Sunday, April 8, 2012

Wanted: More than I will get

• An iPad-compatible Blogger app that's not buggy.
• an iPad blogging app that doesn't spazz out over apostrophes in the subject line.
• This horrible depressed feeling to go away.
• That person who said he would answer me if I wrote him, to answer back, or I wont do it anymore.

After sitting up in my bed, I realize that I'm just as sad-feeling as I was yesterday, and the headache has returned with it. Last night I double dosed myself with sleep aids to knock me out fast because I just couldn't stand being conscious anymore.

Being by myself doesn't help. On the other hand, I don't know of anybody who wants to try to cheer me up. Going by the things I've been thinking about lately, it's starting to become dangerous to be alone with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. I never can distract myself, because I know that it's a mind game and what I'm trying to be distracted from thinking.

Oh, bonus, the dizziness has come back too now, and I haven't had so much as a glass of water to drink.

In 53 minutes I'm supposed to be at my sister's house to eat the BBQ her ex-husband has given us for Easter. Itll take 20 minutes just to drive out there and here I am with swollen eyes no amount of waiting will reduce.

I'm completely confused by the gesture. It's really nice of him, but why would he bother? Maybe for his kids, I guess.

Or maybe I just don't get it anyway, being of some alien race that doesn't ever experience love. Well, people are quick to judge me and tell me everything I'm doing wrong on that front, but not a single person has ever offered to help me on terms that I can cope with.

The longer you wait to treat a wound, the more likely it is to get infected and leave a nasty scar. Why do people think that by distancing themselves from the hurt, they'll just magically get better all on their own. The thought defies logic.

Well, I suppose that when I get there I'll have more time to chew over else thoughts. I'll just squirrel myself into a corner and be antisocial.

What? Its not like anyone would gravitate to me anyway. You have to have something they want or need, and my company is not at the top of either list.

So yeah, I feel really bad right now, but I will do what I have always done. I'll put on a phony smile that no one ever sees through and be that piece of furniture that doesn't cause anybody to spare a thought.

I'm just here. Wasting oxygen.
I'll be here until I'm not here anymore.

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