Wednesday, September 12, 2012

That Still, Small Voice

Wouldn't it be helpful to sometimes have someone to confide in, to advise you? While not everyone has a Jiminy Cricket, possible reformed grifter turned child psychologist, on their shoulder, most people have at least one other person around who keeps them from being alone with their thoughts.

When there is no confidante to call upon in a dread state of darkness, the still, small voice keeps up a steady barrage to remind a person of all their insecurities and failures. It's a never ending siege and there is no cease-fire. At least other humans provide a distraction.

At least one friend says that my praying is stupid, because he doesn't believe in God. He hasn't answered my simple prayers for things to get better in my life, so I shouldn't be surprised that abject begging for help is ignored as well. I'm not one of those happy little people who have had things just fall gently into place in their lives, like ticking off the points of a list. It's an issue with me that despite almost always playing fairly by the rules, I've always lost.

It looks like I've managed to push more people away, as they've gotten to know me, and begun to seriously misunderstand me. It doesn't look like I'll ever be able to correct that mistake. Another loss. Another failure. I wish I could ignore me as easily as other people do. But I don't want to be a burden on anyone, any more than they want me there. I'm sorry. I just don't believe that my life's purpose was ever to rave over everyone else's happiness while I took care of their trash. I can't be their cheerleader.

The truth is that since I was a little girl, I was bothered by having to be alone so much. I was a regular little social chatterbox once. It's the sort of thing that changes when other children start forming their hateful little cliques just for the sadistic pleasure of other kids. No point in denying it... I see it every day. It doesn't stop at the threshold of adulthood, either. It just becomes more insidious and hidden.

It's no more appealing to be a loner now than it was back then. It's become more difficult to deal with, now that the still, small voice knows all and has sharp teeth to bite with.

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