Friday, May 18, 2012

I have a dream

Actually, the dream made me think of the song from Mamma Mia the minute I woke up. It was a peaceful dream, and it made me happy. Very little has done that lately and I've been desolate and miserable, so the dream was helpful.

I have a dream
A song to sing
To help me cope
With anything
If you see the wonder
Of a fairy tale
You can take the future
Even if you fail
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream
I have a dream

I have a dream
A fantasy
To help me through
Reality
And my destination
Makes it worth the while
Pushing through the darkness
Still another mile
I believe in angels
Something good in everything I see
I believe in angels
When I know the time is right for me
I'll cross the stream
I have a dream
I'll cross the stream

Note that she doesn't say she believes the fairy tales... Just appreciates them. :).

I dreamed I was running and it was painless. (Even in the dream, I was concerned about my shin splints as i started. Let's hear it for those who tear muscles while trying to do something positive for their health.)

Almost effortless running as well, which makes me think that maybe I took a trip back to when I was 14 and still had to run in PE class. I never minded that running, but the next year when I wanted to go out for track, suddenly it was "unladylike".

I know my parents will never appreciate the conscious effort I made to be as trouble-free as I chose to be. I was angry enough that I could have rebelled and been absolutely hell on wheels. Not once did they get called to school on my behalf.

I was rewarded by not being allowed to participate in any extracurricular activities that troubled a stepparent for a ride home after 3:30. I lived half a mile from the school. It wouldn't have been so much to ask. Not like oh, band and horseback riding lessons and piano lessons. I even tried to walk home but that was too dangerous do I couldn't do anything.

After the wild kids in the family got past, I was rewarded with a horribly strict curfew and no freedom. Work, school, nothing else allowed. I got in trouble for going to Wal-Mart after school for an hour. True, I was just walking around in there talking to my best friend because I hated going home that much. I was the good kid, and smart enough not to believe the line about the absolute chokehold on me being a sign of parental love. In this case, that's a lie.

Anyway, maybe that dream was a positive reminder that I can still get back to running, despite my current injuries. Even in the dream I reminded myself to get OFF the concrete and into the grass. :)

I found a shin strengthening exercise using weights and a pulley to do toe lifts. Maybe if I could fit my foot through a kettle bell? If not, I can engineer something. (I do have little feet, so maybe.)

Like last summer, I plan to spend most of my free time drowning in improving my shape. I want to run, really want to, but not for any reward other than just how wonderful it feels to move that fast. Im doubtful ill lose a single pound doing it. My killer routine and dead metabolism last summer (3 strenuous hours daily of weight training and cardio) didn't cause any weight loss and it should have.

I may end up spending a lot of money swimming in the evenings at the community center as well. Just swimming laps... I can't believe I can still swim as well as I did last year. Good cardio work with no torn shin muscles.

The intent is really to kill myself working out and hope that something positive happens with my body, but if a heart attack kills me in the process, I'm not so sure that would be a bad thing either. I've got nothing left. I don't want to be me anymore. At least exercising alone doesn't generate whispers -- it's rather expected.


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