Saturday, April 27, 2013

Ceuf - Hannibal's Missing Episode 4

First of all, I want to know what was so bad about the episode that I will not be shown in the US. Something about violence to children was mentioned as a reason. So they cut the offensive parts and made the rest look as if all the rest is happy going in psychiatry.

I'm confused... So Hannibal goes to Will's house and feeds his dogs... Sausages. (Probably homemade and human in origin. ick.) I don't understand why Will was out of town. Maybe it was the case of kids being brainwashed to kill kids? I understand NBC's decision not to air the episode was out of respect for Sandy Hook, but they haven't yanked The Hunger Games.


Hannibal convinces Abigail to drink psilocybin mushroom tea. Wow. Then he lies about it to her angry doctor and says it was half a Valium, all the while the poor girl is seriously tripping. Supposedly, it's to help her stop the memories of her father from being painful. Not only that, but did he at some (unshown) point offer to let Abigail live with him? Not only is that setting off the usual pervert flags for me (Really? Move in with a middle-aged man who is acting uncharacteristically paternal?) but there's another reg flag waving around. Hmm.

At some point next season, Mason Verger and his sister Margot enter the picture. It won't have happened yet in this storyline, but since Lecter gives him Amyl Nitrate, PCP, and meth, then tells him to cut off his face and feed it to his dog, I'm kinda worried what "guidance" he's providing for Abigail while she's under the influence of that drug. Maybe he told the truth and is going to merely convince her to stop feeling so hurt when she remembers her father.

Then again, maybe he's going to see if he can't turn her into a killer himself so he can have some company. All that talk about keeping secrets between them makes Hannibal seem like the creepiest uncle ever, regardless of the serial killer / cannibal element. Please tell me he's not a child molester too. That's the vibe I'm getting, and it makes me feel sicker than the goriest scenes from "Coquilles". In any case, he's definitely grooming her for ... something icky.

NBC has posted the sanitized pieces of "Ceuf" on their website. I'm still wondering... who is the woman it shows in the current preview, that Hannibal grabs by the throat? What is Crawford's deal with asking his wife if it's too late for them to have children, because she looks like she's well over the age of 40. (Stupid question!).

Why does Hannibal finish the fishing lure that Will was working on, and then use the hook to prick his finger with it? Is that to demonstrate his desire to have Will become a part of him (dinner, perhaps?) as Hobbs has become part of Will? Did he see Will's blood on the hook, and he wants to join their blood together on the end of the hook?

It's interesting to note that in "Coquilles," the dogs are trying to protect Will while he is sleepwalking. Winston takes that walk down the middle of the road, right by his side. All of the dogs are barking frantically from inside the windows when he sleepwalks his way to the edge of the roof.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

In Vino Veritas

Time for a little truth...

I haven't eaten supper all week until tonight. I've been depressed (ok, I still am) and I had to sleep, which made me miss dinner. Plus, I didn't want to eat. But tonight I was out of milk for my coffee, and more importantly, out of cat food for the new mommy, so I had to trek out and spend a crazy amount on cat food, dog food, and chewwie bones. Someone suggested pizza, so I got pizza and beer, and hangers, which I'm always short of lately. Hm. Strange. I also bought some crazily multicolored yarn because I'm going to make an insane hat to wear the next time we have hat day, or I feel like role playing, whichever comes first.

Nah....I'd get a long wig for that. Forget I said that.

Okay, actually, he was suggesting vodka and cranberry juice along with leftover spaghetti, but that sounded disgusting to me. He mentioned frozen pizza, and a few other unappealing activities, and I decided I could have lousy frozen pizza and beer home alone rather than anything else. Some people just don't have a clue how to comfort you when you're down, but they'll be glad to prey on you while you're defenseless. Home alone with my puppy is always preferable.

I got some Redd's Apple Ale. :). Tasty stuff. I'm not sure what beverage category it falls under, but I liked it. Me drinking a beer on an empty stomach is an instant room spinner. Lol. Did I ever mention what a low tolerance I have? It's kinda funny. And useful. But anyway.... Just consider me relaxed.

I'm glad that this doesn't make me feel anything other than giddy, because I've done enough crying this week already. Over whom? Well, there's only the one, and he didn't offer me leftover spaghetti. Just an extended wait and confusion over details I'm probably not supposed to know, but there it all is on Facebook, taking sharp little bites out of my heart. I've loved him for so many years, and I don't know how he feels about that. I know how I feel though. Every missed opportunity to reassure me hurts terribly.

