Wednesday, February 27, 2013

The Need to See Results

My teenaged nephew told me tonight that he can see I'm losing weight. Oh, wonderful young man, I needed to hear that! Bought him a taco pizza dinner to say thanks :).

I need to see that SOMEthing is happening, or I completely lose heart in my attempts to become fit. No, not instant gratification! I'm so used to extremely delayed (or never, Ha ha ha Ha ha ha) gratification that I've pretty much given up on some things.

I don't know if you realize it, but I didn't just start going to the gym last month. I've been going for almost two years. I had no idea where to go for an education on getting myself fit, but I'm finally finding some people generous enough to share their valid knowledge with me. So yeah, I'm technically becoming a copycat in that respect, but they wouldn't blog their weight loss / fitness tips if they didn't want to share them, right?

Bless him, Matt slapped a big bandaid on my heart when he said it, because to date, only three places on my body show any visible changes: my face, my lower legs, and the part of my ribs just above my "spare tire". I'm starting to see that there are ribs under there again. I'm not sure what a good thing that is, though, because if I press on one of my ribs where there's no appreciable fat, it hurts like crazy.

So yes, results barely showing, and two out of three are places I don't normally let the world see. Okay, I don't let anyone see. I've gone from wearing an XL in tee shirts to a L, and the Oxford University sweatshirt I bought in London in July fits me just right now. I'm still upset over the JC Penney incident Saturday morning, however. I went to check out their fitness gear in sale, and they had FIVE pairs of exercise capris in XL in the whole store. Two were the same pants style. None of them fit me.

Let me be honest here: my tush has never looked good. I've got wide hips, no muscle definition back there, and it's kinda flat. Which means that it's also weak, and that makes running harder, and might even be the starting point of my extreme supination, which in turn links up a whole heap of related problems, in a chain reaction. I'm not insulting myself talking about my weak butt -- it's a weak point, just like my arms. I didn't know there were three sets of muscles that need strengthening, and a piriformis muscle which has been pinching the daylights out of my sciatic nerve, making me think my right leg was completely disintegrating. What else was I to think, when I was having to drag it like a dead limb, using my hip to lift it?

All of that to say that even with my flat bootie, those pants seemed made for some variant of female that has literally no flesh on her posterior. Forget it if you have a strong set of glutes that are well rounded... These pants will NOT fit them. But realistically, what can you expect from a $10 pair of running capris that were probably made in China? They were sized to fit a bamboo shoot.

So, I'm sticking with UnderArmour. They are way expensive for my taste, but they have been good quality so far and they fit me. Maybe when I'm in better shape I'll DESERVE that privilege of being able to actually choose what I want from a lot of clothing locally. There's just not much available in my size.

So I have to get myself fitting into smaller sizes. If I do this right, I'll also be getting adequate sleep, in great cardiovascular and physical shape, eating healthfully, and maybe just a smidge happier with myself. My sister seems to feel that my diabetes is the cause of my slower-than-expected progress. I don't know. I haven't been having sneak attacks of hypoglycemia lately.

I may not be able to see a difference myself, but I can feel a difference inside, under that layer of fat that is hiding my muscles as they are toning up. I feel stronger. I'm beginning to have more energy. And if I could just drop this sludge a little faster, I could maybe even run.

And you know, I want to run. There's a sense of being truly alive and free when I can run unhindered. I still dream about being able to run like that fairly often, practically floating over the ground with my feet barely skimming the surface. Funny thing is, sometimes I'm pounding that pavement absolutely barefooted like I did as a child.

If you see positive changes in my shape, please share that with me., its the only feeling of success I really get, since pounds aren't melting off me still. Maybe the fat is being eaten away as I'm building muscle simultaneously, but that doesn't show, yet, so please encourage me if you see a hint of success. :). I'm feeling more insecure about it with every weigh-in.

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