Saturday, July 28, 2012

Lilac and a Let-Down

I've waited all day for someone. Now it is close to midnight, and technically, though not realistically, I'm still waiting for my sister to show up. She made the "worried about you" noises.

Reason to worry? Yeah, maybe so. I've been rather out of sorts for a while and I am not one of those people to turns to drugs, alcohol, or any other deviant behavior to cope. It all turns inward and I refuse to be medicated or zombiefied.

I may be my own worst enemy, but I am 100% legitimately myself, with no pretensions of grandeur. Still, all the self-denial and punishment take place in my own heart. No need for anyone on the outside to be cruel, but it seems like quite a game to the people who persist in it. Yee ha.

Now, I do pretend at times not to see and understand precisely what is going on, because sometimes knowing the truth hurts my feelings. It's easier to act as if I don't know and keep my cool facade in place. I "get" a lot more than I let on. Not quite so innocent as I seem, at least mentally. ;).

So, I can't be angry about the lack of consideration today, because I didn't trust in the first place. Oh trust, so easily lost with me, and once it is gone, nearly impossible to earn back. Note that I said earn, not regain. It's not a passive thing to get back. It takes work.

A lot of work. And a suspension of my disbelief that I won't be sold down the river yet again.

So thank you so much. Once again my belief that the general population of the human race is sadly lacking in the basic morality that you do not harm others has been reaffirmed.

I spent the last several hours of waiting by polishing my nails. Ooh, she's gone and done another girly thing again, like wearing skirts to work! My fingernails finally grew back out and I thought I should at least attempt to protect them, since they did me the honor of saying hello. A nice shade of lilac.

Lets see if two base coats, 2 layers of polish, and one serious coat of No Chip acrylic top coat actually let my hard work shine for longer than 12 hours. Last week the speed-dry polish I used was a completely fragile failure. It was a pretty dark pink, though.

For the sake of confessing the literal torture I enacted on myself in the name of beauty, I'll tell how I set the multiple layers of polish. I suffered near-frostbite. I put my fingers deep into a bowl of ice water and held them there for five minutes. My bones ached. My fingers hurt the whole time. And when I pulled them out for a moment because I couldn't stand the bite of the ice any longer, the ends of my fingers were blue. No exaggeration. As blue as my skin supposedly was on the day I was born. (My mother told me that. And it was snowing. LOL Maybe that's why I have issues about being cold.)

Finding a shade to go with my clothes and skin tone this time of year is a challenge. I'd love a nice golden tan, but I'm just not willing to risk the skin cancer and wrinkles at the moment. I look pretty decent for my age, though I lack the leathery tan of a sun-worshipper.

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