Thursday, September 13, 2012

The voice, part 2

Something I've learned in the years I've spent working with children is this: there will be a voice they listen to, and if they are not provided with a strong, positive voice to listen to, they will listen to whatever voice provides the message that makes them feel they belong. Whether it is gang / criminal activity, drugs, alcohol, promiscuity... It doesn't matter to them if it is a deleterious influence -- they just want to belong, to be included. Kids usually have no problem finding someone to influence them. As adults, we are tasked with the responsibility of steering them to a voice that will build their character rather than tear them apart from the inside out. Being parental support for other people's children is draining, to say the least. And people are like car batteries... If there is no engine connection to cycle around and recharge that battery, why do you expect the battery to be able to power everything else indefinitely? Where is the supporting machinery?

Someone told me earlier that I should SMILE! Excuse me? Okay, I won't go there with a response, but you should know that today it is taking all my effort to keep my hands from visibly shaking. I don't take drugs for even the most stressful days (maybe I should), so telling me I should do something that is just intended to make them happier is just...

I'm giving it what little I have left not to cry in front of other people. I exiled my dog last night because I was so upset with him and myself. He's lucky it was just to the kitchen, because I considered leaving him outside all night. I didn't want to be alone, but I didn't want him destroying anything else while I was unconscious.

Waking up shaking all over did nothing to make the situation any better. I suppose "stressed" is a catch-all for being angry, hurt, and afraid all tangled up together. Things keep going wrong, so the anger stays. People turn their backs on me when I need them, so the hurt just grows. The fear is that I can't just shake it but I don't know how I'm going to deal with it. The people who say just smile and pretend its all happy happy... Seem to be shallow people to me. If nobody but you is capable of "real" feelings from your perspective, it shows that you are very self-centered. Maybe even sociopathic.

So do me a favor and tuck your callous coldness back in. Your true nature is showing. I'm not a puppet to grin and dance for your amusement. More like that small ugly dog that mean children like to kick. Even if the stop kicking, the dog will still be small and ugly.

Ignore me for a few months. Maybe my world will miraculously become a happy place. Yeah, just because I'm overdue for something solidly good to finally happen to me. I'll put that expectation of a miracle in the same place I stash my belief in the rest of the fairy tales. Work, sleep, work, sleep. That's what I've got to be so incredibly thankful for. I'm so.... Grateful.

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