Sunday, May 6, 2012

Running Guilt 2

When I started going to the gym last year, I worried that people would laugh because I was so out of shape. I needn't have worried. Lol. Only one person ever spoke to me or notice that I was there, and she was the manager. To everyone else in the gym, I was completely invisible. I still am, but now I'm embarrassed once again because of my hiatus. Argh.

The sad thing is that I have a 24 hour key to the gym. :). I am so pathetic. I might need to start going late at night if I'm having trouble sleeping. I figure that if I'm already having insomnia, exercise won't be likely to keep me awake. Lol. Already there.

Having no clue about training, as I've admitted before, I believe I was weightlifting too much. Maybe I should do an every-other-day routine with the in-between days being running. I noticed that I built muscle mass when I wanted to slim down. I can go slim. My bone structure is meant to support a slim person -- except for my hips, which were obviously meant to have several babies with no problems -- sorry I ruined the master plan to repopulate the place with mini-me's.) Perhaps that's for the best. Maybe the world is getting more stupid, and me adding smart children to it goes against the master plan.

My boss says that he runs when he has a lot on his mind and that's his de-stressing activity. Okay, I need that. It wouldn't hurt me to have some place in my head to go when the old fight or flight response smacks me upside my head. And I would love to feel invisible enough to run in my own neighborhood. (They really need to turn the old industrial dump on my block into a park...). I suppose I could run until the sidewalk ends in my run down old 'hood.

Seriously, that one pound I've regained has me worried. Feels like it is chasing me. I have to completely overhaul my eating habits. Start eating meals again, just a different kind. Eat on a schedule. Plan. What a hassle. I'm spoiled by having to answer to nobody. But it is my absolute privilege as a single woman, is it not? If you never do anything for me, don't you dare presume to put yourself in a dominant position over me. Take that as you will. There has to be a trade-off. Because I say so. Yeah.

I'm pretty sure that finishing races will have to be its own reward because I will never be one of the first finishers in my age group at this point. There's too much competition and I'm just too slow for now. However... I'm looking at those half-marathons in lovely locations and wishing I could run one of the themed races in some place like Disney World. :D. I am so childish. Lol

Maybe that should be a goal -- get myself to an appropriately competitive level and then I can run in one of the nice locations, despite the travel costs. Hmm. But first... Master the 5K.

Train for 5k.
Finish 5k again - already survived it. Lol
Improve time on 5K
Start training for 10k
Improve 10 k time
Run half marathon
Run marathon.
Cross it off bucket list and keep going. Lol. Yeah, this will take at least two more years. And I have the personal time to do it.

I'm not sure how this will affect my introverted nature. Maybe it will help. Maybe I'll retreat even further from the world. Who knows. Who cares? Nobody is exactly missing me out there. Lol

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