Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Late Night Meltdown

I was already in an angry mood last night when I did my training run. Maybe that contributed to my inability to breathe properly while I was doing it. I also stuck to the limit of the app's time intervals, so that limited my distance.

All of that means that instead of getting into a proper breathing pattern that I controlled (by getting out of breath first, recovering, and then maintaining my breathing), I was nearly finished by the time I was in control.

Nearly finished and hurting. Shins again. According to my apps, my timing was still good, but I felt completely defeated. If not for my infernal shin splints, I could keep going and get my cardio under control sooner and improve the whole package.

Having to take so many extra rest days is preventing me from losing weight like I should, which in turn, makes running longer times nonstop much more difficult. It's a nasty little catch-22.

Actually, it's a huge catch-22. At this point, my app starts increasing my run times mercilessly. A minute or two more each new run day. It looks like I may have to start re-running some days, like last night's program. Am I supposed to keep moving forward if I didn't do the run perfectly? Am I being too hard on myself with perfectionism rearing its ugly head?

Last night I was supposed to run 3 minutes nonstop and the shin pain wouldn't let me run for longer than two minutes without a ten second walk in the middle. I pushed myself hard, but I just couldn't breathe, which made ignoring my shin pain impossible The frustration, not the pain, nearly had me in tears.

When I read about a 72 year old man winning a race over hilly terrain, I was embarrassed by my current lack of progress. Okay, he started seven years ago and I started a month and a half ago, overweight. Technically, I'm obese, and unless my breasts fall off completely, I'll always be "overweight" anyway, even if the rest of me is skin and bones.

Still, I wouldn't mind a peek into a future that shows me this is going to pay off someday. Last night I ran after four rest days. Soon I'll be traveling for nine days. That should be enough rest from using my running muscles and tendons, but I'll be walking a lot.

Will that be the right kind of "rest"? Will I be able to fit my fat rear in the plane seat comfortably? No, it's not to the point of needing a seatbelt extender, but whenever you wish you were smaller, self-perception always says you are fat. At least now I can bend over without gasping for breath now. Right?

The app coaches that if you have a really bad run it usually comes right before a breakthrough. Yeah, or a breakdown. I had the breakdown late last night.

Maybe I'll be better off in Europe and I'll eat actual meals for a change. I don't do it at home. Yesterday the only real food I had before running was a protein bar and some oats.

Yeah, all my fault, but it's difficult not to waste a lot of food when you're cooking vegetables and meats separately. Try it -- you'll get tired of eating the same thing for every meal for an entire week, while trying to eat before it all goes bad. Desire beats conscience every time, despite good intentions. Maybe I just need to make a lot of stews and freeze them so I'll have to eat my veggies.

Bad run, angry mood, dizziness... All boiled down to a serious bout of acute depression last night. I knew it was coming from the dizziness. My dog wouldn't even have anything to do with me. Dizziness is the first sign, and then the blackness of mood descends with a speed that always shocks me. It's like being pushed off a cliff.

A friend talked me through in the early hours of the morning, but I still haven't quite recovered to my usual level of medium grey emotion. It would have been worse without that conversation. Nothing is resolved in my heart, still, at least I remembered to take an antihistamine so the swelling in my face and sinuses was reduced by this morning. I'm still shaking like a leaf in a high wind though.

It's like looking into a maelstrom.

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