Sunday, September 2, 2012

Not Home

I need a couch. Yep, I truly do. I used to have a couch, which I bought from someone who was about to throw it away, until I could find furniture that appealed to me. Nothing really did. When I found something I liked, I discovered that my dog had taken to marking all of the furniture as his. I'm hesitant to buy anything else he could ruin. But what's the other option, live like this until he's dead, ten years from now? I'm rather co-dependent -- I need my dog. He stays.

If you're one of those people about to suggest I start abusing an eight pound dog with separation anxiety, you'd better not tell me, unless you want me to mark you as evil. Let me guess, you beat your children to potty-train them, didn't you? Well, I've taken enough beatings in my life that I just don't want to bully anyone else like that, so keep THAT opinion to yourself. Life hasn't worked out for him either. He's just as depressed as I am. Maybe it's the company he's keeping.

So, what happened to the couch? Well, someone got a divorce and lost their furniture in it, so I loaned them my couch and old bed. Temporarily. For three years now. And since then I've had nowhere to sit except the floor, on the rare occasion when I have company. Nobody wants to sit right next to you on a love seat. It's a little too close for comfort, and you can't look at them anyway.

I'd pen my dog in the kitchen all day, but I loaned my pen to someone and they haven't returned it. I've asked. It's all I can do.

My living room is really too small for more than a couch and maybe a chair. And a bigger tv mounted on the wall. Let's face it - the good tv is in my bedroom, so that's where I spend all of my time.

I need bookshelves too. Serious bookshelves that didn't come from a local cheap store or as someone else's castoff. "It'll look great in your house because I'm ready to throw it in the trash (and your house is worthless anyway)."

Gee, thanks for the charity. I could have called Goodwill for warmer thoughts.

There's just not enough space in this house for a modern family to live. It's ill-configured, from the lack of a laundry room to not so much as a linen closet, to the kitchen without counter space that includes a path-blocker within three feet of the entrance.

I've already redesigned the whole thing to make more sense, but really, it wouldn't be worth the hassle or cost to pay someone to remodel it, unless I actually WANTED to stay here forever. I don't.

If I ordered some new living room furniture, it would take about three weeks for it to arrive, during which I could paint the room, repairing the cracks and holes left by the shoring up of my ceiling. That steel beam is a bitch to paint, no matter what I was told. I've tried to paint it, but nothing really does the trick. I need a new front door, because mine has cracked in the heat. (Nobody ever told me there were special rules about painting a wood door.)

Punch me in the arm repeatedly until I either bruise or cry, and I'm supposed to toughen up and take it like a man, but maintenance of a house is supposed to be something I just absorbed from the atmosphere without anyone to teach me. Oh yeah, I'm smart enough to just *know* these things... Or I'm a disappointment.

If I could move all of my heavy bedroom furniture by myself, I could shift some of it into the bedroom while I paint in here too. It needs to be done. I'm fairly certain I've been looking at primer for the last 11 years.

I have been met with some of the most idiotic logic regarding my house.

Close in the carport! You don't really need anywhere to park your car, store the lawnmower, put the rake, hoe, broom, or any of that stuff! (Then what? It becomes a second living room or just one massive kitchen / laundry room?) Stupid.

Turn the third bedroom into a formal dining room! Why? Think a two bedroom house will be worth more than a three bedroom house?

Okay, turn it into a giant laundry / utility room! Well, while I don't currently have any place to take care of laundry, that room isn't rigged for water or the electrical connections necessary for a washer / dryer. And where would I store and use my art materials? How about sewing? Painting? Scrapbooking? The offered solution was that I throw all of that stuff away because I don't need any hobbies to occupy all of my spare time. I should devote more time to watching tv.

(The bottom line of all this is "Don't bother me.")

So... The list of tasks before me is ever-increasing, just to keep me from hating the place where I live every time I pass through it.

Replace all the kitchen cabinets because they're just stupid.
Paint all the knotty pine walls because they are dark orange and ugly.
Put in a range against the wall because nobody needs a separate stovetop in their walking path which puts drawers in an inaccessible corner.
Get a tiny kitchen table.
Put in countertops and drawers because.
Paint the living room. There's always a crazy amount of prep work in this house. This time I'm not sanding mis-attached wallpaper border off the primer it was superglued to (It was easy to tell when nothing would remove it) and then sanding and repriming the entire room, I'll be filling in massive gaps between the crown molding and Sheetrock.

Buy living room furniture.

Funny how none of this list makes me want to jump up and get to WORK. Gee, doesn't that sound fun? Lol :) For what, anyway? Nobody comes here voluntarily except for two family members.

When the list is a million miles long, where do you begin? Maybe you just pray for a strong enough wind to blow the pecan tree onto the house so that it has to be remodeled anyway. Yeah, I hate this house. It's not home. It's a to-do list.

I do like this couch though:

 Note: This is not a good opportunity to unload your old couch.  I can afford to buy whatever new one I'd like.  I just don't like the buying process.  Or the painting to match process.  Or the moving-in and all the preparations required.  Or worrying how to keep my dog from ever raising that leg on the couch.  Thanks so much for your well-intentioned charity, but I got this. Easily.

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