Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Paranoid Dreams to Heal By

I'm certain that my vivid dreams are meant to keep my head under the waters of painless sleep longer. I almost said the waters of Lethe, but that would be inaccurate... Or would it? I never truly forget pain, but as the dead must drink from Lethe to forget their earthly lives...

There were people trying to kill me in my dreams last night. And I literally forgot who I was. I dreamed I was someone else entirely, but I've figured out that my subconscious had a purpose for it, better than just entertaining my silly brain.

Okay, don't laugh. I dreamed I was Severus Snape. :). I didn't realize it for a while though. Several men were trying to break in and kill me. (All right, Freud would have a field day with that.) I think anyone can figure out what I'm afraid of there, so let's just agree to have a rueful chuckle about it and move on. I really am okay. :)

I killed one and managed to get away, which is when I saw the black robes Snape always wore, hanging off my arms. I didn't remember that I knew how to use magic to kill people so I did it with me own two hands. Lol.

At the time, I remembered thinking that once again, someone had misunderstood what I was trying to accomplish and attacked me for it. Good grief. Will people ever stop trying to hurt me for their own amusement?

That was the first half of the dream. It morphed a bit right after that. Why Snape? All along, he is doing the right thing behind the scenes, for all the right reasons, and because he isn't making an obvious show of it, everyone thinks the worst of him for it. Broken childhood, loses his only friend as well as the only girl he ever loved, not once but twice. Still, he sacrifices himself to make everything safe for all the people who still hate him. Nobody finds out just what a miserable yet good person he was until after he is dead, because he keeps punishing himself for one mistake his entire life.

Wow, talk about somebody who needed a hug, huh? To say I identify is quite an understatement. I could say why I identify with him, but that would take a lot of trust That I can't just toss out to an anonymous reader. Sorry. :)

Men at the door trying to kill me in some way? Maybe not literally kill me, but certainly not good for my psyche with the mind games they have tried to play. Now I do know they are trying to mess with my head and I won't fall for it, but still... The intent behind the action is just wrong. (They did NOT "get in".) They're just looking for an ego boost, nothing of true feeling.

I really just need someone in my life who wants to be nice to me, not use me, and I don't think that takes nearly the effort that mind games do. Being truly nice to me is all it takes for me to give the right person everything.

I told someone the other day (who was worried about running out of things to say to his girlfriend to keep all airspace filled with talking) that if it's the right person, you can hang out with no talking and it feels just fine. :). Not all silences are uncomfortable. Sometimes the only sound you need is the other person's heartbeat.

So yeah, I understand what my subconscious is trying to tell me. I know who is bad for me, I know who is good for me, and I feel downright persecuted by the bad guys. Running for my life because there was nobody to help me in my dream. I hope I don't always have to do it myself. Saving myself is exhausting.

As the dream continued, I wound up in the house where I grew up, with my family members being the absolute worst versions of themselves. Some of it was just a replay of recent events that infuriated me, and some was pure fiction for the sake of the dream.

I did a lot of screaming at people who made me mad. They didn't seem to hear me. (Did they ever? I think that was the point of this part of the dream. Pointing out the futility of defending myself). They made me angry enough that I finally punched someone right in the face, and it was like my hand didn't even connect with his nose. He didn't feel it.

I believe that is what is called "impotent fury". Lol. There's no point in fighting when nobody even notices that you are there.

Or maybe there is, if there is even a glimmer of hope that you might have a chance of a good outcome, eventually.

Why did I mention healing? Well, that takes place during sleep, especially deep sleep. Dreams have their purpose. For me, the purpose may be simple entertainment, a warning, or sorting through what my conscious mind is unwilling to deal with. It's a more honest perspective -- a mental slap in the face -- when my emotions have me tangled up at the starting gate.

Let's face it -- I was really hurting last night when I went to sleep. Heart and legs too. Sleep won't heal my heart, but it will help my legs. :) My life will have to improve before my heart will heal. My body has to change to fix my legs. I ran in 58% humidity, 93 degrees, and the biggest defeated feeling yet.

It feels like I'm getting WORSE at running, but you know what is actually getting worse? It's the humidity. And morning is MUCH worse on humidity readings. Oh, believe me, I have checked!

It feels like I have asthma, wheezing while I run and unable to catch my breath. Still, I forced myself further last night, when I thought I couldn't make it, and had a 14.10 minute mile.

Stop laughing - it's a minute faster for me, and I'm overweight. I'm sure all the soccer game attendees were laughing at me as I slogged by.

I did a lot of toe-pointing stretches last night in hopes of lessening today's shin pain. And the first time I got up and walked to the door.... I thought my left Achilles tendon was going to snap right off my heel. Great. Just what I freakin' need, right ? Lol

It's too bad self-massage doesn't work for my legs. Somebody else is going to have to do me that favor.

Oh, that "checklist" that women supposedly all have? My list only has one thing on it. It's not tall, handsome, rich, tan, hair color, eye color... Be nice. Especially to me. That's all that really matters to me anyway. And if that isn't there, he doesn't stand a ghost of a chance.

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