Another truth: I just did what could conceivably be my final real bus duty of the year. I paid $80 in a silent auction for another teacher to sub for me in May, and I already feel that my money was well spent. Lol I just dislike bus duty that much I'm willing to pay someone else to do it. And I did. :)

Further truth : I'm a little distantly (as in, I can't connect to the feeling right now) annoyed at myself for forgetting to buy toilet paper while I was shopping. I still have two rolls, but I really prefer to keep a stash of twelve rolls. Excessive toilet paper use and excessive toilet seat sitting... Two things my father gets totally aggravated about, as if I intentionally overuse resources... Until I remind him about the differences in female toileting procedures. Lol. Ever see a 77 year old man turn redfaced with embarrassment? It's pretty funny. ;)

Still dreadfully depressed but momentarily distracted...

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Maybe I'm Wrong

Cue Depeche Mode's "Wrong". Awesomely creepy video, BTW. For the record, I was actually born under a good sign, with everything in the right ascendancy and the like. I looked it up, once upon a time.

I've been asleep for several hours already today / tonight. When I have something weighing depressingly on my mind, my brain tells me to go to sleep. Sometimes it just outright takes over and knocks me out the minute I get still. A reboot, I suppose.

I've been worrying myself since yesterday morning about something I have no control over. It has led to some tears and to some self-doubt. Earlier I was thinking, well, now you've done it; you've been honest about your feelings and that was likely the nail in the coffin.

I woke up feeling horribly depressed but I think I have a handle on it now. I realized some things.

If what I said, whether it was in a private message, in a personal conversation, or even a prior blog post was the one thing that makes someone decide once and for all that they don't want me in their life, they must not have wanted me in the first place. I mean, if all it takes is one excuse, one unhappy thought, one misconstrued comment to turn someone away, they were looking for a reason already because they didn't have strong enough interest / feelings / love or whatever for me.

Why can't I keep that in my brain, along with my reminders to be patient? I've been waiting for fifteen years, so surely I can admonish myself to wait another month and a half to get an answer. What I have a hard time with, is keeping my thoughts positive with no encouragement.

I get sad. I'm a hormonal middle-aged woman, though my brain does not want to accept that fact. Sometimes the best medicine is simply a hug, but oh no! Don't expect anyone to give you that hug if you've been sad! (Gee, does THAT not make any sense.)

There's a way to make my peace with what the often-disappointed side of me insists is a foregone conclusion of rejection. However… there is still a part of me that says to be patient, and provide that already requested waiting time. It says that surely I can't be destined for a lifetime of being alone, or being possessed by yet another abusive man in my life.

You see, there is a choice. I could have married a couple of the men I dated, but there were three (okay, maybe more if I admit it) that were downright abusive to me. One that said things to kill my self esteem, another that was hidden violent psycho, and another was obvious about wanting to kill his rather meek and mousy girlfriend (me) in a violent way just to give him a thrill. (And he's out there to 'protect and serve", by the way. Don't YOU feel safe now?)

Other than the first one who was constantly messing with my head, the other two I got away from by the second incidents. Yes, I second-guessed myself after the first incidents with each, not trusting my own intuition that I wasn't imagining unprovoked violence simmering beneath the surface.

I didn't want to be stuck in a marriage like that, so I backed away and ran the moment I got the chance. It took me years to accept that I didn't cause them to be so psychotic. And I was afraid of my psycho-attracting penchant so I remained in solitary confinement for a long time after each. It's what I do. I become a hermit, even though I need to be around people.

And my status as a never-married, childless woman seems so suspicious to any man I'd want to date. "You don't have any kids and you've never been married What's WRONG with you?!?!" Uh, I dunno. ("Here's your sign!!!") Low tolerance for bullcrap, violent men, users, and deadbeats? Oh yeah, I like smart men too. That's a rare commodity in my area. And men who aren't missing several of their teeth are pretty awesome to me too. Bathe and tend to your grooming. Don't sleep around. "Don't lie down with the dogs and you won't wake up with fleas." Yikes, you think my standards are too high?

It's like being a lady. If you have to tell people you're a lady, you're not a lady. If you have to engage a woman in an intellectual pissing contest of "I'm smarter than you", then you're not smarter than she is. Hint - I don't have to be smarter, and I can tell when a man is smarter than me. I'm not threatened by it. But you better not treat me like I'm stupid. :) That'll get my panties all in a twist and I remember that foolishness. You want to be dominant, that's a whole different thing, Mr. Alpha Male.

I just mean, have some respect for me as an intelligent person. I didn't get where I am by dropping out of high school stoned out of my gourd.

I've often tried to figure out what it is that is so wrong with me. A friend reminded me today that I've got no crazy exes in the woodwork, I don't have a brood of kids running wild, and I have a good job. I probably seem too good to be true. Well, I'm not. I'm true, loyal, and a loving person, and I suck at lying, so I don't bother with artifice. You'd be sad sometimes too, if you had all this to offer and you kept getting passed over for trashy women with significant amounts of "baggage". :) Sorry, I had to say what was truly on my mind.

