Friday, November 30, 2012

Wearing GLOVES? Today?

I ran at the park today after work. It was one of those "Just do it before you think about it and chicken out" runs. I'm glad I did, because the weather was perfect.

I couldn't get anybody to walk wi me, as usual, so I ran to get it over with faster.

There were a few people out, mostly women, walking with near-purpose. Okay, they were merely strolling. I passed them with all the speed of a heavily pregnant yak.

They were wearing gloves. And coats. I mean, it was 63 degrees and not even windy. Yes, I believe one of them was actually wearing earmuffs.


I'm a person who fears catching a chill. I went in my running tights and a short sleeved tee shirt and was very comfortable before I even left my warmup walk behind. Lovely autumn afternoon after a week of temps in the 30s. Because this how December starts where I live -- ridiculously warm temps in the 60s or 70s after weeks of freezing temps.

Nah, I don't get it either, even though I am the noobiest of beginners to running. (How long will I be a beginner? Until I can tackle a 5k without a walk break? Until I can do my runs every other day without pain? Soreness I understand. Pain I do not.)

I knew I would heat up once I started running, but just how much surprised me. Actually, my newfound ability to sweat appropriately has been a useful surprise. I didn't really sweat before, and I stayed hot. Now I sweat and cool down, and find that my hair is entirely sweat-soaked at the end. Well, usually matted, too, but a ride with the windows down and the wind blowing thru my air just feels perfectly satisfying. I'll leave the matting problem to the chick that washes my hair before 7 each morning. She's usually too sleepy to notice the mess.

So... I sweat, stretch, foam roll if I'm sore, and then get so cold I take a nap for a couple of hours when I get home. :D.

I did notice a tiny change in my thighs today when I looked down during a stretch... A tiny bit of definition. Woohoo...! It's going to take a long time, but it is possible.

Apologies to anyone bothered by my grumpiness this week... That was how I hid being dangerously depressed. I was in a lot of pain, but nobody gets that so they call me a bitch and shun me. That's all I'm going to say about it, but after taking a sick day with a sore throat, the black dog finally let go of my throat. And the real reason for the blackness made itself known. Female hormones. And they intensify the stranglehold the older I get. I used to think PMS was bad. I know something worse. Perhaps this explains my mother's behavior. Hmm.

Love This Runner's Shirt!

Basically, it's a little snark for those running behind him in a half marathon to enjoy (or get really pissed off about) and use for motivation. I like his attitude!

He says that he is:

Ahead of you.


I SO need to create my own motivator shirt.. Or maybe a joke that will have people behind me laughing so hard they won't be *able* to pass me... Thus, my racing strategy is born. It would be lovely if I could get technical shirts printed, huh? :)  Maybe I'll worry about that sometime after I've lost some weight, as a reward.  I think it's a bit early to get cocky about running.  Cocky about what?  Exactly. LOL  I'm glad you're coming along with me on this.

I do already have my "Whatever!" Logo shirts on Cafe Press. That is, if they didn't eat my graphic file while my sales have been going nowhere. Lol

Right now I have to find some winter running socks, or my toes will be frostbitten in a few days when the temperature drops again. They were numb Thanksgiving morning for half of the Turkey Trot.  And the soles of my feet went numb right along with my toes.  Fortunately, no numbness today.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Running in the Buff

Soon I'll be running in the Buff. Well, a buff. Wanna see?

No, not what you think. That would be.... Well, horrible.

Why? Because I have an absolute fear of sucking in that cold dry air outside and getting bronchitis. I'm planning to wear it as a balaclava, and with any luck, maybe as a headband when I'm traveling with no curling iron or hair dryer.

So if you see me somewhere looking like a ninja with a sari wrapped around her face, don't worry, I won't mug you. But you could offer me a nice mug of chai, if you wanted to. :) Herbal tranquilizer, as it happens.

Considering that I've been spending time in Azkaban lately, I need something to save me from the Dementors' evil. I need my perception of the world to change drastically. But all I have seen for a long time is how evil, spiteful, and selfish people are. No amount of chocolate will fix things after a brush with them. It's why I don't want to be thought of as the servant who is obligated to do menial jobs for them. I know a lot of people look down on me as some kind of lower class person from them, so I have to help them see their error.

Sorry about that little side trip to the dark side. I'm just tired of people sneering at me.

If you want to see something cool, look at the Buff wearing videos on YouTube. I was impressed. I wanna wear mine like a pirate sometime. Arr!

Bought some cheap "magic" gloves to run in. I doubt they'll really satisfy me, but I always keep them in my coat pockets, and I've been known to give them away when someone needed them. My last spare set, therefore, is gone. Someday I would love to knit some mittens and gloves to give away, but right now I'm occupied by Christmas gifts to make. I can't stand for my hands to be cold, and I hate seeing others with cold hands.

So now that I've spent more money on running, I'm going to have to get my butt back out there. I think my strained arch (all the fluid was likely a reaction to protect the strained muscles) is better. It didn't hurt too badly to walk today, though it still hurts a bit.

It looks like I'm going to hurt everything once or twice before running stops killing me.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Water, water, all day long.

Today I worked really hard to get my 100 ounces of required water in. I burned lots of calories just going back and forth to the bathroom!

MiO today, Crystal Light Margarita tomorrow. I believe someone threw away my drink jug at work. No matter, I've got another recycled one just like that. Lol. I've found that mixed with two quarts of water as directed, the margarita drink tastes a little heavy, so I dilute it 50% with water. I'm going for flavored water anyway, like I do with my fruit juice nowadays. Straight juice just makes me thirstier.

I didn't run today like I had planned to. After work it was dark and about 32 degrees, and I took a three hour nap because I was feeling so tired and depressed.

