Sunday, December 30, 2012

Give It Up

Not that I intend for this to be a sad post, but I'm still migraining, despite the hydrocodone, and starving! Had a protein bar and leftover red beans and rice, and still my tummy is grumbling. The bright spot is my doggy curled warmly against my ribs. :) <3

I did actually notice a change in my reflection the other day. Might have been my clothes, but my profile looked a little thinner.

Yes, I have been staying away from scales. They don't ever make me happy anyway.

Sometimes you have to give things up. I don't have to give up anything like smoking or drinking, but I need to give up on some unhealthy relationships and potentials.

You can give somebody time to see you, value you, show an interest in you, and even treat you decently after years of having it easy and treating you like garbage, and all it does is kill your spirit when they don't ever man up. They're too involved with themselves to make room for you in their lives. They always have excuses for their coldheartedness. For why they fall short of the mark.

So, time's up. You know who you are. Take a stand or walk away. Your coach is about to turn into a pumpkin.

As for me? Don't worry, I can fill my time. And I can live without pumpkins. One thing I have learned about myself in the last year... I can walk away myself. I can even jog. Sometimes sprint. I've got the endurance to keep going, even if i am a bit slow. Things tend to become clearer even if you are running in place on a treadmill. You'll never catch me because your butt is parked on the couch in front of the TV. It's not too late to start, but the longer you wait, the harder it will be to catch up. I did what I could to help. Now it's time to help myself.

Hormones and Paint Fumes

Because hormones and paint fumes haven't done enough to make me so dizzy I can't walk, I'm gonna take a hydrocodone.

I've had a migraine for four days. It coincided with monthly hormones, so I think they are to blame. Thanks for the hand-in-hand dizziness, by the way. My life is so lovely.

Because I already had a migraine, I gave my sister and nephew a hand with painting last night. Two rooms. It took hours. I figured I couldn't get any dizzier so the paint fumes weren't likely to hurt.

On the other hand, I am serious about wanting my loaned painting supplies back. YES, really.

I need to go to the gym and renew my membership. Ha! I was NOT a Januarian. I started with a six month membership in June 2011. Then I renewed it for a year in December and it's time again. I have goals to meet, but not resolutions. Resolutions are something you drop by the end of January.

However, it is Sunday, and I don't believe anyone is there to renew it for me today.

I haven't been to the gym in a couple of weeks. The truth is, I was feeling the signs of physical exhaustion and the last week of school butted right against Christmas Eve (I had ONE day off before Christmas to finish everything. ONE. ) And then my dog was attacked and that took away the few precious hours before the newly-rescheduled a day early family Christmas stuff. so I spent a lot of afternoons and evenings working frantically on my father's gift -- a large crocheted blanket. When I took a break from working on it, I simply passed out where I was for several hours.

Exhaustion. The last Sunday, I woke up feeling hung over, but with no alcohol involved. Headache, nausea, dizziness, sore and actually hurting all over. Not quite flu symptoms, but when I asked the pros on a running forum I frequent, they said I'm doing too much, going by my workout log. Some advised me to take the day for rest, some advised a week. My shin splints were ramping up on my again anyway, even on days I wasn't running. I inadvertently took over a week. Now it's time to go back. No need to feel guilty. People who have the flu have to take a week anyway.

For those of you that don't know, I may make crocheting a blanket look easy (or not -- I'm often treated with disdain over that), but in reality it takes over a month to make one and $60+ in materials alone. Oh, that's before anyone demands they want one much larger than the others I've made.

I'm just ONE old maid, sorry. You'll get what you get, if you get anything. :). I love you.

I didn't get finished with the blanket in time. I gave it unfinished, and took it back home to finish it, but that sort of situation is always received as if you stiffed the person for a gift altogether. There's no magic spell that crochets blankets. It's absolutely labor-intensive. I get burned out.

It may be that my view of Christmas 2012 is dark and painful because of what happened to my dog. It absolutely ruined my holiday, and his too. I kept him pumped full of pain meds.

I don't feel as if I really pleased anyone with their gifts, though I did actually put a lot of thought and effort into theirs. Hey, I could have given everyone a gift card and not been stressed out by Christmas. But I didn't. My sister and I were the only ones who shopped. Next year everybody may just get a gift card from me too. No stress, and I'll save about 75%. Let's just depersonalize the whole thing.