As a writer struggling to get published, rejection letters are supposed to make you stronger, if you're any kind of writer at all. Each one is supposedly a step on the way to the eventual publication of your work. Mmmhmmm. Emotionally, that doesn't work. It starts to make a person feel like poor Oliver Twist, always starving for love instead of gruel. At some point you have to refuse the watery mush, and summon up your courage to go and get food for yourself.

If I've offended anyone, they probably misunderstood my message and my intent. I'm waiting patiently. I see that there are other factors to be considered. There always are other factors to be considered, other people, time constraints, logistics. The one thing that never has been considered in the past is little old me. I can hope that this time will be different, that my inability to hold onto blind faith at this stage of my life won't be held against me. I'm not a perfect person who just breathed into being with no unpleasantness in my life before now. But I have made my way through all on my own and I'm a lot stronger than anyone realizes.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Ow, My Eye!

Genius me, I scratched my eye last night while getting ready for bed. Pain, tears so bad my nose ran most of the night. It's still bothering me (irritated & red) this morning, so I've begged my sister to get me an appointment with my eye doctor right after state testing ends for the day.

I'm concerned about possible infection because of the blood vessels growing into my corneas. That's happened because years of wearing contact lenses has starved my cornea for air. Unfortunately, my glasses are so strong they give me migraines when I wear them.

You know the saying, "Men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses"? I was raised on it because I had to wear glasses from the fourth grade on. It turned out to be true for me, which blows my mind when I see other people with glasses who aren't alone. I took too much teasing over my glasses growing up to ever get over it, I suppose. What can I say, except that when so many people called me ugly (even grownups who should have cared enough not to be so cruel), it finally became a part of my self-image. Thanks for that. I'll never really forget it. Karma's a bitch, just wait and seeeee.

On top of the blood vessel overgrowth, I've got prominent corneal scarring from having radial keratotomy (RK) in 1993, so that adds a possible extra complication.

I realize that RK vision correction surgery seems like a stone-age procedure now, but in the early 90s, Laser eye surgery was nowhere near being perfected and people were being blinded by inept surgeons. RK had a better track record back then. Besides, my dad's health insurance policy covered the cost. Yay Goodyear!

My vision was bad enough that I could only hope for about a 50% improvement longterm, but it was worth it to me. The light sensitivity and the starburst effect on looking at points of light such as stars, I could do without.

But anyway, I have an 11:15 appointment for an exam of my injured eye, and maybe it'll just be a minor injury. I sure do wish I had vision insurance! It's just not offered. *sigh* Apparently good eye health is irrelevant to overall good body health. Go figure. Since it's an injury, though, the ladies at the office say my health insurance should cover the treatment.

I'll say this: the yellow dye they put in my eye to look for corneal damage.....yeeeouch! I swear it was pure iodine!

I got the answer to my bare-it-all last night, and rather than share what is going through me about that now, I'll just say that the only magic I can work is with my hands, not my heart. That's always had such little value to anyone but me.

I still don't know much of anything different and I'm not going to pester him about it.

Speaking of hands, I made labels for wedding bubbles for a friend last week. I also made matching labels for Hershey's Nuggets. :) Why? Just because I wanted to. I had such a lovely feeling of peace while I worked on those bubbles. (My sister helped stick labels on the chocolate, as we were in a rush. It was an impulse decision, and I will admit she got the labels on the candy straighter than I did.) Dressing up the bubbles made me feel … blissfully calm. It felt great to make something pretty for someone else, once again.

Now I want to build cardboard furniture again. I've seen so many artistic designs on the internet lately that it makes my hands absolutely crave the chance to make something whimsical. Or practical. Or whimsically practical and unique.

But first I have to make that very first sacrificial "ugly" piece to get the feel of the craft. Of course… if I mess up horribly, it can always be recycled. If I do well, I can always put them in my classroom. LOL

UPdate on my eye: I managed to not scratch my cornea after all. Just got the white part of my eye pretty badly. With antibiotic drops, it should be healed by Friday.

And I won't have to resort to wearing my glasses. I may have given up hope, but I'm not sinking to that level.

Filling Time

Does anyone else ever get absolutely freaking tired of the MacBook Air's charging antics? I've come to the conclusion that when it is refusing to charge, I need to repeatedly detach and reattach the charger. After a few tries it magically works. Annoying magnetic thing…..

Yes, I'm at home on my bed (by myself, as usual) writing and only able to see out of one eye. More on that in another post. I've been writing longhand because of state testing. NO electronic devices allowed. But nobody said I couldn't do some old-fashioned writing out of my own head, and I've had a lot on my mind that I need to get out. Some of it is thoughts worth sharing. Some of it is just me whining about the usual things that make me sad.