Another mason jar salad for dinner -- I really like them so far! Next time I think I will double the celery as well, because celery is a diuretic and only has 4 calories per quarter cup anyway. I'm pretty sure I came in under 1400 calories today on food. If not, I was close.

For morning, I prepped my oatmeal tonight, with some white chocolate sugar free coffee syrup for sweetener. :). Found that on a bodybuilding forum. I think it's the only flavor the guy actually loves. Maybe I'll throw in some peanut butter too. I HOPE it will keep me from being so ravenous at lunchtime.

I'm finding it difficult to allot calories for protein with only 1400 to work with. I may have to get going on some more protein smoothies, but those aren't exactly low-cal either.

Looks like I'm going to have to kick my running into high gear... I need to get up at five and do it... But it's so cold out and I'm always too tired, plus it exhausts me for hours and I don't live In a safe neighborhood. I'd rather work out in the evening, but when the day gets me down, all I can do is go to sleep when I get home. I wonder, if I moved to England, could I become a morning person due to the difference in time zones?


By the way, with all those trips to the bathroom today, my urine never became clear. Hmmmm....

Signing off and heading to dreamland. Hopefully tonight I won't be plagued by nightmares all night like I was last night. Hard to really rest when your brain is screaming in frustration and fear all night. But at least I've always known why I have nightmares. Unfortunately, knowing isn't the same as curing. Sometimes you have to hold on tight for the whole crazy ride. Dreamscape had it right except for one thing: being violently killed in your dreams will NOT necessarily kill you in reality. Can't tell you how many times I've been hacked to death or strangled and had to be a sentient corpse in my own dream until the alarm pulled me out.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Don't Give Up

This is more of a reminder to me than for anyone else. Tonight I feel like giving up on a whole lot of things. Okay, everything. I can't exactly say why, but it all seems so hopeless to me. True - sometimes there aren't enough rocks. But sometimes there aren't enough hugs either, especially not when you really need them. That's where I am, and have been for a long time.

Being alone is even harder than it looks.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Mason Jar Salads

Okay, I thought I would give this a try because I have GOT to stop eating the food from the school cafeteria. Today my legs swelled up tighter than a tick (THAT HURT) after eating it, and lately, all I can taste in it is salt.

I need fresh veggies anyway, and I do love a good salad. If I do it right, I can cut my calories for the day and not feel like I'm starving. I hope it works...

Here's what I put together this time, from bottom to top:
Two tablespoons light Asian sesame dressing
1/4 cup carrots
1/4 cup celery
Bean sprouts *
Mushrooms *
Roma tomatoes (firmer, less juice)
Red onion
Mandarin oranges
Baby spinach (1 bag for five salads - didn't seem like enough but there wasn't much to choose from at the store)
2 hard boiled eggs

* Both the sprouts and the mushrooms had sodium I hadn't thought about because they were canned, so I rinsed them well to try to get rid of some.

After I shook up the jar, I realized I needed to dump it out in a bowl. Lol. It tasted a bit unseasoned so I covered my salad in Mrs. Dash, and that perked things up quite a bit. I'm not sure how long that will keep my hunger at bay, and there isn't enough protein in there, but I was so tired after shopping last night that I didn't want to cook up any chicken. I forgot to buy it, anyway.

I didn't have any cheese but I thought that might add to the sodium anyway. (Maybe some Laughing Cow cheese would be nice on the side. )Same with bacon bits. :(. All processed meats and cheeses... Eh, too much sodium. Every glass of water I drink goes straight to my lower legs. I've got my grandmother's problem with edema, and I'm really not old enough for that.

I'd like to have a little veggie variety, but I suppose I'll have to stick to frozen stuff to avoid the sodium in the cans. Corn, English peas... Mmm.

Next time I need to double the amount of oranges, and use fresh mushrooms instead of canned. Bean sprouts too, but there's not much to choose from locally in that respect. Maybe adding some tuna would be tasty.

So... Lower sodium, lower calories, higher potassium, higher protein. Aargh! Looks like I'm a gonna have to start liking beans and invest in a lot of air fresheners. Lol

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Mingling Painfully...

I wish I could apologize to all the people who encounter me in social situations and think I'm aloof. I... Just have a hard time relaxing, even around family. Being social is just one of those things I'm inexperienced at doing. I remember the play I was in as an undergrad -- I auditioned for others but never actually got any part but that one non-speaking part, and that only because I could juggle blind.

Ah well, it was high time I accepted that I was talentless anyway.

The point is, that one play had a party scene in which we were told to "mingle" onstage the same way we did at real parties. Oh, I was scared to death! I haven't been to many parties and I mostly hugged the wall anyway.

I suppose that's why it's called acting. I even pretended that I didn't have a shy person's problem with it. Unfortunately, that "fake it till you make it" ploy has never actually worked on my behalf. :D. I'm still just faking my lack of discomfort among other people.

Friday night I attended a friend's birthday party, and the host kept asking me if I thought they were all drunken retards. Of course I didn't think that. :) Close to drunk, yes, but hey, it was a birthday party, it was for adults, and they were at their own house. I didn't think anything of it.

All I could think of to say, is that I'm just a really uptight person. Lol. It's true. I am. I'm still pretty shy, and being outgoing is hard for me. I tend to stick to the people I know.

Call it a fear leftover from childhood, if you want.

I got to finally meet someone after a year, and for all I know, I made a bad first impression. (Which would probably make it my only chance to make an impression. Lol Oh well, story of my life, naturally.)

Sometimes I tend to be quiet, but I often want to sink into the wallpaper until someone wants to talk to me. I don't mind talking, but sometimes, I'm too nervous to strike up a conversation on my own. Too many times I've gotten talked over and ignored anyway, and there's no point in finishing my sentence when nobody's listening, am I right?

