full two weeks since I could walk right and I really need to get back to my stunted training program. I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt myself again. I'm afraid I will have lost what ground I gained in the previous five weeks and I'll be back at absolute zero once again. I'm afraid I'm gaining weight at an accelerated pace despite a controlled diet. I'm afraid I will keep reinforcing mistakes and they will become a painful habit.

I wish I didn't have to do this alone. Let nobody fool you: it's not always as simple as "Put on your shoes and just run!" I know that some runners relish the solitude, but when you already have your fill of it, it's the last thing you want or need. It's a lonely thing to tackle with no company or advice, and there are all sorts of reasons to give up.

I've been reading a book on mind tricks to keep runners motivated when things become difficult. Hopefully, I'll find something useful... Soon.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Eh, Maybe It IS Broken

For the record, I hurt my foot six days ago. What I thought was just an indentation above the second toe has spent today becoming a dark bruise.

Nothing has hurt that particular place, so I guess it's possible that I cracked my metatarsal and the bruise (which doesn't hurt) is perhaps just the blood seeping out of the bone and pooling in the next area over.

Kinda like an overeager application of glue to fill in the break. Maybe if I massage the bruise, it'll dissolve a little faster.

Just as long as I don't touch the tender base of my big toe. :D

If it's a break, it isn't a bad one, anyway. Flexing my foot does hurt pretty badly, but I haven't had that nauseating rotten feeling I've gotten before with a broken toe.

On the brighter side, at least my dog was outside when it happened. He missed the full volume of my screaming, so he didn't feel it necessary to hide under my bed thinking he was in trouble.

Oh My Freakin' Toe!

My legs have finally stopped hurting... So much. Lol. Actually, the reason I'm still off my feet isn't my lower legs. It's my foot. The tendon over my big toe is still so swollen and tender that it looks like the next toe has a serious depression sunken into it.

Oh, did I fail to mention how accident prone I am? In this case, my clumsiness isn't to blame, however. As I was setting down the heating pad I bought to use on my hip last Sunday, a 15-pound stoneware pan decided to kamikaze, corner down, on top of my foot.

Yeah, ouch.

It's been so swollen, bruised, and sore that I can't wear my running shoes. Too much pressure on the big toe tendon. I think I was lucky not to actually break my toe, but bending that sucker upwards still hurts pretty badly.

Yeah, I know, poor baby. It'll heal like everything else does. But I'm getting a little impatient.

Stuck in the starting gate by a dodgy hip and a busted toe! Well, the weak hip flexors should explain a few things to some people, such as why I was never able to do a roundhouse kick in karate. And a few other things. Lol

43 marathons in 51 days. Eddie Izzard, a comedian and actor with no prior experience in long distance running, and not at the peak of fitness, ran 43 marathons in 51 days with just five weeks of training immediately before that.

He did it for Sport Relief in the UK, and ran a total of 1100 miles in that time.

Despite rain, cold, killer drivers on busy roads with no shoulder, losing toenails, a weird gait, and extreme blisters, his daily injuries didn't stop him from completing every single run. It is recommended to take a month of rest after a marathon. He took one rest day a week after six days of marathons. And he's 47 years old.

Wow. I'm thoroughly impressed. And disgusted with myself that I'm such a recurrent failure. If he can do that, why can't I do the little bit I'm trying to accomplish? Well, he did have support. A small crew of people including a sports therapist.

Me? I've got people asking about my race time and saying "at least you finished" and asking why I haven't become instantly thin since I've started running. No questions about the training program I'm using, or anything else. Not interested in the process, just demanding excellent and immediate results.

I've heard it all before. I've even been grounded for six weeks after making a B on a weekly quiz instead of an A. (I missed one question on a ten-question quiz, if you were wondering.). Oh, not just grounded. That wasn't enough, was it? Sentenced to clean the bathroom every day on my hands and knees, specifically on that ceramic tile floor. And not once any help offered in studying for a single test so that I could make an A.

But I guess I deserved such a severe double punishment for that B, only discovered after someone went snooping in a note one of my friends had written me. I'm sure EVERY parent who loves their child does that to them, right?

I remember a specific voiced disappointment that my sister and I weren't the valedictorian and salutatorian of our graduating class. Considering that I'm a year younger, was I supposed to not only skip a grade but become second in the class simultaneously? Or at least first in my own class?

All the while complaining LOUDLY over the once-yearly request for a poster board to complete a class project. (Subtext: stop bothering me to help you once a year by taking you to buy school supplies.) I think they cost, what, 15 cents when I was in high school? Every year the same complaint, aren't we too OLD to be doing projects in school? I guess I was supposed to be wildly successful despite all of the deliberate obstacles being continually put in front of me.

So... Extreme results expected with ZERO actual support. Talk about being a self-made person. It seems I continue to be a disappointment. I hear about it all the time.

Well, maybe if I had been able to focus on my schoolwork instead of having to hold a job all that time, I could have done better, hmm? Unfortunately, 3:15-3:45 each day before work was NOT enough time to do a fantastic job with high school homework.

So it's probably no wonder that every setback in running makes me lose heart and faith that I can do any better.

I've got another new running book that supposedly tells why you should take a substantial amount of time off from racing after your last race disaster, but of course, I can't find it. *sigh*. I'm not sure if I'm going to run next month in the one I ran last year. I just don't think I'll do more than be a dismal failure. Again.

To say that I need a trainer is a vast understatement. But I need one that understands the point of all this is for me to become a light and lean runner, rather than a short stocky woman. I don't know that anybody local even knows how to do that for me.