Actually, I could just go and do all of my 2013 Christmas shopping today and get it over with. Just go to Wal-Mart and get everyone a gift card. Bam! I beat everybody on do-ahead shopping! Yeah buddy!

Don't misunderstand, I appreciated my gifts, but Christmas was rather poisoned for me this year, in many ways. It's like my birthday. I'd just rather ignore the day than have to hear dozens of times that my birthday is so wonderful because its Valentine's Day. Normal people have great V Days. Mine is usually no big deal, if it is even remembered. It was this year. I'll be eligible to donate blood again on my birthday next year, and that will be just about appropriate to validate my self-worth.

I'm going to use my woman's mystique card and blame that bitter little snarkfest on my pain and hormone hurricane. Anytime you want to kick in, hydrocodone, you just feel free. Oh, you're a little out of date? Figures. I could always take another one, I suppose.

Maybe I should do what that article "6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You a Better Person" says and spend my time working to help others. I noticed that I had two pairs of Reeboks in my closet that were brand new. I'd bought them on clearance and realized too late they are just too small for my feet. I thought I'd drop them off at Goodwill, but on the other hand, they might make a decent gift for a needy student at my school. I think that would be better than Goodwill, in this case. I wish we still had a Goodwill store, though. None of the donations currently benefit our community. They go elsewhere to be sorted, cleaned, and resold.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/6-harsh-truths-that-will-make-you-better-person/

(Language Warning - it does say harsh) I support the notion that saying you'll pray for someone and do nothing concrete is useless. It's a lazy person's out that makes them feel so piously validated. Pray, yes, but what are you going to DO to help? God may do the work for you if you pray hard enough. Okay, I see why that is appealing. But what if what God wants is for us to get up off our lazy behinds and DO something? Make those good intentions actually bear fruit? Can you call yourself a friend when you never have anything to do with a person, and very publicly snub them? I suppose so, if you define friendship by how many friends you have on Facebook.

Shades of a well-known joke:

Two Boats and a Helicopter

Once there was a man whose house was in a flood. He stood on the porch as the waters rose. A boat came by, the driver urged the man to get on board but the man said he was waiting on the Lord to save him. The waters rose, the first floor was flooded and as the man looked out his second story window, another boat came to rescue him. The man turned the boat away, saying he would wait for God to rescue him. Finally he was clinging to the chimney on the roof. A helicopter flew overhead and dropped down a ladder. The man waved it off, saying Jesus would save his life. Finally he was swept away in the waters and drowned. At the pearly gates, he saw God and said, Lord, all my life I did as you asked but when the time came you did not save me. And God said, "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what else did you want?"

(This version copied from blogspot.com/2008/04/two-boats-and-helicopter.html?m=1)

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Barkless and Distressed

I'm the distressed one. I took the bandages off my dog's neck last night and he seemed relieved. A little itchy, but that may be due to having his neck shaved for treatment. Then again, healing wounds often itch.

He was doing a little whining tonight with his mouth, rather than his throat, so I gave him a dose of codeine. Dr. White said not to let him suffer any pain, because it wasn't his fault it happened anyway.

I tried to get him to bark, but all that came out was a strangled squeak. I hope it's just a factor of his throat still being swollen from the attack. I hope his voice isn't damaged permanently. I love hearing him bark and do his crazy play growl at me ... Rawr rawr rawr while he bumps his butt on a chair, being silly.

I think my worries about him are driving my insomnia, which is driving me this week. What I need is for Morpheus, god of dreams, to come and drag me onto his chariot to some pleasant location for a few hours. Lets see if he stands me up.

New Years plans? I've only ever had plans once as an adult.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Cheese Straw Evolution

And now for something completely different. Yesterday was horrific. Making homemade cheese straws with a faulty recipe is somewhat... less.... horrific. Merely greatly annoying.

After working for hours the other night, I had a hard time making my cheese straws come out right. I think the problem is a combination of several errors, some of which are possibly deliberately spread misinformation from those who wish not to share an easy recipe.

Either that, or I've truly got an oven limping toward its demise. I suppose I need to obtain an oven thermometer and test it. But I have had so many adverse results from that oven in the last eleven years, it's made me believe I don't know how to cook.