I just hope I didn't offend anybody with my quietness. It's really difficult for me to fit in anywhere. I just don't belong. I've never been anywhere that I didn't feel horribly out of place.

And on that note, I'm going to sleep a few hours early tonight. My run today, though it sucked royally, has made me dog-tired.

The Tennis Ball is Not Enough

Cue the Bond theme music.

After giving my right arch some merciless rolling on a small, hard metal air freshener can yesterday and last night, the pain on walking is receding. Yay!

This tells me that my tennis ball is not hard enough to provide adequate pressure for whatever little arch problem has plagued me for the last four days. I don't think it was plantar fasciitis, because I could feel a pocket of fluid squishing around in there when I released the pressure.

I have to laugh about recommendations I've seen for using a ping pong ball... Really? If I can press a tennis ball nearly flat, wouldn't I just crush a ping pong ball? Nahh.... I think I need a golf ball instead. Lol

Perhaps that won't arouse Quincy's obsessive possessiveness like the mere scent of fresh tennis balls would. He's a simple dog, as long as you understand one thing: all tennis balls shall be his, even the one you hide in your suitcase for portable spinal spasm relief.

I used to wake up nearly screaming when that happened, and would lie down with a marble apple paperweight pressed into the trouble spot, falling back to sleep a while after I had forced that muscle spasm back into flatness. Yeah, it was like sleeping with a rock under my back, but it really helped. These days I use a percussion massager to beat my back numb. Yes, numb. Numb is better than pain. :)

Though I have to say that physical therapy is better than drugs. That's a misunderstanding that doctors have always had about me. Maybe it's due to the local pill head mentality. They go in, complain of owwies, then hold their hand out eagerly anticipating that prescription. I go in after I've been sick or in pain for a very long time already, my doctor claims to run tests, then claims all test results are clear of everything. Then he hints that I'm a hypochondriac who wants drugs.

No, that is NOT me. Tell me what I can do physically to fix the problem, even if it hurts. My neurologist offered me pain pills that would make me gain weight, or I could just be in pain. I opted to keep hurting. I wonder why there is nothing physically that can be done for my trapped femoral nerve.

I suspect a lot of these older doctors are not continuing their educations , but won't retire because it is just so easy to keep raking in the fees on office visits they don't really work at. It might explain why I'm lying here with my legs elevated (like my grandmother), trying to physically drain the ever-present edema from my lower legs, though I know I could go get some diuretic pills if I went shopping...

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Outside arch pain

I almost think that I should retitle my blog "So What's Hurting Today?" if I'm going to keep blogging about my newbie running experiences.  What I'm finding out is that pain from strange places is the bane of the beginner runner's existence.  As for me, I believe I'm going to injure every part of my body at least once before my body allows me to settle comfortably into a routine of running.

I'm going to be physically punished every single day for at least a full year, even if I do things right.  Even though I've been properly fitted for running shoes, so please don't lecture me about how I should do that, when I just did it two months ago. :) My shoes are great, for the first time, although my toes get cold due to that mesh toe box topper.

Please don't make me go teacher on you and tell you to go back and read for details you missed. LOL ;)

So here's the post-mortem for the Turkey Trot (listed as a 5k, but it was actually 5.6k) I did on Thursday.  Many things made me unhappy.

I was able to walk it with a friend.  I can't tell you what a welcome relief it was to NOT be absolutely lonely for that distance.

Understand that we told them we were walking the entire course, and we informed the organizers of that before we started, so I was pretty unhappy as we were coming up the last half mile stretch and heard.... they were already going through the winners and handing out awards.  I believe they only recognized 1st place male and female, and didn't bother with either age groups or with giving anybody an official time. (Our time was right at 57 minutes.)  Yes, we could hear them laughing about the fact that people were still coming in and deciding maybe they should stop until we all came in. (Over the loudspeaker they were using - we heard it all.)

There were no water stops along the distance.  Just a single bottle of water available at the finish.  I know that it was their first time running a race and that it was a fundraiser, but the organizers have been in races themselves.  It made me feel like it was literally all about the money, and to hell with the slow people.  And yes, of course, the safety truck passed me again. I didn't care about running.  I was just helping them with their fundraiser and enjoying having a friend to walk with.

About halfway through, my right big toe decided to reassert that I DID break its metatarsal three weeks ago, and set to aching.  Then all of my toes started going numb on the bottom, presumably from the impact of my toes hitting the ground with each step.  (Both feet, BTW) They'd been cold earlier, because it was 45 degrees and as I said, they are mesh-topped, but this was different.  This is the numbness that overtakes the toes and the soles of my feet even on the elliptical trainer at the gym.

No, my shoes were not laced too tight.  It doesn't matter how tight or loose my shoes are, because my toes / feet still go numb.  Maybe it's my weight.  Maybe it's a diabetic complication.  Maybe it happens to everybody else and they just aren't saying so.

I did my best to keep planting my right foot properly as I walked, not wanting a compensation injury for walking funny. LOL  Still, walking to the finish line I realized that the outside bottom of the arch on my right foot was aching.  That got progressively worse as the day went on, until I was tearing up from the pain of simply walking.  I've tried massaging with my hands and with a tennis ball, changed shoes three times, and nothing is helping.  When I take my weight off my foot, it feels like a balloon has squeezed a bunch of liquid into that part of my foot.  I have no idea how I could have hurt myself just by freaking WALKING.  Just sitting here barefoot with my foot flat on the floor hurts, to be honest.

The only description I've seen that even comes close is bursitis, except that there are no bursa at all in the place where I'm hurting.  Oh, I also wound up with a blister on the inside of my heel, same foot, wearing special running socks that never caused me a problem before.

