Saturday, October 6, 2012

Cold, Rain, and Meltdown

I didn't run today either. It's about 40 degrees out. Also rainy. Also spent eight hours watching someone try to fix my washer, at his demand. He hurt my feelings early on, and I never quite recovered.

I'm obviously still very much a doormat to be stomped on, so if you're looking for someone to emotionally crush, I'm your girl. It's easy to do and I never forget. On the other hand, if you want to be kind to me and make me believe you actually care about me, I just might die of shock.

If I believed you. It's been too long. I've grown tired of waiting for everyone else to get their shit together. They all "need time". I've given twenty two years to the effort. Enough.

I weight and measured myself today, with not-so-encouraging results. My weight is down four pounds from a few days ago, when it really should be up by about ten pounds of bloating this week. Four pounds isn't bad for a week... If I can believe that. If the other ten don't show up suddenly.

My biceps are an inch smaller. That's good. They needed to shrink. My calves are the same size, though toning up. My thighs are an inch bigger, but a lot firmer, which means I'm going to be one of those short women running around with big muscular thighs. I've feared that since I was a little girl, but it hardly matters when nobody is checking out my legs anyway.

My hips are an inch smaller and my ankles, while not measured, are both smaller and differently shaped than before. More... Cut. Well, I've always had nice ankles. I've just never heard of any man being into ankles, so what is the point?

And now it gets cold and wet, and I'm not free to do anything until long after nightfall. *sigh*. I also don't have any cold weather running gear yet, so I have to go an hour away to a real sporting goods store and find some. I worry about inhaling all that cold damp air though. I've already been coughing on the cooler nights and I don't want to end up with pneumonia yet again this year.

Is there a mask or neck gaiter or something I can wear to warm my breath, or do I have to knit myself a ski mask this year? I suppose I'll pick up in what I need as I go, but I'm bound to get sick and suffer from the cold in the meantime.

I had a meltdown today, which started out of someone else's sheer refusal to understand that "everything isn't about you." The gasoline on the fire of my self-immolation was my raging hormones, but I didn't discover that for several hours. If you aren't a woman, you couldn't possibly understand how horrifying it can be. I'm still not over my desire to look for sharp objects tonight.

I'm not crazy, but males can't understand what happens in the bloodstream each month. The closest they ever get is taking steroids, and that psycho-aggressive behavior always ended up hurting me (physically) anyway. Abusive? Doesn't quite do the rage they take out on you true justice. Been there. Had that. Next one gets the Willie Nelson Treatment.

All of this I get to suffer every single month and I still can't have children. And I'm getting pretty darn tired of a world set up for men to get what they want and women to provide it. Forget it. You're never getting maid service out of me.

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