Sunday, November 25, 2012

Mingling Painfully...

I wish I could apologize to all the people who encounter me in social situations and think I'm aloof. I... Just have a hard time relaxing, even around family. Being social is just one of those things I'm inexperienced at doing. I remember the play I was in as an undergrad -- I auditioned for others but never actually got any part but that one non-speaking part, and that only because I could juggle blind.

Ah well, it was high time I accepted that I was talentless anyway.

The point is, that one play had a party scene in which we were told to "mingle" onstage the same way we did at real parties. Oh, I was scared to death! I haven't been to many parties and I mostly hugged the wall anyway.

I suppose that's why it's called acting. I even pretended that I didn't have a shy person's problem with it. Unfortunately, that "fake it till you make it" ploy has never actually worked on my behalf. :D. I'm still just faking my lack of discomfort among other people.

Friday night I attended a friend's birthday party, and the host kept asking me if I thought they were all drunken retards. Of course I didn't think that. :) Close to drunk, yes, but hey, it was a birthday party, it was for adults, and they were at their own house. I didn't think anything of it.

All I could think of to say, is that I'm just a really uptight person. Lol. It's true. I am. I'm still pretty shy, and being outgoing is hard for me. I tend to stick to the people I know.

Call it a fear leftover from childhood, if you want.

I got to finally meet someone after a year, and for all I know, I made a bad first impression. (Which would probably make it my only chance to make an impression. Lol Oh well, story of my life, naturally.)

Sometimes I tend to be quiet, but I often want to sink into the wallpaper until someone wants to talk to me. I don't mind talking, but sometimes, I'm too nervous to strike up a conversation on my own. Too many times I've gotten talked over and ignored anyway, and there's no point in finishing my sentence when nobody's listening, am I right?

I just hope I didn't offend anybody with my quietness. It's really difficult for me to fit in anywhere. I just don't belong. I've never been anywhere that I didn't feel horribly out of place.

And on that note, I'm going to sleep a few hours early tonight. My run today, though it sucked royally, has made me dog-tired.

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