With all the painful discouragement I'm getting from running, the elliptical trainer, and just from walking, I'm beginning to believe that I'm supposed to just die this way, without ever being able to move around again.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Renaming Migraines "Voldemort"

Holy cow... All the stuff I have to do this week:

Massage (ok, looking forward to that, actually)
My sister's birthday
Harvest & shell pecans for pies
Thanksgiving shopping and cooking
Turkey Trot race on Thanksgiving morning
My brother's birthday
My friend's birthday
Turkey Trot race Saturday morning, if fear doesn't kill me first.

And I'm expected by the retailers of the world to go shopping on Friday?

Dang. I don't think so. I got a headache yesterday, after laughing with a colleague that because I had said the word "migraine" that I would now get one.

It's true, it always happens. The word migraine is a migraine trigger for me.

24 hours, four Tylenol, and two cups of coffee later, and it is only getting WORSE.

I may have to go and buy myself a Pepsi. It might not kill the migraine, but it would please me, anyway. Sometimes a Pepsi has actually alleviated a migraine for me. Maybe it's the sugar with the caffeine that does the trick. (Ha ha ha, so now you know I don't keep soda in the house. I keep skim milk, MiO, and juice that I water down halfway in my glass, because of the calories.)

I must not say the word. It's like saying Voldemort's name - everyone was afraid to say his name because it might summon him if they did, so they said "He Who Must Not Be Named" and "You Know Who".

So... I hereby rename my migraines to Voldemort. I fear them so much more than He Who Must Not Be Named, anyway.

So if I say that I'm glad I haven't had a Voldemort in a while, you'll know what I'm talking about, won't you? I don't mean I haven't fooled around with the Dark Lord for some time (yuck). I just don't want to invoke a You Know What.

Treadmill & Trepidation

I keep having to deal with shin splints. Whether the post-run soreness grows from the backs of my calves, or the insides of my shins, it always goes on to develop into aching shin bones. So far, this round of C25K has progressed into week six almost successfully, before the soreness and pain became (for me) debilitating. I've been doing all sorts of stretching and strengthening exercises and not getting better running results. It doesn't lessen the days of DOMS either, and I know that's muscle repair time.

I know myself ; if I have to stop working on this for a while, I'll quit altogether. Daily (or alternating days) progress is what keeps me trying. But then the pain knocks me down again.

I get very depressed when I can't keep going with my running. I've had to drop down to one day a week of trying to run, because of recovery time. Yah, I know I'm heavy for high-volume running, but I haven't consistently been able to run 5k anyway, and I haven't pushed myself to try except for that last race I was in.

I came in last, for several reasons. 1. I wasn't at their level of fitness, and most were simply faster than me. (I didn't see any overweight runners participating, to be honest) 2. I started out way too fast, just to keep up with the crowd. Wore myself out early. 3. The truck passed me before I got halfway and stayed ahead of me the rest of the race -- the truck that brings up the rear. Total mental defeat for me. 4. I was wishing anybody in my family had come to cheer me on, and I knew they wouldn't. The race was a two minute drive from everyone in my family, but ...

So, outclassed, overexerted, and defeated, I came in last but managed my best 1 k, 1 mile, and 5 k finish times despite all that. I finished my best yet, just worse than everyone else. Less than 200 participants, I believe.

I'm still fighting that defeated feeling, and it was a month ago.

I'm running to lose weight, because I've tried lots of approaches (with doctor guidance) and only strenuous cardio kicks my metabolism into fat burning mode. When I started C25k, I managed to drop a couple of pounds a week. Then shin splints hit and I had trouble walking. *sigh*. I took a month off to heal and started over. Got to week six eight weeks later and here I go again.

Elliptical... YES, I got back on the elliptical, and the next day I had... Wait for it... Shin splints. Oh, and numb feet. Lol. Both of my shoes were laced loosely.

My running on this attempt had been on a rubber track outside for the cushion factor. Maybe that why I got all the way to six weeks before I had to stop. I was enjoying the great outdoors, even in the cold and wind.

So... Should I even attempt to do my extremely slow running on the treadmill, for short total distances, and see if my shin splints are still a huge problem doing that? And then slowly add tiny bits of distance

I feel as if I'm heading for a wheelchair, instead of weight loss. Could it be that the time-based C25k program I'm using isn't right for me? I did get up to running ten minutes with a three minute walk break but by then my shins are starting t o really hurt. True, the calf muscles feel the impact and have the predictable response of tightening right after I run until i stretch them out, but nothing that feels wrong. Just that I challenged them and they met the challenge.

I love running when it goes well, and I'd like to keep it up at least every other day (for the rest of my life) but I feel like I've tripped over my own feet right out of the starting gate, since May when I really put my effort into my pathetic beginner's training. And I'll admit that I've been dreaming of being able to run a marathon... In a few years, of course.

Right now I'd just like to master a 5k.

I have diet/exercise controlled type 2 Diabetes, which never really gives me a problem than the occasional hypoglycemia bout, and great medical test results on everything, including my heart and lungs. Goes without saying I've never been a smoker, but I know there are a few smoker runners out there. I'm just not one. It makes me a bit jealous when I see people with more than 40 pounds to lose doing so much better than me on their running. *sigh*

I'm signed up for a 3.5 mile Turkey Trot Thanksgiving morning, which I'm going to absolutely WALK, though that hurts while I'm doing it (outsides of calves).

I do not know if I should also sign up for year two of the Turkey Trot I did last year - my first 5 k ever. It's on Saturday. Hey, I could start a streak... Or I could come in last again and increase my mental defeat.

For those who swear I will be able to run a marathon in March? Are you freaking kidding me? You will be carrying me across the finish line... I can't lie and say "I'm not fat, I'm big-boned." I might pass as "medium-boned" but I am certainly overweight and my little leg bones are stressed. I already know I won't make it 26.2 miles under my own steam. Not yet. Maybe in a few years, after three miles stops threatening to rip the muscles away from my shinbones, eh?

