Monday, October 15, 2012

Black Dog Nipping my Heels

I woke up with all my joints aching this morning. It didn't help that my dog woke me up at 4:30 am, a full hour early, wanting to go outside. Somewhere in the dark I hit my hand pretty hard, but it was already aching, so that didn't make things any better.

Hips, knees, hands, feet, elbows, back, shoulders, neck. And I get to sit out in 48 degree weather to supervise children walking on the track. I think they have decided its too cold to be walking, though. Half of them wouldn't come out. The majority of the rest are heading in early for breakfast. Lol

That's a good indicator that we won't be doing this much longer this year. They don't want to be out in the cold, especially for no reward. I don't want to be out in the cold and it's part of my job.

I'll be honest. I'm depressed. Not just a little blue, but full-fledged slipping under the water depressed. Yes, there are reasons for it, and nothing I can do about those reasons. There's rarely anything I can do to affect any outcomes in my life. I'm taking the Adam Ant approach and trying to manage it with clean living, exercise, and NO drugs.

Problem is, the things that I could use to occupy myself are activities I can no longer summon an interest in. I just want to go to sleep and not have to wake up again. Waking up in so much pain this morning hasn't helped my mood, either.

I tried distracting myself by going shopping with my brother yesterday. The only craft and fabric store within 75 miles open on a Sunday, and there I was, wandering the aisles, lost and confused about why I wanted to shop there in the first place.

I bought a skein of yarn because a girl in a store asked me to knit her a hat. I was scared because I don't think I can knit. I picked up needles and yarn to try and discovered that my hands remember just fine how to knit, though I've never completed anything beyond a sweater, hats, and a balaclava. Oh sure, I started a cabled sweater, but I gave it up when I realized just how fat cables would make me look. :(.

I should practice making baby sweaters and booties, but making baby stuff makes me even sadder, because I'm likely never going to be able to have children.

Sad. Just getting sadder and lonelier, and I know that admitting it makes a lot of people decide to abandon me entirely. How dare I be sad about being alone for the last twenty years? Why, don't you know there are starving children in China and people in unhappy marriages who would LOVE to be alone forever? Be grateful for what you have! Which is... Solitude?

Lies. Nobody really wants to be alone. And nobody wants to be with that lonely person who is such a drag.

It's almost five pm. I could go to sleep now. On the other hand, someone could spend some time with me and I could fake a good mood long enough to start to believe it myself. Actually, no faking is required. Most people who spend time with me raise my spirits from their company alone.

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