Sunday, January 27, 2013

Transparency

Somebody spent an hour earlier this afternoon sending me pornographic texts, complete with photos, supposedly of uh, his manhood. I didn't recognize the number, but that's a pretty sad thing to do. It reeks of desperation. And the photos weren't impressive. I respond better to warmheartedness than something like that.

Actually, the most memorable times I've spent in male company lately was cuddling on the couch with a friend I've had feelings for, for twenty years. I felt safe and cared for. It made me happy, but I didn't think he wanted to know that.

He developed a sudden lack of interest. Maybe I took a step in the wrong direction. He was okay with it at the time, so I have no idea what his problem was. Going by the way he stopped talking to me suddenly and completely, I suppose he doesn't even want to be friends anymore. I probably got too close.

What I had to understand is that he went through a rough breakup and divorce, and it has left him very suspicious. I understand why, but I'm not going to once again, pay for the sins of someone else. I wouldn't have tolerated it if he had put spyware on my phone, even if someone else gave him a very good reason to distrust her.

It's a shame. I've always really liked him. I still do. I can't help feeling that he believes I've done something wrong.

I'm not the one to distrust. I'm not even any good at lying. A friend once told me that I'm transparent -- it's easy to see what I'm thinking and feeling because it always shows on my face and in my demeanor. He was right about me wearing my heart on my sleeve. I suppose that's undesirable rather than endearing.

It's been my experience that nobody likes people who are open and honest about their feelings. They want mystery and lies, and then cry out indignantly when the find they have been lied to and deceived by their sexy mystery woman.

Honestly, he was rude to me. Apparently, I texted him during a football game and that just IS NOT DONE. He actually said to me that he didn't want a girlfriend because that would interfere with his football watching. I said, oh, I guess I'll catch you after football season is over.

Or not. If football is so important you would hurt a friend's feelings over it, I guess I know where I stand. I've heard divorced men say that no woman is going to come before their kids, and while it sounds noble, it usually means they intend to treat women like sh*t and whip out the kid clause while expecting the woman to stick around and accept their fate.

With him, I suppose any potential relationship would have to play third fiddle, with the child first, and the television second. In any case, he's shown cold disregard for my feelings on several occasions. Unfortunately, it's something I'm quite used to, so I have to just throw him into the pile of horrible men who have stomped through my life, and accept that he was cut from the same cloth.

As far as having something to offer, I've never looked at a man's wealth (or lack thereof) as a point of contention in a relationship. I make a good living, so if he falls short, things will be just fine anyway. I only consider the personality traits that would affect his ability to make me feel cherished. My standards regarding material possessions are pretty low. Love is more important than money.

People are more important than flatscreens. Maybe it's a vulnerability that makes him so two-dimensional. Maybe he's afraid, but I have never been one to make someone pay for the mistakes of a past partner, and I won't be punished for what she did. Whoever "she" may be. If that's your attitude, you need to work it out with a dominatrix and learn a little respect for the women you think you deserve to hurt. Maybe you need to go to confession. Seriously. Or you could simply apologize and be easily forgiven, if it's me we're talking about. I'm pretty forgiving.

So I backed away, knowing I had lost once again, without even being allowed to put forth a good effort to get what I wanted. :-/ Well, I tried to show him how I felt, and he cut me off from him completely, by ignoring me. Maybe he's depressed and not understanding what he inflicted. What can you do, other than realize you're never going to be good enough?

Oh, but don't be bitter, I'm often told. No, stay kindhearted, squishy and vulnerable.

One question. Why? It seems that being cruel is much more effective.

Obviously, he still holds a place in my heart, despite his ultimate reaction to me. I dreamed about him last night. I've heard that when you dream about someone, it means they are thinking about you. It's a sweet thought.

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