I think I'll stick with a less extreme progression: 5k, 10k, half-marathon, marathon, attempt to skip the crutches and physical therapy. How's that?

Saturday, November 17, 2012

The Boo Berry Incident

I've just made a banana-berry high protein smoothie for myself, and I'm going to force myself to drink it throughout the day. Why? Well, I need the calcium. I also need the protein to repair whatever is wrong with my muscles. (60 grams in this mixture.) Nearly a week after running, my leg is still aching down in the bone, or near the surface, or whatever. I don't know. I'll have to see a doctor to find out. So I'm researching that currently.

Berry mix for antioxidants and banana for potassium. Something has to help.

My collarbone hurts... Well, my entire shoulder hurts along with it, front and back, and I've done nothing more than sleep on it. It happens every year at this time and I think it is just a result of having broken it when I was two, and the fact that aging causes pain wherever there has been an injury before. My foot still hurts. I'm very sure I broke that toe, but it should be about half healed by now, so there's nothing to be done for it anyway. meh. There was nothing to be done for it in the first place, I already knew.

I'm not enjoying this smoothie... It's too sugary tasting, even with the unsweetened frozen fruit.

Then, of course, there are the blueberries.

Oh good Lord, I have an issue with blueberries! They kinda freak me out. I thought I could hide the taste with the other fruit, but they are all I can taste. (And that bag of frozen fruit was too expensive to just throw out, mmmkay?). Raspberries, an entire banana, and EXTRA strawberries. Guess which flavor overpowers the rest. Uh huh.

Dilemma: add fruit juice or ice to dilute the drink, and have much more drink to suffer thru the blueberry taste, OR leave it thick and have less to get down.

I tasted the blueberries the first time and immediately wondered about the feasibility of a vegetable smoothie. Tomatoes, spinach, cucumbers... Actually, I think that would be gazpacho. Not an altogether unwelcome thought en este momento.

Ah, did I mention that I used mi Español flying to Italy? We were on Iberia Air, and I hated it. Rude flight attendants who talked far too fast for me to effectively translate and an old overheated plane. I don't think I hate Delta anymore. They were good to me on the way back home this time. However, having taken Spanish in school helped tremendously with Italian. 😁

So what's my issue with blueberries? When I was in kindergarten, my dad dropped us off at the home of a classmate each morning. He had to be at work by 7 am, school didn't start until 8, and Scottie and Kim's house was just a few houses away from our school. Their mom walked us over close to bell time. I remember I had finally convinced Daddy to buy us some Boo Berry cereal for breakfast. It took a lot of begging. I really think that I wanted to eat the cereal because it was blue. I remember that my sister wanted Franken Berry instead. How did I win that argument? No idea! I don't think I ever won again.

I don't blame General Mills. I don't blame blueberries. I don't blame Boo Berry, though I shudder when I see it. I think it was just a stomach virus. Dad said he would never buy that damn cereal again. Haha. (I didn't want to see it again, after that morning. He may have been angry about my wasting an entire box of cereal.)

I had a fever that morning. I remember being in the bathroom at the Lewis' house and vomiting all over myself. I'll just sum things up by saying you don't even want to think about what regurgitated Boo Berry looks like. It scarred me for life. I'm especially sorry about the mess I made of Mrs. Lewis' bathroom. I don't know if I was taken on to school at that point. That may have been the same morning I barfed in my kindergarten class. I don't know if I trashed the carpet, but I remember Mrs. Davenport trying to rush me over to the sink to throw up in there. At that time, I remember clearly thinking it was wrong to tell me to get sick in the sink, because you're supposed to do that over the toilet. Obviously, I didn't get it. Lol

But blueberries make me relive that morning, and I have a "thing" about eating them. So this smoothie? I must be a glutton for punishment. Choking them on down the hatch....

(Screen shot from the General Mills website)

Friday, November 16, 2012

I May Already Be Dead

I may already be dead,
and it wouldn't even matter.

I've been getting a "Sixth Sense" feeling lately with everything that has gone wrong. Some of the simplest things just do not work. It feels like there is a room I need to go into, but the doorknob won't turn for me.

You ever get that feeling? Like you aren't interacting physically with the world that is around you? It would explain a lot...

Door handles that break, a beloved pet who is suddenly having one health problem after another, nothing I do having proper effect on my own body, equipment and appliances falling apart without warning, muscular problems that simply will not heal, hair that has apparently decided not to bother turning silver completely but to start turning white now instead, online postings that vanish moments later, dehydration I can't make a dent in, though my constant edema tells a different tale...

Nothing works. If it does, I manage to break it with the slightest touch.

It wouldn't surprise me if I died in a horrific car crash tomorrow, but my inability to actually be present in the world makes me suspect I'm not really here anyway. Maybe it's Purgatory of some sort and I really am invisible, lacking a changeable corporeal form any longer. It would explain a lot of things about my body. I wonder if I could even make a lasting mark on it if I tried.

I've been clearing out my Facebook friends list lately anyway, deleting people who never condescend to speak to me in person though they see me daily, along with people who only have Facebook to flood my page with copious pictures of their kids and grand kids that they constantly brag on. Sorry, but it's like rubbing salt in the wound.