It could be the suggested temperature of 400 degrees, cooked for ten minutes. I've seen a few recipes that called for as long as 25 minutes at 300 or 325 degrees. I put mine back in for an extra 15 to 20 minutes of extra cooking and they became crispier. Hmmmm.....

As I said before, the problem could be a terminally ill oven. I'm not putting in a wall oven again. I'll get a range and put it on the wall, reclaiming my kitchen from a stupid remodel done by a previous owner. Unfortunately, I'll have to redo the floor and base cabinets too, at the very least, at the same time. And the walls... *sigh*. It would be far easier to just sell the house and move.

The mixed ingredients are always too dry and stiff to put through a cookie press without adding in a bunch of water. However, I recently discovered a tip that has possibilities: the author said that she forgot to set her butter and cheese out to soften for creaming, so she put them in the microwave at level one, which almost liquified the butter and cheese. Very melty, but perfect for mixing the flour into. :D. I'm going to try that. It worked when I made sausage balls as a kid. That might eliminate the extra water needed. She also used a pastry bag with a large star tip, so I may try that if my straws keep disappointing me. I'm pretty sure my Pampered Chef cookie press makes them too thick, especially when the dough is so thick and stiff.

It deserves a bit of experimentation, I think, because I do loves me some cheese straws!

Still, I think that I'll begin my experiments with half batches, just in case. If my method works, I'll experiment with favors sometime. :). It's highly unlikely I won't end up with something inedible, in any case. I bet I can find someone who'll eat the failures.

But first, I need to replace my hand mixer. Turns out it is obsolete and I can't buy replacement beaters for it. :(. This is a good reason to buy a KitchenAid stand mixer. I always liked stand mixers better than hand mixers anyway. Yes, I have somewhere to put it. No matter what mixer you use, you'll still have to wash beaters and a bowl anyway. I will say this: making cheese straws completely without a mixer is a tedious process.

Let's not go there again.

My baby was almost killed...

I'm lying on my bed at ten am Christmas Day, with a very injured and traumatized Yorkie napping against me, head on my hip. He's been too full of morphine to do much more than lie around with his tongue hanging out, in a very loopy state.

Yesterday, I heard someone screaming in my front yard. It was the girl across the street, screaming because a larger dog was attacking mine, and just about to kill him. It had Quincy by the throat, and kept attacking. Because my dog was leashed, he couldn't get away. He just lay on his back, trying to play dead. Eyes open wide and terrified, tongue hanging out, trying to look submissive.

He had a torn tongue, bloody eye, three neck wounds, one of which was his jugular, and went into shock. His pupils were dilated and he shivered uncontrollably.

I got a lot of lame excuses from the attacking dog's owner, from saying it wasn't his dog -- it is his landlord's dog (bs - they aren't allowed pets and she lives in another state), to "it's a house dog" to explain why he was running loose. The same dog had attacked a cat across the street this morning in its yard, and then it came after my dog. It looked like a gigantic Jack Russell Terrier, only mixed with something larger and stockier. The guy just stood off in the distance, not making a move to stop his dog.

I told him my dog is a house dog too, and he is always on a leash outside, so don't give me that garbage about having a house dog. You don't let a house dog run around loose in the middle of a heavily populated neighborhood.

I also told him I'll shoot the dog if I see it in my yard again. My mind was screaming all sorts of horrible threats and profanities. I didn't say any of those things out loud.

I still think I may put out a warrant on him and make him pay for the vet bill.

Police were called, saying they could do nothing but cite the owner for violating the leash law, and I took my poor baby to the hospital, wrapped in a towel to keep him warm.

He hasn't wanted me out of his sight, so for Christmas dinner, I didn't eat or do much. I haven't been hungry anyway. I guess i was in shock too. When a family member held him so I could get some food or just to give me a break, he tried to follow me. So putting his head on my hip for some petting reassures me that he's dealing with the situation.

Unfortunately, with his injured tongue, he doesn't want to eat or drink, though I'm using a medicine syringe to squirt water in his mouth occasionally. Oh, he hates that as much as he hates the three medicines he has to take for his wounds -- codeine, anti-inflammatory steroid, and antibiotics. But I can't let him get dehydrated.

Now that he's walking again, he ambles slowly around the house when his pain medicine fades, too scared and out of it to remember to ring his bell when he wants to go out. Slowly turning circles for me to follow him. Everything is slow motion for him now. The vet told me to keep giving him his pain meds; there is no reason for him to suffer any more than he already is with his fear.

