Saturday, June 16, 2012

Water, water, everywhere

Drinking liters of water each day is the miraculous secret of easy weight loss for every person on the planet!

No it isn't. Not if you are a woman a few days in front of the dreaded worst week of your month.

I'm going to have to start scheduling three monthly weigh-ins that keep a huge distance from the point at which I realize that dropping sodas from my diet and adding 60+ ounces a day of drinking water has done no good.

I've gained ten pounds in a week. Not from eating, either.

"Well, you can't eat like a PIG and expect to lose weight!" Every time I hear that, someone's a*****e quotient rises in my perception of them. They say things like this as if i run home after work and start cramming my face with Twinkies.

The guiltiest of sneering this at me are the ones who actually DO have cookies and chips in their cabinets at all time. I have unsweetened applesauce instead. But not much stays in my 2 cabinet "pantry" that is edible food. Staples, such as a bag of sugar that takes me a year to use, though most of it is used in my bathroom for making face and body scrubs. A box of tea bags that I'm not inspired to make into tea Spices and cookbooks dominate most of my pantry. A couple of jars of pesto, a can of turkey chili, a couple of cans of soup... Some rolled oats, whole wheat pasta... No room for Twinkies and their pals, I'm afraid. Sometimes there might be some nuts or granola. Oh, some Special K protein bars. Breakfast and lunch most summer days.

(By the way, the Special K "ten pounds in two weeks" diet didn't work, and I really pinched calories for my dinners during it. And hypoglycemia reared it's ugly head once again. )

The fridge is even worse. The freezer is dominated by bags of pecans frozen in the shells. A couple of bags of frozen veggies and cake mixes for holidays when I cook for other people to eat. Down below you may find skim milk, if you're lucky , condiments I never have much reason to use, and my bottles of tap water. Oh, there's the steel-cut oats I have ready to eat for a snack or breakfast.

So please, don't accuse me of gluttony when you haven't taken a look at what little there is to eat at my house. Oh sure, I spend a fortune on dog treats, but only my dog gets those. :)

The water is no panacea. Think of me as a balloon which is just holding onto most of the water. I've been faithfully drinking it for months. I haven't become magically slim, even with the addition of running 1.5-2 miles every couple of days.

(Before you ask, I'm not a secret or even public drinker, either.)

Of course I understand the science behind water and its work with the liver in weight loss. My liver and kidneys are perfectly healthy too. I don't add salt to my food.

I think that those people who believe water is their miracle cure must have been drinking a LOT of soda and then stopped.

Depression causes weight gain.
Not getting adequate sleep causes weight gain.
Stress causes weight gain. I don't know if you can tell, but do I seem a little stressed about my body refusing to follow natural laws for losing weight?

High calories cause weight gain.
Too few calories make your body crisis-store extra fat instead of burning the calories as needed fuel. Weight gain.

Water aids weight loss unless you're a woman with PMS, when you swell like a sausage.

Running is a great weight loss exercise. Possibly the best one.
Running when you are overweight is highly likely to cause injuries.
Running causes incredible thirst and makes me drink extra water.

Weight training makes you gain muscle mass.
Muscle is heavier than fat.

Have fun running overweight when you now have heavy muscles overlaid with the fat that the body refuses to burn for energy.

My doctor told me a few years ago that the only way for me to lose weight and keep it off would be to run five miles a day, every day, for the rest of my life. (He is a runner.)

Ok, so how do you get there from here with ever-worsening shin splints? If I don't rest when they hurt, I'm told the muscles will tear disastrously and walking might not even be possible.

Yeah, I have a right and a reason to complain, so get over it. I want to run just for the enjoyment of it.

Nearly every night now for months I've dreamed about being able to run with no injury. I didn't dream that I was anorexic-thin. I don't want that anyway. I dreamed that I was running and it was a pleasurable experience.

Ah, the wind in my hair, the bugs in my teeth! Phtbbt... Spit that out. Hmm... Extra protein?

It's a far cry from the dreams I used to have of running away from someone scary and having my feet stuck in tar.

(If you just said to yourself that I need to get laid, slap yourself upside your fool head! I can't even date who I want to, and I'm not interested in tomcatting around. Note to the one or two men that know I like them: you are going to have to ask me out. I won't humiliate myself with THAT ever again.)

I'm beginning to believe that science does not rule all. And you know what that leaves, when science fails. Magic.

Where's my wand?

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