It feels like I'm just counting out the rest of my days, and it doesn't seem worthwhile to keep them going. Get busy living, or.... You know the rest.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Workout Journal 11/13/12

35 minutes elliptical (350 calories)
Short break for water
25 minutes elliptical (250 calories)
~600 calories

My left ankle/shin muscle hurt when I was finished and both feet went numb during both workout segments. Walking after was ridiculously slow because I surpassed my energy limit. Drank correct amount of water... Gained 7 pounds in a week according to gym scale. (But my clothes are still loose.) I hope that thing needs calibration. My thighs suddenly didn't look smooth and firm... They looked like they were swollen with cottage cheese. I'm pretty angry about that. Wore my running tights to the gym because I was embarrassed by my legs and it was freezing out. Sweated so much my hair was drenched when I left and my hair was completely matted together as a result. Had a sudden craving for cucumbers and hummus. Made a berry protein smoothie instead. I still want to eat raw crunchy vegetables, which is bizarre for me. So tired when I went home I went to bed two hours earlier than usual. Dog woke me at 4 am. Still exhausted at 6:30 am and really wanted to call in sick. Didn't work out tonight (Wednesday). I figure that I might need to work up to a full hour of heavy cardio every single day. The elliptical was more doable and less painful than running, but I still want to be able to run at least every other day, for long distances... Someday... But I'm just too heavy. I hate looking in the mirror. * a full 10-12 pounds of this weight lives in my bra if I'm NOT retaining fluid. Then... It's worse. It's enough to make me go back to my plastic surgeon and tell him to take me down to an A cup this time. YOU try being active with freakishly large breasts.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Welcome to Your Hamster Wheel

I ran two days ago, and yesterday, walking was near-torture. This time the pain wasn't shin splints -- normally I have pretty nasty deep, stabbing aches along the fronts of my tibia. No, this time I'm feeling stressed muscles in my calves and on the insides if my legs at the bottoms of my calves presumably where the muscle attached to the bones.

I haven't ruled out the possibility of stress fractures, and I promise I will go for x rays if the pain becomes more than a nagging ache. That is, if it starts waking me up from a deep sleep thinking someone has just stabbed my shinbone with a serrated knife, I'll crawl for help.

I'm trying to gather intelligence from people who have been in my situation before, with this kind of pain, fitness level, and stubborn desire to run without complications. Dreading to hear, as I've read, that it will take a solid year for my musculoskeletal system to strengthen enough for me to run enough to lose weight by running. :)

I still contend that I'm trapped in a major catch 22. I have learned (by trial) that the only physical considerations that make ME lose weight are long and strenuous bouts of cardio exercise. That's right, I have to breathe hard and sweat like crazy for at least forty minutes a day in order to see any results. Cutting calories doesn't work because I'm already consuming fewer calories than it takes to maintain my weight without triggering hypoglycemia.

Only intense sweating and exertion will do any good.

Have I mentioned how much I hate sweating? It makes even my face sting and burn. Maybe I'm just perpetually dehydrated and my sweat is extra salty, but it's unpleasant. But that's just a minor whine.

I can't run long enough or often enough now to see any results, because the pain shows up too quickly and lasts too long. I manage a little over two miles and then I'm unable to do anything unless I take two or three rest days before my next shot. Even if I burn 300 calories, I can only manage it twice in one week without injury last weeks. 600 or even 900 calories (being extremely generous with a good week there! LOL) in one week... Will take approximately four weeks to work off ONE pound.

A pound a month is not worth the effort when you have forty to lose.

I can't wait four years.

So I suppose I need to figure out some cardio program for myself that will consume at least 3500 calories a week without compromising progress on my running training.

You'll just have to forgive my being tired and cranky all of the time for the next year, if my prospective efforts pay off with no setbacks in the meantime.

600 calories worked off a day for six days a week ... How do I do that without eating more to keep me going?

There's the dilemma.

I feel like a hamster on a wheel.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Corduroy Shorts. Hahaha!

I ran last night, after having walked a mile outside at work. The walk tired me as much as any run of the same length would have -- see why I'd rather run? It ends faster and burns more calories, plus, it reshapes my legs. Walking won't do that like running will.

Ah, there's the vanity concern. ;). Yes, I like seeing muscular definition in my legs. I like seeing muscular definition in men's legs too, but I don't know any that are interested in getting their legs to that point or giving me a show. Well, there's always TV for my eye candy, I suppose.

So last night I ran at the park. I'd already logged that walking mile, and added to my running time (well, sorta) it got me over my 3.25 mile goal. Yay.

I just had one tiny problem...

I couldn't run the full ten minutes.
I was disappointed.

Normally I'm on a flat rubber track. The park path is almost never flat and there are hills. Ok, first challenge. I ran as long as I could, then I'd walk and run again. It was progress, just not bragging rights. (As if my 5k training IS something to brag about.)

I had lunch at 10:30 in the morning. That's my lunchtime. Good luck finding a full balanced meal's worth of food in the cafeteria at that time. Lunch isn't being served for the rest of the school yet, so expecting it to be waiting for me is foolish. (I've got to start bringing my lunch... I can't justify paying that price for what is available to me.) At the time I ran, I hadn't had any food for six hours.

I'm diabetic... Hypoglycemia is always on my mind, and sometimes the demon that possesses my entire being. If I seem like a frightened psychotic chick, offer me a snack. Seriously. Rabbity = hypoglycemic. Bonus points if you figure it out because I'm stuttering. Lol. I've had good results for the whole time I've been running and exercising, but it does sometimes sneak up on me.

Challenge 2: no fuel. I wasn't thinking and didn't take any Gu with me either. Or water. And I almost went without my running bra. Honestly, I don't know where my head was when I left the house. Maybe I was already heading into a mild hypoglycemic state from lack of food. It's funny how that can happen without a single hunger pang.

Challenge 3: Halfway into my run, I started feeling pain in my glute, where I hurt it several weeks ago. (Its just too tight and crampy feeling.). Right between the top of my thigh and my bottom, where something is attached to my pelvis. I can't target the darn place with a foam roller, but I can with a tennis ball if I can sit on a hard floor.

I tried to keep running, but I noticed I was adjusting my gait to favor the muscle, and I've learned that when you do THAT, it strains something else that has to overcompensate for your stupid, crybaby self-adjustment. Such as? The hip flexor on the front. Yeah. I've made that connection.