So here goes:

Ugh. My stomach is in a state of rebellion and I have no one to blame but myself. :) I didn't eat a single real meal this weekend because I paid no attention to my needs. I was just busy doing other things like yard work & gardening shopping, so it escaped my notice. I ate a few chips here & there, a few strips of bacon, some almonds, a couple bites of cheese… and coffee. Two cups of coffee this morning, so now my digestive system is paying me back for my horrible eating with a lot of pain.

I hope that my breakfast oatmeal gets my tummy happy again, because it's hurting pretty badly, and not in the usual way too much coffee would bother a person. Lower abdominal pain. Maybe a bit of pain is as far as it'll go today, with the sensation that at some point I swallowed a huge handful of broken glass that's just tumbling around inside me, tearing holes in my flesh. Yeah, not the "usual" stomach pain and I've had that before, for months at a time. Regardless, I have to do some shopping & develop actual meal plans for my weeks.

I know that when school is out, I'll have time to try some things out and get my meal prep routine down. Right now it just seems like I don't even have time to think.

Being early springtime, there's a lot of yard work that I have to do. Mowing has begun & thankfully (to my dad & former brother-in-law) my mower started right up. They installed a fuel cutoff switch to prevent my carburetor from gumming up over the winter. (Which I forgot about until I was almost angry enough to start kicking the mower.) I'm thrilled that the battery cranked. It better -- I just bought a new one last year. :)

On a slightly less encouraging note, I finally let a certain someone know how I really feel, and … well. There's nothing I can do to change his heart (or anyone else's) anyway if it isn't leaning this way, so I'll accept it and go on with my solitary little life unless someone decides that my future life in solitary confinement, being found dead and eaten by my cats when I'm 70, isn't an acceptable fate. I don't really want to have cats. That was a joke. A dark little joke. Laugh, you bastard. You know you want to. You've probably guessed what I wanted to hear, and I didn't quite get that reassurance. What can I do, after all? I'm not a sorceress.

Maybe I just need to be shown I've misunderstood, and it's not bad.

I'll do more writing. I'll paint most of my house's interior. I'll look forward to my trip to the UK next year and I'll work a lot of extra hours so I can help pay for my traveling companions' way.

Italy would have been so much more fun with a friend or relative of my own along to talk to. I wasn't excluded by any means, but I was traveling basically with someone else's family, and my mind kept telling me I was the proverbial 5th wheel.

Maybe I can at least help someone else make some great memories. Sometimes it feels as if that's all I have left in me -- easing someone else's way. It might have been the purpose I was intended for. Still, there's that thought that keeps going through my mind:

"I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."

If I can't have wonderful, I'll make sure that someone else does before I'm abandoned in a nursing home. Maybe that's what I'm here for.

One of the boys in my last class asked me if I'm okay. He said I looked sad. I guess I'll have to be more careful with my mask.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Wrapped in His Arms... :)

I spent three hours in bed this afternoon.... It was glorious. Exactly what I needed to be fulfilled. So decadent... So well deserved. My legs are so sore...

Once my dog stopped playfully bouncing around, I took a two hour nap. It was cold in the house and my comforter was so temptingly warm that I fell into a deep sleep.

It's lovely to be able to take a long nap whenever you need one. I know, I made it sound like I spent the afternoon in someone's arms. Maybe the arms of Morpheus. Lol. But hey, for the right man, I wouldn't say no, as long as he didn't try to keep me from a needed nap.

Ha ha ha! Made ya look!

Naughty? Who me? Oh, maybe Imaginary Me is a naughty girl. Lol

I had intended to go to the gym tonight, but I was so tired, sleepy, and cold I thought I'd take a short nap. Maybe thirty minutes. Well, overshooting the mark by six times probably just means that I needed more sleep than I had believed. It's probably related to my legs, especially my quadriceps, being so sore today.

I'm up to 125 lbs on leg presses, 70 lbs on quad extensions (both legs), and 40 lbs each for single leg extensions. I'm at the "this is a challenge" point on my weightlifting. Complete with the last two reps being painful and requiring me to make some UGLY faces. No grunting. Lol

There are two races I wish I could run in tomorrow, but I still have a week of shin splint pain after each run. Maybe I've got an alignment issue. Maybe I've just got a weak butt. For the past few days I've taken off from the gym, it's been sore. Maybe I'd better stick with 125 pounds for now. Hmm.

While I've been able to keep increasing my weights at a decent speed, I do realize that at some point I'll hit my maximum weights for lifting and then progress will slow. In other words, it'll take me longer to conquer 125 pounds and move to 130 pounds than it did to move from 75 to 80 pounds. Yeah, I got this. I think.

Well.... At least I'm starting to see some changes. They're not the all over instant improvements I'd like, but there's no such thing as fast results unless you're only trying to firm up ten vanity pounds. So, BLEH to the vain!

