Saturday, May 5, 2012


Okay, my my presence out in the world today wasn't actually *wanted*, so I will forgive myself for the case of agoraphobia that has messed with me today.

It's just mild and occasional. I know that it could be so much worse, and I'm not sure it isn't just social anxiety, but it certainly manifests physically. So let's put it in simple terms:

I'm shy. Really shy. Sometimes I put on an act and fake being outgoing, just to get things done. There's a huge difference between faking and reality, as any man can surely tell you. Or maybe they don't really know the difference. Well, one described to me the tangible difference, so I think he understands the difference but doesn't recognize it when confronted with faking. Hmmm. Where was I?

Oh yeah, fake-it-till-you-make-it does not change a personality, no matter how much you try. That's a change born of losing insecurity, and let's face it, I'm just a little bit insecure. But at least I can admit it and not smother the life out of someone while I'm in denial.

It reminds me of the time my sister was in Kentucky Lake, behind the boat, and she had me out her dog and my dog (Yorkies) into the water with her to cool them off and let them swim. Both dogs panicked. They thought her head was the only dry land left in waterworld and tried to climb on top of it. She was getting dunked in the process. Photographic memory for the win. ;)

Now THAT is clingy. I was accused of being clingy once, so out of spite or stubbornness, I not only let go of the guy, I pushed him out of my life for good. That'll teach him. (Oh come on, I knew he wasn't a keeper even then -- he was a user. )

So, physical signs that are absolutely freaking me out about going outside today: racing heart, hyperventilation, shaking all over, especially in my hands. Anxiety about what or who is out there. It's part of the same reaction set I have with hypoglycemia, so yea, I've eaten some applesauce (no sugars added) just in case, but it isn't helping. Cooking food for someone else's party wasn't going to work for me either, so I'm sorry about that. That whole situation is what did me in today, anxiety-wise. I just couldn't hang out with strangers comfortably.

Please don't tell me to take a bunch of drugs to compensate. Self-medication would not be effective. This is a behavioral situation - I had a little bit of help with that over the last few months, but the only person willing to help is now gone. So..... I wasn't ready to fly solo yet, though I do appreciate the help I received.

I cried when my dad took he training wheels off my bike too, but at least riding my bike without them was a fun activity. Doing everything alone... Is not.

I've had 20 years of experience, so don't act like your sudden freedom is a panacea, if that's the case. Just because you were being choked, doesn't mean nobody else might want a comforting arm around their shoulders on occasion. Apples and oranges. Raspberries and pineapples.

I will become braver when I don't have to do it alone. ;). But until then, I guess I'll remain a homebody. I've opened the blinds today to get me over my fear and maybe tempt me into going out, but right now in still holed up in my dark bedroom with no motivation to leave.

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