Getting old sucks. Fighting the breakdown sucks worse. Fighting the aging breakdown as you try to get back into shape? Incomprehensible suckage, like the Titanic's sinking whirlpool.

I tried not to limp as I finished my mileage, I really did. But a lot of things were weighing on my mind, such as the woman who was behind me the whole time and never seemed to lose any ground despite the fact I was running and I never saw her do more than walk.

A student called out to me as I ran by, which made me realize I wasn't invisible, and that embarrassed me. It started getting dark and I wasn't sure how well lit the path would be, though the lights did make the autumn colored maple leaves look like the trees were dressed for a party. Plus, I was hungry.

I finished, and went right to our busy little Wal-Mart on Friday night at prime time. In my shiny black tights, sweating with a pink glowing face. Wow, did I look healthy. Lol. Supper, expensive food for my dog, and collapse at home.

I had interestingly epic colorful dreams. Yellow was abundant.

So today my hips are sore (the rest of me is suspiciously NOT excruciatingly sore) and I decided to put on my compression gear. Zensah shin sleeves and high compression shorts, recommended online for injured hip flexors and quad strains. I have a semi-permanently numb quad, maybe that will help?

Customer support at Zensah assured me that their L /XL will fit me, though because I wear a size 14 in pants (oh, the horror of a woman who could squeeze into a 12 but doesn't, for propriety's sake!), I'm "at the top limit of their size range". Hmm. I guess this means if you are any bigger than me, you can't buy recovery gear. (Hey, I DO wear a small in their shin sleeves though!)

You know that sound you get when you wear corduroy pants and take a few steps? That distinctive rrrriiiiiippppping sound? It's what I hear with every step in these shorts. Lol Riprip. Riprip. Ha ha ha.

If I run in them, will that start a fire? :). At least I've found the answer to my bunching shorts problem!

Alas, my tummy being a bit pudgy, the shorts aren't really supporting the front of my hip. :(. On the other hand, as with the shin sleeves, I really can feel a massaging sensation under the fabric, as the compression stimulates circulation and fluid removal.

I think they give a lovely Spanx effect to my shaping, in any case, except for the thigh band. Getting them on is an adventure, bringing to mind unpleasant flashbacks to childhood turtlenecks that induced claustrophobia.

Just... If you see me in these or my tights, and my shirt isn't hanging low enough to hide the details, don't look. :). We'll both be scarred for life.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

How to Fail the Chocolate Test :)

I once asked a fellow to bring me a box of chocolates as a gift. Of course, it was a rather simple test of his esteem for me. He, who claimed to care so much about me (I knew better, of course) and to know me so well, failed the test.

It was really little more than an effort grade -- if he really put a serious effort into it, he'd get the points he needed to avoid being removed from my life. Kicked out of class permanently, as it were.

But he's a user. It was always about him and what he wanted, at his convenience. I wanted to see if the con he was trying to run on me about having changed and really caring about me was for real, though I suspected it was just a con game.

Call me cynical, but I used to be a believer -- that starry-eyed variety of optimist that believed all the usual fairy tales. You know the main ones: "If you're good to other people just because you should be, you will be treated well in return." "God protects good little children from harm." Yeah, I was burned by both of those, repeatedly.

I believe in karma's dark side, because I've seen it come around. I've yet to see any return on the good things, but I don't let that deter me from trying to be good to others, because I want to be able to sleep at night.

Understand that the road he was to travel was filled with thousands of stores, any of which could have yielded a decent cheap box of chocolate.

He said he would "see what he could do", as if the requested item was a rare thing to find. Then he asked if it had to be a box. I asked him if he was planning to hit a hotel vending machine. I was concerned he would show up with a bottle of cheap chocolate syrup.

Honestly, I was expecting a 99 cent box of the cheapest and nastiest chocolate covered cherries he could find. They are something of a tired joke in my family. My mother loved them, so she gave all of her kids a box for Christmas, and none of us ever really loved them. But we never told her that giving us her own favorite kind of cheap candy just didn't thrill us. You just smile and act like they're a treat.

He asked if I like chocolate covered pretzels. (Because they're HIS favorite, as it happens.). I told him I wanted chocolate, not pretzels. Then he said he might stop by a chocolate shop on the road and get me something there. You know, those cheesy places they have in every mall.

Well, he did. Lol

A tiny white bag with four pieces of candy in it. Two chocolate covered nut patties, one of which he had broken a chunk from and eaten himself. Two cream-center cherry flavored candies -- you know, the ones in a mixed box NOBODY wants to eat. One was half eaten, with tooth marks through the middle.

Ooh, how romantic!

Not really. Lol

Not being a truly materialistic person and never having been given a gift by this guy in the years I've known him, I think he could have done better.

I'm laughing. I knew he wouldn't try to impress me with this request. I was surprised he brought anything. That's the heart of a woman schooled by decades of disappointment. Cynical by experience.

His treatment of me always showed he thought me beneath such considerations as gifts or even birthday cards -- this was the first thing he ever gave me. This was not a man in a financial bind, either.

And he demanded to know what would be his reward for such a grand gesture... To his thinking, I owed him big time for a few half-eaten pieces of candy.

Really? Seriously? Is there a hidden camera filming me?

I didn't really expect him to eat a third of the gift I'd asked him to bring me.

But he did. :) Classy. Lol

Epic fail on the chocolate test.

Please go on and laugh. You have my absolute permission! This IS funny in a twisted way. It also illustrates my family's favorite saying about me regarding dating :

"You sure can pick 'em."

And they don't mean I can pick winners, either.