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Could Have Been the Sushi

I had a good night. Had dinner with my sister and her sons and then I went to the gym, which had blessedly few people because of the nasty storm that was raging outside. I haven't lost any more weight, but I haven't gained any either. There for a while, I was gaining like a beast, but I am getting smaller and I'm starting to see some muscle definition. Calves came first, then my butt, now my thighs, arms, and abs. But my arms were already getting smaller. I can tell by the formerly snug sleeves of my top today.

Some people drop weight like crazy, but I suppose they're losing muscle mass along with the fat and water. I, on the other hand, am lifting heavy weights (as I can handle them) to increase muscle mass and strengthen bones. I may not get lighter, but by golly I'm going to have some lean and strong muscles. :). Don mess wif me. I has tuf!

I wish the gym had a kickboxing class though. :). Zumba just doesn't thrill me.

How long is this (reshaping process) going to take, anyway?? It was like waiting on tonight's episode of Hannibal -- ugh! On the bright side, my afternoon job was cancelled today, so I felt like I had been paroled. I'm just tired of it. The money's nice, but having my afternoons back would be so lovely.

Ah Hannibal.... I'm really enjoying it. Mads Mikkelsen conveys so much unspoken dialogue with his expressions. It's always funny to understand what Lecter is thinking. He's one sick puppy, but so smooth & elegant about it you can't help but like him.

I'll admit that at the end of my workout tonight I became dizzy and nauseated rather suddenly, and I don't know why. It's like my energy drained away, and then I realized I might have to drop the dumbbell and run for the bathroom. Stubborn me finished two more full sets instead, then went to stretch on the floor. And that's when the shaking started.

I think I burned through the limited bit of glycogen I'm able to store and my blood sugar plummeted. It's happened before but not with nausea.

Or it could have been the sushi... Miki did say that the buffet sushi wasn't worth eating, but I kinda liked it.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Bone Weary

I'm really tired today. I think it started with too much thinking about people and things that I should let go of, over the weekend. A few too many sodas, when I haven't been drinking them in several months, not enough water, not enough eating, not eating right, and possibly, quite likely, painting the bathroom trim and doors yesterday.

It took me most of the day to paint. I probably painted on dried but uncured latex paint, and even managed to paint the closet door partially shut. *sigh* That was from my quest to make it look all fresh and clean in there. Now I'll have to sand and refresh to keep the door from sticking further.

I brought my lunch in one of my foam / paper coffee cups, and discovered that once the soup thawed out, I only had about a cup of soup to eat. LOL Not well planned. But hey, at least the bulk of the work in painting the bathroom stuff is done, and I'm glad I painted the bathroom door white, because that bright white paint adds a glowing element to the dark hallway. Plus, it makes the bathroom a lot brighter by not having a dark brown door behind me in the mirror. Yay, good decision, if not well executed.

For the second day in a row, I've awakened feeling as though someone used my kidneys as a punching bag through the night. I suspect that I have a kidney infection, going by the general run-down feeling I'm experiencing today. If I do, I will be taking a few days off work, rather than suffering through the fever, nausea, and all the water I'll have to drink throughout the treatment. And yes, I'll probably blog whiningly from my bed.

Actually, I'm beginning to suspect that if there IS some unseen force of Fate out there which pushes us along to our respective destinies, mine might be simply clearing out all of the social time in my life so that I can do some writing. I've left my story hanging, but I have been thinking about it all of this time. I vacillate between handwritten work and computer typed work. Mainly because I don't want anyone to see my failed attempts or poking through something that isn't polished enough for another person to read.

My imagination is still chewing over the storyline, fleshing out the characters, creating dialogue and speech patterns. Sometimes I dream about what I'm going to write about. Because it's a horrible cliche that someone like me is writing a novel, I don't tell many people that I am doing it. I hate failing. More importantly, I hate being ridiculed for failing. :)

But honestly, sometimes I lose my desire to actually participate in anything involving other people, the world outside my bedroom door, or even outside the landscape of my dreams, so my writing hit a bump and was shelved. I think that my blogging is part of the RDA of writing a certain amount per day, so that it becomes second nature. This is what various books and writing tip websites say, and it is the exact same thing that I was told to do in my fiction writing class as an undergrad. Basically, we were blogging before there was such as thing as publicly accessed internet. I imagine that today's writing class students have to write their thoughts into blogs much the same as this one. I don't know where any of my journal entries wound up -- I suspect they are on an old hard drive somewhere in my house. If I did read any of them, I'd likely be embarrassed about the content anyway, so it's probably better that drivel stay inaccessible and forgotten. LOL

Anyway, back to the story writing…. if I do write something that I think is worthy of being read by others and possibly published, I don't want it to be limited to a single story -- I'd like to create a story that can continue past one simple tale.

