Sunday, April 15, 2012

See, what had happened was...

Depression can affect you in strange ways. It can cause physical pain when there is no injury (and believe me, it's not phantom pain), it can cause you to develop unofficial narcolepsy, it can cause people to abandon you when you've already told them that's the worst thing they can do to you, and it can cause some behaviors that are a bit odd, to say the least.

My last round with it lasted a full week. I won't get into who abandoned me, because I knew it would happen. By the way, if a severely depressed person acknowledges that they would be terrible company, sometimes you should force them to endure your company anyway. I don't really want to be alone in the darkness, anyway. But I am never going to ask for help when I've been refused help for so long. If they don't want to talk about "it," at least talk to them about something.

I may have given the "leave me alone" vibes. I honestly don't remember much of those days.

But hey, I know I'm responsible for not bringing anyone else down, and to hell with what I need. So I won't bother you if I can keep my wits about me. Maybe you should open your eyes and have your wits about YOU. Pay attention.

What causes it? Sometimes absolutely nothing is a trigger. I've never taken drugs recreationally, and I tend to rebel when I'm told I have to take something every day. I'm a bit childish like that. I don't want to put a bunch of chemicals in my body. I don't smoke, and I rarely drink. If I'm out, sure. But I'm an adult and I don't sit around by myself drinking to cope with anything. I don't get the point of someone drinking until they vomit either. Yay, sounds so fun. Not. Lol

So sometimes it just happens. Even after a period when I've been really up and happy. (Yeah, shut up about that. I know.) A thought goes too far and I start to slide. The downward spiral begins and if nobody interferes, it increases in intensity until the absolute crash.

Well, I crashed last week and I hid it because I had to work. If you saw me you may suspect I have a little bit of acting talent after all. Ha ha. My family saw me on Easter and I know that with the way I was acting, they probably made the wrong assumption about the cause. Nobody ever asked me about it.

Let me explain. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. Like I was really heavily medicated after surgery or drunk or something. Everything seemed a bit unreal to me. For days at home I stumbled around unable to keep my balance. I was very careful not to take so much as a Tylenol, and I didn't drink anything stronger than water. Still, things were weird, and the sadder I became, the weirder it was.

So I slept a lot. I had trouble staying awake anyway. If I looked at it scientifically, I'd probably find a serious shortage of dopamine in my brain.

Ooh drugs, right? Well, while you're looking down your nose at me for having this problem, ask yourself how many pills you regularly take. Bet you have one for every mood. I don't. I choose not to elevate myself to the classy status of pill head.

I know it's a status symbol for some people, that they "need" their drugs. They brag about what they can get from their doctors. I'd rather be clean. That's MY choice, and I know how ironic it is that my reputation gets trashed because I refuse to take a bunch of drugs. Even adults try that peer pressure thing with drugs.

Besides, I've tried antidepressants. And though I was told "I wish you'd start taking them again because I liked you better when you were," I'm just not here to suffer the side effects and zombie-like state for the sake of pleasing someone else. They don't actually work on me anymore, anyway. I'll pass. And I'll pass on the weight gain too.

I know a lot of that is just trying to kneecap me to their level because they are jealous of... I don't know, what's the petty cause this week? Oh, I'm still breathing? Well, let me just hold my breath for you until you feel better.

Yeah, whatever. I've finally realized I'm not the black sheep. I'm glittery purple. Haha. Deal with it.

It never occurred to me to ask a doctor specifically for drugs. (Thought only junkies did that, but anyway!) Then again, whenever I finally go to the doctor (Really sick by then) and they snidely ask me what I think is wrong with me. I get the Attitude. It says, "You, mere mortal, could not possibly have the intelligence to understand your symptoms and self-diagnose. And how dare you presume to know more about your body than I do ???"

Well, I do. Lol. I'm living here 24/7, ain't I? And you aren't ever going to get INTO my body, either.

I know, that's a sign of a bad doctor. Nurse-practitioners seem to be the ones with compassion for patients. I don't want drugs. I just want to be healthy.

So no, I wasn't under the influence of anything but my own shortage of a vital neurotransmitter. And gosh darn it all, avoiding this problem was the reason I would never experiment with drugs in the first place! LOL. As a kid I had heard that taking drugs would damage your brain's ability to produce healthy chemical levels, so I did the right thing and stayed far away from that garbage.

Feeling a little better now, I can laugh at the irony inherent in that belief. I took the high road and it still had the same potholes in it. ;). Somebody up there has quite the dry sense of humor.

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