Thursday, December 13, 2012

Call Me Wolverine

From now on, when kids can't remember my name, I'm going to tell them to call me Wolverine. Why? Well, it's not for the killer nails I can grow in the warm seasons.

The harder I work on my fitness (more than the recommended amount of cardio, by the way), the heavier I get. I'm not getting visibly smaller, after two years of working at this and adding running into the mix.

I cut my calories; I gain weight. I lift weights at the recommended weight-losing reps and weights; I gain weight. I start running 10 miles a week, my muscles take on water as they strengthen, and I swell with water retention. And, guess what? I gain weight.

People tell me I'm gaining muscle and losing fat, but then snidely accuse me of over overeating when they aren't around. I'm not. I have been under eating, calorically speaking.

Trust me on this -- if even an endocrinologist didn't have the answer to my metabolism problem, you don't automatically know what is going wrong in my body from your armchair.

Yes, I've almost developed an eating disorder trying to control the levels of everything I'm supposed to be eating. Two weeks of eating salads instead of a hot lunch or dinner, and I didn't lose a pound, despite shunning sodium. No sodas, just water. Lots of water, which was supposed to alleviate my constant struggle with pitting edema in my legs.

I am a freak of nature. :). I'm unable to lose weight by normal means, and of course, it's easier to call me a liar than to admit what you've seen on TV doesn't actually work exactly the same for everyone. I'll pass on the trendy "If I can, you can too!" products that won't work for me anyway, especially if you're selling them. I'm going to hire a personal trainer for a couple of months, and if that doesn't help (because I need yet another know-it-all to tell me how I'm doing everything wrong) I will stop trying to lose weight. I may have to give up running completely if I can't get off the too-heavy, injury causing overweightness, you can't run well till you lose weight, vicious cycle.

Actually, maybe it's a viscous cycle, given my sluggish metabolism. One of these days, they'll find my supernaturally-strong heart powering a Terminator, I'm telling you.

Oh, where's Dr. McCoy when you need a medical tricorder to just fix the problem from the cellular level?

Seriously, it's like the scene when Wolverine sits on the motorcycle and it drops dramatically under his weight. Funny, he didn't LOOK that heavy! I suspect that there may be metal or stone bonded to my bones. It would explain why extraordinarily nasty accidents never cause me to break my bones.

Either that, or I just suffer through broken bones I won't accept that I have.

Don't make me mad, though. I can take you. Then all I have to do is sit on you, and you're a goner.

Jokes aside, maybe I should get back into martial arts. I think I could really hurt someone now, if I wanted to.

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