Once again, I've been accused of something I never did with someone I haven't seen in close to five years. Wow. I wish my reality was as exciting and titillating as some people's imagination. Truth? I'm rather petulant about rejection. My life has been mostly filled with rejection, which may or may not be the reason I'm hesitant to share what I write, fiction-wise. I don't want to put my heart and completely imaginary fantasy love life in print only to be ridiculed for it. So I don't share. Not me or my person, really. Sad, but true. Oh, and don't you mess with my stuff. I've got issues about that. Lol

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Changing Topography of a Dream

*Disclaimer: Obviously, it is my subconscious still awaiting an answer. My conscious mind, knowing it is rude to ignore responding to a simple, innocent, and friendly question, understands that the absentee answerer has had no problem in the past either ignoring or lying to me. I chose to let it go.

So anyway, the simple act of talking about the tenuous nature of our friendship yesterday made my mind ponder an answer last night in a very long dream. I was invited to, and attended, a rather huge family and friends get-together in my mind, but I would not seek out my friend to ask my question yet again. I will not be that person. Not being given a conclusive answer, I figured it out, and it wasn't optimistic for me.

As it turned out, there was a wedding going on at this at this gathering. Not the sole purpose of it, just a "while we're at it" sort of occasion. Still, I don't like weddings any more than I like bridal showers or baby showers. I decided to leave early without saying hello to my friend at all, and one of his friends gave me the answer I'd been seeking as I left.

As it happened, it was the answer I'd been hoping to hear, but having been withheld from me specifically rather than as a simple thoughtless oversight, I understood that the answer finally did not concern me.

She WAS there, though it would serve nothing, as that tie was being dissolved. She thoroughly insulted me when she saw me, though I have no idea why she would even know me from a random stranger.

I think I'm generally considered to be a friend in concept rather than in practice, with more than just him, of course. Friends you spend time with, not spend your time avoiding, or just for plumping up your Facebook numbers. It's a tenuous connection made with spiderwebs. Some are reinforced by contact, and strong as steel, yet others are so old but unattended they have the tensile strength of a dusty cobweb fluttering in the breeze, almost severed forever. Too many broken cobwebs and a friend drifts away forever lost, even to herself.

I knew it was a dream when the topography of the land changed while i was standing there. Perhaps that's why I dredged up a familiar face to be the common friend when I was alone in a strange place, dealing with growing anxiety. At least it was springtime there, and I could feel cool green grass beneath my bare feet before I began my long drive home.

Even in my dream I realized my subconscious was giving me a gentle dose of reality. It tells me to awaken, manage my (considerable today) physical pain, heed the dog's gentle pleas to go outside, and start a dreary day of putting a bright coat of white paint over the things that trouble me.

Sometimes a coat of whitewash is all you've got.

Sometimes you choose expensive and durable white paint, with the intent to keep the darkness of a forty-year old varnish job covered forever.

And sometimes, you're not just speaking metaphorically -- you really do have to finish painting the bathroom doors and the hideous knotty pine in the kitchen. ;)

I have sufficient courage for the task, having dropped my hints and knowing payback ain't happening. Lol. There are a whopping two episodes of Mads Mikkelsen as Hannibal available to keep me company as I paint. That will have to suffice.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Are You Eating That Metal Thing???

Each morning as I shake up my drink mix in one of my blender bottles, there is inevitably one kid that asks what is the wire spiral sphere in the bottle, and if I'm going to eat / drink / swallow that thing, and what is that pink stuff in the bottle. They've asked similar questions about the alien substance in my bowl, and it makes me wonder if they've never eaten a bowl of oatmeal before.

I mean, really?

I suppose that with Katniss Everdeen being unable to identify the strange white grain she was fed (likely rice), even today's children may not have encountered something as basic and wholesome as old-fashioned oats. How would they flip out if they encountered steel-cut oats, I wonder? :). Such exotic foods.

Sometimes I'm tempted to tell them to I am trying to treat my likely chromium deficiency by yes, slowly dissolving in pink liquid, the wire ball inside the shaker bottle. I may tell that story yet, just for laughs. :D A gullibility litmus test. Did you know the word gullible isn't in the dictionary? Go look and see!

Then I ask them to think about shaking a can of spray paint or bottle of nail polish, and explain what the metal ball inside is doing as they shake it through the separated paint components. It's just an agitator, and we have all experienced the unpleasantness of mixing a powdered drink such as hot chocolate and Kool-Aid (even the "purple Kool-Aid" we are all so fond of, even as adults who should know better), taking a drink, and finding gritty chunks of undissolved powder hitting our teeth.

I tell them it's the spoon to break up the chunks of powder, and understanding dawns ever so slowly across their sleepy morning faces. :)

Then someone asks me what the pink stuff is. Plexus. I'm hoping that the chromium in it will do something to improve my insulin resistance and force my body to use all of that glucose in my bloodstream as muscle fuel instead of storing every last bit in fat and leaving me so tired all of the time.