It's ironic that his leash endangered him, because now he can't wear a collar when he goes outside. I'm also scared to let him out on his leash in his own front yard, but he has made sure to re mark all of the verticals in my yard and the house to my left. It's still his yard. I'll just have to go outside with him from now on, and fix the backyard so he can't get out of the fence.

Quincy is still shaking intermittently, and now he's even afraid of the cat that has been his buddy for years.

Now I'm sorry I reached for the rolled up newspaper in my haste to get the attacker off Quincy. I almost grabbed the large garden shears that were just as handy. A lot of thoughts went through my head in that fraction of a second when I reached for the shears.

Is this her dog? Is she shocked by what he is doing?
She's trying to stop him. She kicked him in the head with her bare foot.
Can I whack it with the shears without killing it?
What happens if I kill that dog?
Can I avoid hurting Quincy in the process?
Is it going to attack me like that other dog did? Am I going back to the hospital today, bleeding profusely again?
I VOWED I'D KILL THE NEXT DOG THAT ATTACKED ME.
Who is that man just standing there doing and saying nothing?
Can I keep myself from opening the shears and stabbing that dog to death?
KILL IT NOW.
I wish I had a baseball bat. Not even a broom. Somebody stole my broom.
If I yell at that guy with shears in my hand, will I be charged with assault with a deadly weapon?
DON'T PICK UP THOSE SHEARS.

That dog almost killed my baby. I don't have children, so my dog is my baby. He only weighs 8 pounds and isn't an aggressive breed. He's a lapdog, and always has been. He's missing several teeth, including an upper canine, so biting back wouldn't help him. He was tied up, maybe barking at an intruder in his yard.

I don't think I've done anything wrong here. Neither did my dog. He wasn't trespassing. And he was defenseless, trapped on his leash.

Thanks for ruining Christmas, neighbor. I'd love to hear that when the police got to your door, they would discover outstanding warrants in your name.

Quincy after his trip to the animal hospital, where they took him right in for immediate treatment.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Call Me Wolverine

From now on, when kids can't remember my name, I'm going to tell them to call me Wolverine. Why? Well, it's not for the killer nails I can grow in the warm seasons.

The harder I work on my fitness (more than the recommended amount of cardio, by the way), the heavier I get. I'm not getting visibly smaller, after two years of working at this and adding running into the mix.

I cut my calories; I gain weight. I lift weights at the recommended weight-losing reps and weights; I gain weight. I start running 10 miles a week, my muscles take on water as they strengthen, and I swell with water retention. And, guess what? I gain weight.

People tell me I'm gaining muscle and losing fat, but then snidely accuse me of over overeating when they aren't around. I'm not. I have been under eating, calorically speaking.

Trust me on this -- if even an endocrinologist didn't have the answer to my metabolism problem, you don't automatically know what is going wrong in my body from your armchair.

Yes, I've almost developed an eating disorder trying to control the levels of everything I'm supposed to be eating. Two weeks of eating salads instead of a hot lunch or dinner, and I didn't lose a pound, despite shunning sodium. No sodas, just water. Lots of water, which was supposed to alleviate my constant struggle with pitting edema in my legs.

I am a freak of nature. :). I'm unable to lose weight by normal means, and of course, it's easier to call me a liar than to admit what you've seen on TV doesn't actually work exactly the same for everyone. I'll pass on the trendy "If I can, you can too!" products that won't work for me anyway, especially if you're selling them. I'm going to hire a personal trainer for a couple of months, and if that doesn't help (because I need yet another know-it-all to tell me how I'm doing everything wrong) I will stop trying to lose weight. I may have to give up running completely if I can't get off the too-heavy, injury causing overweightness, you can't run well till you lose weight, vicious cycle.

Actually, maybe it's a viscous cycle, given my sluggish metabolism. One of these days, they'll find my supernaturally-strong heart powering a Terminator, I'm telling you.

Oh, where's Dr. McCoy when you need a medical tricorder to just fix the problem from the cellular level?

Seriously, it's like the scene when Wolverine sits on the motorcycle and it drops dramatically under his weight. Funny, he didn't LOOK that heavy! I suspect that there may be metal or stone bonded to my bones. It would explain why extraordinarily nasty accidents never cause me to break my bones.

