Friday, October 5, 2012

Resignation Thoughts

With the cold damp weather rolling in, my right leg is aching tonight. I couldn't have run outside tonight anyway, first because the high school had a football game scheduled on the track that I use, and then lightning came along to complicate both their game and any hope I had for an outdoor run tonight.

But I'm at the hospital, visiting someone who has really good grounds for a medical malpractice lawsuit. I can't say more than that at this point.

I know that the pain I'm feeling right now is a sign of healing, so I think an extra day of rest will benefit me. Besides, I get annoyed that my mileage on the treadmill is much less than on an outside surface. Those miles are important to me! I managed a 5k the other night. :). Which means... I'm focusing on improving my endurance. Might as well put all my energy into running, rather than *other* physical activities that just end with me getting hurt. Just another game I don't think I want to participate in anymore. Why play when I always lose, even though more than one person participating could be happy with the outcome?

Someone told me a while back "Sometimes you have to LET THEM WIN the game, even if you're a better player, or they won't play with you anymore." We were literally talking about playing a game at the time, but I wonder why nobody ever thought about letting me win occasionally? It seems I always have to beat my head against a brick wall, playing at maximum difficulty, of course.

Obviously, I'm not speaking of an actual game in which there must always be a loser. It's a metaphor for something else I dare not mention.

I've always suspected that it is part of God's plan to make me as hard and unyielding as that brick wall. Sometimes it doesn't seem worthwhile to hold onto any softness inside as I feel parts of me turning to stone.

Today was the last day before a weeklong holiday, so the clientele were insanely hyped up. My time sheet was called into question for the extra hours I work outside of my contract, and I got the impression I was not expected to request pay for the hour extra each week I was asked to spend in previous years, compiling statistical information. Maybe it was a misunderstanding. But I do not want to be the cause of any problems, so I will not finish the job.

I merely needed clarification that that particular service I'd provided before was no longer needed. Just tell me what you want me to do, within reason, and I will do my job as I am paid to do it. I've been expected to cover more than my hired job in some respects lately, and expected to do something that would put my license at risk.

Before it becomes a matter of stress and aggravation for me, I'm seriously considering resigning from that extra work. I didn't get the courtesy of being spoken to face to face when there was a question I could easily clarify; I had to seek it out myself. Seems like I'm just being regarded as a low-level "worker" instead of a professional with a Master's Degree. Surely that wasn't intentional...

So I'm thinking about simplifying the matter. I could use an extra hour of sleep each morning. I could get some things done if I come home at the end of my contracted work day instead of staying an extra (static-filled) hour-and-a-half on multiple days.

I could do some landscaping and improve the value of my property.

I could go back to writing.

I could get the Christmas gifts I want to make completed in time.

I could spend more time with my family.

I could start painting again.

I could catch up on the long-overdue painting needed inside my house.

I could spend more time at the gym, since I currently don't have enough time to do so.

I could even rework my curriculum and find some useful resources for my class.

Just the thought of getting up for work AFTER dawn and not coming home in the dark appeals greatly to me.

So many reasons to quit; and only one I can think of to stay. Unfortunately, the reason for staying is NOT enjoying the extra hours I've been putting in.

You should do what you love, right? I'd love to have my extra hours back for my own use. Maybe I'll just do that. I'm sure they won't have any trouble replacing me. :) Right?

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