Because that's what it does. My body ignores insulin, and instead of replenishing glycogen stores in my muscles the way a normal person's does, it turns most of my blood sugar into fat to be stored. The more fat you have, the more insulin is ignored. Burn the fat by exercising? I love that idea! But the muscles are supposed to be burning that glucose as fuel, and they are ignoring the insulin knocking with the bundles of glucose to burn. Then they fatigue fast and I grow fat instead of burning it as muscle fuel. This problem comes hand in hand with chromium deficiency. And dangerously high triglycerides. And inexplicable weight gain. Inevitably, full-blown type 2 diabetes.

I'd like to thank the hometown doctors who never explained the interrelation of ANY factors, as they said only that I needed to lose weight and I'd have to exercise, almost blatantly accusing me of lying about my hours spent sweating at the gym for nearly two years. Could it be that they don't know as much as they are supposed to? "It's not my specialty, so you need to stop reading medical articles on the Internet like you know more than a DOCTOR," being their standard response.

Turns out the gifted endocrinologist is nothing more than a Phentermine pusher. I wonder why he never thought to give me a fasting glucose test. Well, he also glanced at the tumor under my jaw and said it was a goiter, maybe even thyroid cancer. Nowhere near my thyroid. The ENT who removed the tumor was astounded that a real doctor would get it so obviously... Wrong... And not even attempt a biopsy of the golf ball sized growth.

Hey man, did you actually study in med school? How many years ago was that? If teachers have to keep on with continuing education, why don't doctors in our town? Did the evolution of medical science stop when they got their MDs? I do wonder... It's why I'm slowly moving my medical business to more forward thinking cities with doctors who check out things like disfiguring tumors.

Anyway, I did a lot of research about what works on insulin resistance, and I'm giving Plexus a try for a few weeks to see if it helps with my energy levels. (Making them where they should be anyway, with the fuel I have been providing my cells.) If weight loss is a side effect, great. It might just be the logical result of making my cells receptive to insulin once again. I'm sure I won't grow plentiful insulin receptors in just a week, so the experiment may take a couple of months. I hope I have some good results. I'm tired of being tired, despite doing all the right things to NOT be tired, you know?

When someone tells you I'm sweet, now you know just how literally true that is. :). It's probably why pheromone perfume smells musky and perfumy on everyone else, and it smells like a fruit salad on me. I probably even taste sweet, but don't try biting me to find out. I'd take that *really* personally. ;)

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Yorkie Litter Box

I'm awaiting the arrival of a litter box I've ordered for my dog, a Yorkshire Terrier. He's become a bit petulant without a playmate, and spent the last ten minutes gutting his last dolly of the stuffing. I had to take it away because I fear he might swallow the stuffing or that it might have a dangerous fire retardant coating on it.

Yorkies are notoriously difficult to house train, and I'm at my wits' end. He has ruined an entire love seat, top to bottom. The carpets are a disaster. Anywhere he wants to go, he goes, even when I'm home to let him out. He is getting worse as he gets older, and he's only five now.

I changed his food to something with meat as the main ingredient, but I really think that he is resentful that I leave him home alone all day when I work. But what can I do about that? He is confined to the kitchen, and hitting him wouldn't work, not that I would want to. I reach down to pet his head, and he has always cowered away from that, as if someone has hurt him. It wasn't me, anyway. So spanking him and shaming him physically are out of the question.

He is my baby, and having no children in my future, he is mine. I can't see a human beating a child for accidents, so I can't beat my baby for it.

I had to find a way, so I tried researching training Yorkies to use a kitty litter box. I found the litter box I'm going to try instead. No loose kitty litter, and it has sides and scent spray. There are dozens of videos of dogs using the box, so it's worth a try. I'll admit it's amusing that he will lift his leg on the toilet, getting the use of the toilet correct, if not the method, but it still creates a nasty mess.

Please say a prayer that he uses the box!

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Melting Like a Yeti in July

Finally, spring has arrived, approximately one month late. Two days of warm sunshine plus a cold front coming through means severe weather tomorrow night. Probably a tornado, though I hope not.

The gym was pretty warm, but my body turned on the sweat in a hurry anyway because I was running. I was challenging myself to faster speeds pretty early, because I need to get used to it if I ever want to improve my speed. Besides, I realized that running slow causes me to have sloppy (meaning shin splint causing) form, but when I speed up to about 6 mph, I stop flopping my legs around and streamline everything. I don't want to be a slow runner anyway. :)

I had sweat not just dripping off me -- it was pouring off me in little rivulets. My shirt changed colors. Lol. I used the glute machine after that and I could feel my face burning hot and red, but when I put my head down to do the moves, sweat was dripping off faster and faster. It had to look pretty darn funny, with my heart rate beyond my so-called target heart rate. I was definitely close to my max.