Either that, or I just suffer through broken bones I won't accept that I have.

Don't make me mad, though. I can take you. Then all I have to do is sit on you, and you're a goner.

Jokes aside, maybe I should get back into martial arts. I think I could really hurt someone now, if I wanted to.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

First Penguin Run ... Fail! Lol

It was 34 degrees when I got home from work, and darkness was starting to close in. The wind chill was 26 degrees. Brr!

I'm a person who HATES being cold with a frigid blue passion (hey, I heard that...) so I wanted to test out my running gear in freezing temps, just to see if I could take it.

Temperature-wise, I was fine once I got warmed up. Only my fingertips and my butt felt cold. If I'd worn my compression shorts under my all-season UnderArmour running tights, I probably would have had a warm tushie too, but hey, that's used to being cold. Not much fat back there to insulate.

Had the tights, cheap knit gloves, a long sleeved tech shirt, UnderArmour Storm Fleece jacket, ankle socks, and the tights, being overlong on a short woman, kept my legs covered. I wore a Buff as a balaclava, and pulled my hood up too. My breath was fairly warm because of my headcover, but it was a little claustrophobic for me, because the Buff kept encroaching on my eyes. I need to work on the fit, and get used to the feel. But it indeed kept me warm.

Did my five minutes of warmup walking and in my question to get warm, I must have started off WAY too fast. Somewhere in there, my Nike+ app says I ran at the pace of about an 11 minute mile, much faster than usual.

And then my peroneal muscles started screaming at me, from both legs simultaneously. Burning, aching, tight... I guess my legs weren't warm enough after all! I forced myself to hobble the rest of the mile around the track as a cool down, and that mile was all I could do. Too fast, muscles not warmed.... Recipe for disaster, so I bowed out. I'm disappointed, because I actually liked running in the cold, without being cold. :D

Another time, perhaps. Now I know I can handle the temperature, if I maybe slip on my compression sleeves for extra warmth and circulation.

I don't know what else to do on that -- maybe bring sweatpants to take off, or buy some noisy windbreaker pants? Longer warmup time? Legwarmers? Resign myself to winter on the Dreadmill?

Hey, Santa, I'd love some Zensah running gloves. :). Do you think they make them small enough for me? I buy mine in the boys' section usually. ;)

Sunday, December 9, 2012

How'd I hurt my... Chest?

Hurts to use my arm! When I try, I get a pain that starts in my armpit and wraps across my pectoral muscle. It feels like I spent a long time trying to yank open my locked kitchen door. Driving today was a challenge.

Hmm. Maybe there was more to my nightmare last night than I thought. As zonked as I was, I might have been sleepwalking and trying desperately in my terror to get away from something. Because the kitchen door is key-locked inside and out, I couldn't operate the lock. Good thing, too. I wasn't dressed for a middle of the night sleepwalking jaunt outside.

Two lovely little storms just passed through. I was hoping they would lull me back to sleep, but now I'm awake and dizzy, with just the sound of trains going by, most likely headed for New Orleans or Chicago. No clue why I'm dizzy, but the room is doing the slowly tilted vertigo spin for me. Eewww... Not pleasant.

I desperately want to sleep on my right side, but that's the owwie side, and I can't lift my arm because that'll make things worse. It's like the feeling I had after surgery when I had over a hundred stitches across my chest and was unable to get off my back... And I'm a side sleeper. Annoying and hard to rest this way.

The storms are gone, so I'm going to turn on an app for that, and try to prop myself toward the right without extending my arm...oh, I really wanna. Lol but I'm collarbone- challenged as it is...

Hey! The rain is back! :) *yawn*

Saturday, December 8, 2012

Are you HIGH, Clairee?!

50 points to Gryffindor if you recognize my post's title.

Last night I went for a run, after being at the school dance gave me hives, starting on my face. Itchy.... Oh yeah, they were itchy. Then my arms started itching too, and I decided to go before I had flashbacks to my own attendance at that dance as an awkward seventh grader. It wasn't traumatic, but it was a collection of unhappy details, not the least of which was ZERO parental support for attending it.

