Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Knowing What You Want

Once a boyfriend accused me of not knowing what I wanted. I did. What he really meant was that I didn't want what he wanted, purely on his terms. That was a very shallow relationship. Well, he was a really shallow man. My depth was what he was avoiding, so to speak. I'm too serious, too deep.

I don't think he was afraid of drowning, exactly, but more likely he wanted things extremely casual and he was afraid he'd lose his desire to be a selfish jerk if he started considering that I had feelings of my own.

For a while I thought that not having a specific person in my life was what made me unhappy. Looking back now, I don't think he had it in him to be the kind of man I wanted. Not that it was such a tall order, you understand, but that he wasn't really mature enough be what I needed him to be. That's not to say that I feel myself superior, even now, but that we were just in different places.

It's possible that I'm not on some lofty plane but just in another type of reality, which I acknowledge as proving me to be the weird one. At least locally, it's weird because I never saw the value in getting chemically tanked with a guy as a method of bonding. Lol. And I am out of the ordinary for my insistence on waiting until I was married to a guy to start a family with him, and then swapping baby-daddies a few months later. I guess there is something about the lure of that situation that I will never understand.

I am definitely suspect for not going there, to the people who did go that route. They look down on me. ;) I don't get it. Hey, it's something when nobody wants you enough to knock you up and then abandon you.

Lately I've realized that there is no particular person I've got in mind, but more like a type of person. Intelligence is not an option; it's a requirement. I just don't like the dumb ones who try to walk all over me because I think I'm smarter than they are. Well, saying that just proves not only that I am, but also that it bothers them far too much. I've tried, but it always becomes a bone of contention.

So... Gimme a smart guy with some creativity so he can at least understand who I am and not always be mad at me for drawing or painting or making something.

There are, of course, other traits that are important, but I can't really mention them here because I will have to see evidence of those particular attitudes without providing a checklist. My standards aren't that high, but they are *different* than the average person's.

Sure, anyone can pretend to have that mindset, but they can't actually be that way. Its an easy thing to see though that act because the ... Hmmm... Shall we say, strain? would prove to be too much before long. It's my standard, and it's not a common trait. I could describe it, but only a small group would understand what I mean.

I'd rather not bother playing certain games if everyone involved can't perform their part, you know? Hmm. I guess in the meantime I should just channel those thoughts into my fiction writing. I might not ever find anyone strong enough for the role. At least, not where I come from. But understand that it isn't just playing a part It's ingrained personality. This is something that you just can't fake.

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