(My favorite fragrances at Bath and Body Works get discontinued fast. I've got the kiss of death instead of the Midas Touch. )

In case you're wondering about my chocolate preferences, I don't like nuts or cough syrup flavored cream interfering in my chocolate adoration. Pure unadulterated chocolate is what I like, and people know that about me.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

I R Not A Polar Bear

Hauled my butt over to the track today to pick up my training. Today it was 5 warmup walk, 8 running, 5 walk, 8 running, 5 cool down walk. It went pretty well, but I really had to play some Jedi mind games to do the running segments without ever slowing to a walk to catch my breath.

I'm glad I did it. I haven't actually lost any ground by taking two injury-healing weeks off after the last race like I imagined I would. I did just fine and was very happy there wasn't a third running segment coming. I'm coughing like crazy, though, with my lungs producing a lot of mucus. Yuck. I don't know how to get past that, much as I would like to.

The weather was great for running today. No wind, about 55 degrees, golden autumn sunlight. Just warm enough that my tights were the perfect choice with a t-shirt.

When I got out of my car back at home, my hip seized up again, so I decided to brave my first-ever ice bath.

It was cold. Breath-stealing, gasping at my own craziness cold. Still, it was the best and fastest way to get my legs and hips iced from the waist down. I only have two large ice packs and I can't put them on both hips simultaneously. So... Waist down, all at once.

It wasn't too bad after a few seconds. I didn't exactly go numb, but I'm pretty sure I saw blue toes. Over an hour later, and my skin is still cold to the touch. Lol In any case, after my skin had been in the ice water for a minute, it felt no different than swimming around in a cold swimming pool too early in the season.

Why I know what that feels like, I'm not exactly sure, but it wasn't THAT bad, and my hip eased up when I got out and started warming up. :).

Supposedly, ice baths kick-start the healing process in the microscopic muscle tears that are the hallmark of strengthening. I hope it works... I'd hate to think I gave myself an icy bootie for no reason. :D

I was definitely thinking of Eddie Izzard on that one. If he can take it, so can I.

The Scourge of Athlete's Paw

Last Sunday night I noticed my dog was conspicuously in the floor beside my bed. He wouldn't come up on the bed no matter how much I called him, and he was whimpering a little bit.

A late night trip outside showed that he was limping. His little black toe pads turned out to be so swollen that there was a lot of puffy pinkness surrounding the black parts. No wonder he was limping and crying.

I thought there might be something between his toes making them sore, so I soaked his paws in warm water hoping to wash it away. No relief there.

The next morning his toes were just as swollen, and I decided to take him to the vet when I got home from work. His toes on two feet were cracked and bleeding by the time I picked him up at home. :(. Two feet. I was worried he had cut his feet on broken glass Thursday night walking around at the tornado memorial.

The vet that examined him said that he had a bad case of athlete's foot - doggie athlete's foot. Humans get it from a fungus, but for dogs it comes from a yeast naturally found in their rectum, among other places. (My research - the vet didn't tell me this.).

Did YOU know dogs get athlete's foot? I certainly didn't. I'm guessing the poor fella licked his rear then chewed his foot, and that was all that was needed to create an 8 pound disaster.

THAT was the yeasty smell the other vet had noticed two weeks before when I was having his flea allergy treated. I wish she had looked at his paws then -- it would have saved him two weeks of suffering.

Once upon a time I had a boyfriend with such a nasty case of athlete's foot that his feet cracked open and bled, and the skin came off in sheets. He said he was too broke to go to the doctor, so he tried a home remedy of gentian violet. He said it was helping, but we broke up before his feet were healed.

Oh, his feet were his own fault. He wore the same swampy sweaty shoes to work in every single day and wouldn't buy new ones. He had the money to see a doctor; the real reason he wouldn't go is that it would make it easy for his baby's mother (I had no idea) to catch up with him.

So the vet gave my baby ten days of Prednisone to help his paws heal, and a spray bottle of ChlorHex to treat the infection directly. We both hate the nasty stuff. It causes me sneezing fits, and he tries to hide and fights me on getting his paws sprayed.

But it seems to be working so we will keep using it. His paws aren't swollen top and bottom anymore and the pads are beginning to go back to normal. They still look slightly crusty. Ew.

And as for my own paw? I'm positive I broke my toe now. Though I can bend my toe carefully downward, it still hurts a bit. However, putting any pressure on top of that toe is near-excruciating. But what can you do for a broken metatarsal?

Uh, nothing. Just don't press on it where you broke it. And ensure that stoneware won't fall onto it next time.

Friday, November 2, 2012

ISO Jedi Running Tricks for SWF

Yesterday I was able to put my running shoes on without tearing up, though I know my toe isn't completely healed yet. It hurts to point it downward, still. My hips still hurt, but they actually hurt every day, and have for a few years now. But the strained (my unprofessional term) hip flexor seems better.

In other words, I'm no longer struggling to move my right leg because of the pain, and I'm not currently having a weak response to just trying to propel it forward. First it hurt, and then it was like my leg was dead. (Same leg with the femoral nerve problems, not sure if the hip and thigh problems are connected.)

Once again, fear has risen up in my face to bully me into staying home.

It's been a full two weeks since I could walk right and I really need to get back to my stunted training program. I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt myself again. I'm afraid I will have lost what ground I gained in the previous five weeks and I'll be back at absolute zero once again. I'm afraid I'm gaining weight at an accelerated pace despite a controlled diet. I'm afraid I will keep reinforcing mistakes and they will become a painful habit.

I wish I didn't have to do this alone. Let nobody fool you: it's not always as simple as "Put on your shoes and just run!" I know that some runners relish the solitude, but when you already have your fill of it, it's the last thing you want or need. It's a lonely thing to tackle with no company or advice, and there are all sorts of reasons to give up.

I've been reading a book on mind tricks to keep runners motivated when things become difficult. Hopefully, I'll find something useful... Soon.