It would have been lovely if... Someone had been anything other than opposed to my going, had taken me shopping for a dress, (a neighborhood friend loaned me one, thankfully) had gone other than to a thrift store for my sister's dress, had done more than hit a yard sale for ugly non-matching shoes that were far too big for me. If only someone hadn't wanted to humiliate us at that dance. If only. But someone cried a false state of poverty to cover her enmity, and my mother stayed out of the picture too.

I've got to admit that I wonder at those kids attending the dance whose parents rented limousines and checked them out of school early to get their hair and nails done. Wow. :) A limo would seem a bit much to me, but hair and nails done? Nice.... :). I've had a pedicure once. Lol. That's it.

If you ever see the picture from the dance I went to, I'm trying not to cry in it -- that's why I look so strange, but my huge charity-bin glasses covered a lot anyway. They were never my choice either, supposedly because some stepbrothers decades older had rough-housed and broken their glasses back in the 60s. You know, I never broke a pair of mine. Funny, huh?

As I said, if only. If only childhood could be idyllic for all, but it often isn't.

But some had it far worse than me, and I digress.

I did 10 minute warmup walk and then did my 20 minute run at a 14'31" mile average pace, with the rest of 3.5 miles finished walking. I wasn't exactly pushing myself a that speed, but I wanted to see if speeding up just a little bit would make breathing any harder, going the distance any more difficult, or make my legs hurt any worse afterward.

I haven't noticed anything different yet, except that I was faster.

Oh, there was one thing, but it wasn't speed-related, I suspect. When my app announced that I had reached the halfway point, I started calculating how many more songs I'd listen to before I could walk again, and came up with approximately three. My latest mental game has been to tell myself to just finish the song and then I could evaluate how I felt, and whether I still wanted a walk break. My body HAS been telling me to take a sudden walk break pretty often, just so sure it's had enough. I don't even detect a mental battle -- I just suddenly break into a walk, and feel kinda whiney about running further at the same time.

Mental defeat. It's a problem for me, as I've said before.

So at the halfway point, I told myself I could check "how much further" at the end of the third song, because I had stowed my phone in my Spibelt and vowed not to check it until I was desperate. Well, ladles and jelly spoons, desperation never came. The last ten minutes of the run ended sometime just after song three started, and absolutely caught me by surprise. Sweet! :D. I cheered out loud, too. This is what I've been hoping running would feel like, except for the awareness of my shins, although they warmed up halfway through the run and almost went away.

I got rained on, a little bit. Misty rain, just enough to make my clothes and hair damp, but I welcomed it because I was tasting sweat by then. Hey, my upper lip sweats when I use a hair dryer, so that's nothing new. The rain was nice and cool. Loved it! Many thanks for that.

Picked up some supper, and by the time I got home I was feeling great. Positively healthy and glowing, and even a little bit accomplished. I wasn't worn out; and only limping a little bit. I was fighting to stay awake by my normal bedtime and didn't need Melatonin to sleep.

I had a great night's sleep, as long as you ignore the extended nightmare I had about a friend dying. I figure that was just leftover junk floating around in my brain from the past few days, and it congealed into a monster while I slept. But I fixed it. I was so upset that she had died in the dream, that she came back to life. I just wanted her not to be dead that much. It's just a dream... You can change them how you want to, as soon as you realize you are in control.

So anyway, I don't know about a runner's high, exactly. I don't feel high. (Okay, I don't have any experience with getting high, and I don't intend to, either.) What I thought was an endorphin rush back in the summer with the high heat and humidity was likely a warning sign of imminent heatstroke. Hahaha. However, I definitely felt a boost last night that hasn't yet faded away, and I know that I have to feel this way more often. It's probably endorphins. I deserve them. They're mine, ALL MINE, I tell you. It's not like I'm using them for anything else, anyway.

;)




Monday, December 3, 2012

20 Minutes of Pain

Longest amount of time I have EVER run nonstop in my life. But let's face it -- I was upset and angry, punishing myself. I weighed myself before I went to run, and after a solid week of eating very calorie controlled salads... I've gained two pounds.

Honestly, I was fighting tears the whole time I ran. It wasn't the pain I felt in my legs; it was all in my heart.

Please don't give me that garbage about gaining muscle. My body can't use a single extra pound of muscle. It needs to start shedding fat, in mass quantities.

20 minutes nonstop running, bordered by a five minute warmup and a long, painful cooldown. My pace wasn't impressive, but I was determined to keep going until I broke a leg bone or I collapsed. Really. And there I would lie on the track probably until tomorrow morning's PE class found me cold and dead.

