Monday, April 9, 2012

Bug Spray and Breakfast Bars

They top my list of the things I need to buy tonight before I go to bed. I've already been asleep for nearly four hours though. I don't remember going to sleep; I just kinda passed out. I intended to go to my nephew's ball game, but I slept through it and sometime in the middle I did a zombie sleepwalk through the house to let my dog outside.

I wish I could say that I felt better, but I don't. I woke up feeling just as dead inside as ever, and having trouble carrying on socially acceptable conversations. I apologize for not being comfortably cheerful, and I'll do my best not to say any more out loud, because I can't make anyone understand me anyway. It seems like I'm speaking a different language than everyone else.

Maybe my little sector of the matrix was corrupted by a computer virus or something. It reminds me of the time my Mac at work got hit with the Melissa virus and I started thinking I had gone insane. Lol. It was a little funny, after the problem had been found and fixed. But suspecting I was crazy wasn't pleasant at all.

This isn't crazy, but my brain certainly seems to be intent upon hibernating.

If I'd gone to the ballpark without putting a bunch of bug spray on, the mosquitoes would have swarmed me anyway. I thought it was ironic that someone said today we weren't going to have any mosquitoes this year; mosquitoes have been eating me alive for weeks now. He can have all of mine, if he wants them. I'm an attractor. Yep, the creepy things still go after me first. Applies in more ways than just insectoid bloodsuckers, too.

I have to remember the protein bars because they are my usual breakfast. And pretty often they're my dinner too, because I don't feel like cooking. Or eating.

The people who have seen me the past two days haven't really noticed something is wrong with me. I don't blame them. It might mean they would have to expend some kind of effort in my direction if they did. And they all have more important things to do than do more than an obligatory surface scan.

It's worked just fine since I was a little girl: they ask how you are, you lie and tell them "fine" like you do the people at work, and then they don't have to actually check to see if it's a lie because they did their duty in asking. Like a grocery store that puts a bunch of past-prime meat under a layer of pink, fresh meat to trick the buyers. How unpleasant it would be to see something is decaying so close to the survface.

Since there are no humans dependent upon me, there are no humans who have to keep a check on me. It makes them happy not to have to deal with it anyway. More time for themselves, which means more time for them to think of what all I can be doing for them. I sluggishly float back into existence when I'm useful again.

No. I'm done being considered support staff. I quit. I'll sleep more. I can't cope with this stuff anyhow But I *can* sleep the rest of my waking hours away.

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