Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Strawberry Jello...

... Shots. That's what I made when I got home from my midnight shopping. I'll try them tomorrow If Tuesday is as bad as Monday was, I'll be trying many of them.

Now that I've put a little thought into it, I'm wondering if certain family members' alcoholism wasn't their attempt to cope with lifelong depression they weren't really capable of handling. But I can't exactly ask them about it, as they are both dead.

Instead of being the problem itself, maybe alcoholism was the symptom of something more insidious. Maybe they had the "black dog" stalking them all along.

It's not something I want to discuss with any of the "fair weather" folk in my life, because they just see it as an opportunity to think themselves superior.

Next person who tells me "I always knew there was something wrong with you (and I never cared enough to help)," is going to see me fake a violent streak long enough to hit them pretty damn hard. :).

Okay, I don't hit people, but the fantasy of that is comforting.

Still, what kind of a jerk does that make someone who looks down their nose at you like that? I know that in at least two cases, it came from sheer jealousy. Jealousy that they pretend I have had everything handed to me easily, while they ignored all the years of preparation, sacrifice, and work to get what little I have.

While they were out partying, I was researching and writing papers, and working two jobs to pay for a little food and tuition in college. And sometimes I hear them say that they are going to go get a degree or two, nonchalantly, as if it's all they'll have to do.

Piece of cake, right?

Well, how are they going to pay for it?

How are they going to study with "no time" for lowly people like me? (Ok, I get it that part is a lie for the sake of avoidance. You make time for what you want to do.)

How are they going to do their work, when they've been used to having someone else "help them out" with all school work?

When they expect someone to do their printing, typing, and research for them, when people like me finally turn a deaf ear?

If you thought it was hard going to college as an 18 year old fresh out of school, do you think a couple of decades will make it easy now that you have "responsibilities and bills"? News flash: even as an undergrad, I had responsibilities and bills. But I didn't have a boyfriend or husband at a home of my own waiting to make me feel like I wasn't swinging in the wind. Having someone behind you is what makes it easier. Try it all on your own, with so many hoping to see you fail.

A mere hour away from home, my dad visited me at school four times during my last two years. That's it for ... Well, my entire family.

My two friends were always with their various boyfriends, or being in plays. One of those friends spent an entire semester publicly making out with my ex-boyfriend every time they saw me, apparently trying to make me jealous. But I didn't want him back once I knew where he had been. I told him that the night he broke up with me for not having sex with him. (I was 17... I had every right to say no if i didn't want to. And it made me angry to have him constantly trying to guilt and pressure me into it.)

The girl he dumped me for was a tramp. Ick. Talk about unclean. (Motel room + 4 guys... You decide.) Besides, I would never go after a friend's ex. You just don't do that.

A pity that she couldn't understand that a few years later when a different boyfriend of hers showed up on my doorstep, obviously having imagined I was longing for him. Eww. No way. Too greasy to be my type I didn't even want to be hospitable enough to let him come into my living room. He was creepy. He was absolutely delusional to think I wanted anything to do with him. And for that matter, so was she. So I told her, though he tried to "finesse" me into keeping it "our secret". He said she just wouldn't understand. I told him *I* didn't understand and told him to leave. I still don't know how he knew where I lived.

She didn't speak to me for years after I told her what he tried. Then she told me she FORGAVE (the nerve...) me when she caught him cheating on her. Then she married him. She still gives me the impression that she'd rather spit on me than wave, but I suppose she will just have to be that way.

Now with my ex-boyfriend, it's pretty obvious what would have happened if I had given in. He would have dumped me the minute Miss I'm Still In Love With Her poked her dirty little nose back in. And there I would have been, just another high school cliche.

I'm not happy, per se, but that's not the cause of it. However, at least I'm not regretting doing THAT with him.

No comments:

Post a Comment