I finally realized, once I got out of breath and started really sucking wind, that I could handle it. I was simply out of breath, and while I don't enjoy the feeling, I was still getting enough air to keep going. So I kept running, with the understanding that I would be out of breath the whole time, though I was controlling my breathing in cadence with my stride. Two in and two out seemed to work just fine, without making me panic.

I prayed for a lot of that time. Purely selfish, I was asking for help. I am absolutely powerless to make any positive changes happen in my own body, it turns out. Things that work on normal people do not work on me. When science fails, where else can you turn?

When I finished my 20 minute run, which was approaching my goal of consistent 15 minute miles, I had only gone for 1.76 miles. I was determined to begin increasing my mileage, and I decided that another quarter-mile couldn't make me any more sore than I already am, or will be. I might as well make the pain count for something. That's why my last mile was over 17 minutes. My shins were hurting and I was pushing the last mile.

No pain, no gain, as they say. It's true if you want to improve as a runner. The muscles have to tear to regrow stronger. It takes a full year to strengthen bones and connective tissues... If they don't disintegrate in the process.

I know I can expect another six months of pain. At least. *sigh*

Lord, please don't let it be for nothing. :(

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Running Goals for 2013

I might as well set some goals for next year, for my running. :) I'll probably add to them later, when I accomplish these. They may or may not be in order.

1. Run a 5k without stopping for walk breaks. (I stole that from Eva - thanks, Eva! - but I want that too.)

2. Run the circuit of the park nonstop, including that monster hill by the old country club.

3. Find / create some new running paths locally. Creating may just consist of mapping out and testing, of course.

4. Run every other day without ever-increasing injury to my shins. Meaning, run whenever I darn well want to because my musculoskeletal system has finally adapted to my running. (Shins, are you hearing me? I baby you with all sorts of calcium -- now it's time to show some strength.)

5. Lose 20 pounds. I know I have at least 40 to lose, and 50 would be great, but I have a fail-and-quit mentality. If I lose them slowly -- work them off physically, they will be more likely to stay gone. Besides, if I lose 20 by summer, then I will have a timeline to follow and know I can accomplish the whole amount eventually. I know that increasing distance is the key. :)

6. Run in 2 big 5ks next year. The crowds scare me right now, but if I can go with a friend, it won't be so bad.

7. Get out of "beginner" mode and finally just start enjoying my run each time.

8. Get out and run even when the weather is yucky.

9. Run a mile before work twice a week.

10. Cross-train twice a week. (I'm still so tired all the time.)

11. Get OUT of the freaking obese category to merely overweight. Lol. I know, I don't actually look like what you think obese looks like. You're imagining 500 pounds, but I'm there and not that heavy, just like Schwarzenegger!

12. Increase my mileage to 20 mpw by July 1st.

13. Increase my mileage to 30 mpw by December 31st, 2013.

14. Run / walk a 10k. (Running as much as possible.)

15. Participate in at least 6 5ks next year. Just fun & finish, run for good causes.

16. Run for St. Jude next fall. :) 5k for sure.

17. Participate in all 3 of the races I've already done before: Mission March, CC Turkey Trot, Junior Aux. Turkey Trot. Improve my time from each by a minute.

18. Reduce my mile time to 14 min consistently by the end of February.

19. Reduce my mile time to 13 min consistently by the end of March.

20. Reduce my mile time to 12 min consistently by the end of May. (Because I ran a 12 minute first mile in the Mission March, overweight, anxious, and in pain, under better circumstances, it shouldn't be a problem to do without injury.)

21. 2014 - 10k / half marathon year. I may only attempt one half. I may just train for it. I may just attend one and cheer with two broken legs!

22. 2015 - tackle the marathon. Maybe by then our local marathon trail will be complete. Uh, started. Hm, maybe just considered.

23. Help someone else get out and get moving, even if it is just for beginner's walks. :)

24. Finish Couch to 5k and start 10 k training. AARGH! I just don't think it is right for me to progress when I'm not able to do all the nonstop runs yet. Lol. Or is that ok? FINISHED C25K 1/4/13.
Of course, if I keep getting injured, all of these goals will have to be changed or moved to my bucket list. *rolling eyes*