Today I finally understood a few things. (Okay, i already knew; this was just confirmation.) Some people will always want things, promise they will repay on a specified date, duck you on that date, and not give a damn. It doesn't matter who they are, but they will always come wanting more, and always on their terms.
Sometimes it involves favors they insist they deserve from you, though they never do a thing in return for you. They will deliberately and impersonally email you the day after your birthday, with a limp "hope your day was happy," in an attempt to throw a guilt trip on you for not being easily controllable.
Some don't even bother with an online "Happy Birthday" when virtual strangers make the effort, just out of kindness.
My brother bought me dinner. My dad sent me some pretty (fake) flowers. (Because they'll last longer.) A coworker gave me some yummy goodies and another brought me an awesome cupcake from his daughter that I pretended was a birthday cake. My nephews gave me a gift card for the very expensive local coffee shop that I like. :) I even got a funny card from another coworker. That's as good as it gets.
It's enough. It's probably a lot more than I deserve. Things work out this way for a reason, even if we never understand why. Maybe it's all those voodoo dolls I make and keep jabbing with pins. Hmm. ;)
Anyway, I know this is only a pang for me, because it was my birthday and not yours.
Because I was sick most of the week I didn't go to the gym, and tonight I went. I was angry because I haven't been losing weight, and though my Walk Across Tennessee team recorded our miles fairly, we got trounced by a team who had to have put in 50 miles per person in the week, knowing they didn't put in that much exercise time. Then I heard that they were wearing pedometers and counting every step they had jiggled for the day. Apparently, more than just actual exercise miles.
Now, I have to pee a lot when I drink enough water, but I don't count any of those trips to the bathroom as legitimate exercise.
So I did 2.56 miles of hard cardio on the elliptical (my heart rate maxed out at 187 - I'm probably heart attack proof, so save my heart for that first batch of Terminator hybrids). Then I got on the bike and those calories weren't budging. For 25 minutes of hard breathing sweaty biking, it said I only burned 108 calories. ...but it never asked my weight or age. Aha! When I put the activities on my insurance company's app, it told me I actually burned more like 380 calories. Yay, that does make me feel better. I got in over 8 miles today, thanks to the bike. (Yes, I increased the resistance.)
When I looked at my goal to burn 3500 calories a week, I was crestfallen to realize that even with a rest day, I'd have to burn nearly 600 calories a day 6 days a week without fail. That's just for one pound of fat to lose. I supposed I'd have to start doing two-a-days if I was ever going to see my weight start to go down. Because otherwise, I'd never have the energy to burn 600 at night.
I actually did 775 with just the elliptical and bike. I still want to run, but I can't lose the shin splints at this weight. I've got to get lighter or I'll keep getting hurt.
According to the scale, I've lost two pounds this week. Please God, let them really be gone.
Right now, I don't really want to participate in the 7k I signed up for. I just want to pick up my packet and shirt I had to pay extra for (because I know I signed up first and they won't honor their offer to give the first 100 sign ups free shirts) and go home. Nobody will be running with me, and nobody will be cheering for me. I'll be there alone. That's the hard part of running races. It'll be another crowded and lonely event I'll just embarrass myself in.
Maybe what I did on the first day of my new year will be a hint of what I see for the rest of the year: successful workouts and calorie burning, and a pound lost forever each day. (Cue the old gypsy saying "Thinner" here.)
And it's for me. Just me. I've got no one to impress, and I just want to feel better and not hate my reflection so intensely.
Hey, another good night at the gym, so I'm rewarding myself with another Oxygen back issue. I really did earn that. I can count on me, after all.