Fortunately, I managed not to start coughing and wheezing. I sound pretty pathetic right now, but I can't seem to cough it all out. Still having an allergic reaction to something blooming out there.

Well, I'm not having the instant change I would like to have :) but I do feel stronger. Walking doesn't hurt like it used to and I'm walking straighter, at least. I had noticed before my hips were developing a wobble that I feared would become a waddle. Strength is the key after all. The weight machines I've avoided are precisely the ones I have to work harder on. Maybe I'll put on enough muscle to eventually start burning up some of my fat. :) heaven knows that running alone won't do it and weak muscles make running painful.

Hey... I'm up to 125 lbs on the leg press now. :)

Sunday, April 7, 2013

Unscratchable Itch

Even though it gives me a wheezy cough I just can't shake, weeklong sore throat, and a stuffy head, the thing I hate most about my allergies is the itching. When it starts, it's just at the end of my nose. Spend a lot of time rubbing my nose trying to stop the maddening itch I can't reach. As the problem progresses, my entire sinus cavity starts itching, right behind my face. Again, there's nothing I can do about it except take my usual sinus meds and hope I'll be able to breathe AND sleep simultaneously.

But that isn't the worst part. The worst part comes when the itching has progressed into a bronchial infection. Not only am I coughing hard, wheezing, and hearing sticky stuff rattling around inside my lungs, the itching has reached my bronchial tubes, which manifests as a deepset itching under the skin of my shoulders and my chest.

I blame the Bradford pear trees. They're all over my neighborhood and even in my front yard. The moment those blossoms appear, I'm a mess until they're gone. Spring came in so frigidly this year I think the blossoms are going to stay on the trees extra long just prove they can. Drop already! Give me some leaves and leave off with the pollen already!

I had some weird dreams last night. I took Zzzquil because I really wanted to sleep, and it *kept* me asleep and entertaining myself with strangeness. I'm not even sure what order the dreams came, but I think that the cruise dream came first.

My sister and I were about to get off a cruise ship, and she had the idea that if we stayed on the ship until it left the dock, they'd have to find us a room and we could go on another cruise. I, on the other hand, was nagging her into packing her stuff. Nagging, browbeating, and yelling at her to get her stuff packed. It didn't work. She had a RIDICULOUS amount of stuff she'd brought with her! Quilts, winter clothes, pillows, sheets, weeks of clothes, toys for her kids. Then she'd gone shopping and bought more stuff, but no extra luggage to carry it home in. (Some of this really happened, though, not to this extent. She's generous with souvenirs, and I overdo it with the details in my imagination. Lol)

Her idea was to stow away and get a free cruise; I told her we would be arrested. Turns out that the next cruise was full of politicians. President Clinton was there, and i have no idea why I would put him in a dream. The funny part was that all the people getting off the boat or getting on the boat had to meet in a room that was exactly like my old middle school auditorium. Nothing elegant about that. Not even flashy and tacky. It felt like the church in the last episode of Lost, actually. We were all stuck there.... Waiting on something. Maybe the next cruise with the politicians was going to sink and that's why we had to get off the boat. I think I ended up leaving her there out of frustration. There was no way I was going to tote her excess baggage for her THIS time. Leave it there or carry your own damn stuff. (Maybe I was releasing some of my previously held tension.) Hey, I have enough baggage of my own without taking care of someone else's.

The next part of the dream, I was walking through Fairview Cemetery, using a new app to find my grandparents' graves. (Okay, and my brother's, and a bunch of other dead relatives I'd been searching for.) Sunny and quiet place with a lot of headstones missing. I was walking around lost and confused in the graveyard. When I got to the top of the hill at the back, which used to border the county fairgrounds, the fence was gone. But when I turned to look at the cemetery again, I saw that it was now three layers deep. The first layer where my family was buried was about thirty feet underground and looked like the inside of a deep cave. As the years went by and they ran out of room in the cemetery, they had just piled tons of dirt on top, and compacted the previous levels deep underground. I knew there was no way I'd find the graves I was looking for then. I was too afraid to go in there.

The last part was a chore just trying to get into my neighborhood and go home. These scummy looking people were holding hands in double lines, blocking the road. I wasn't in my car though. I was jogging. At first I though it was some fundraiser drive for charity and planned to give them some money, because they had both entry roads blocked and I just wanted to go home. When I asked them what they were doing, they said one of their buddies wanted to fix up his truck but didn't have the money, so they decided that all his neighbors should pay for it for him. And nobody was getting through until they gave them all of their money. I gave them five dollars, and they tried to rob me. That's when i decided to just go visit my Dad for a while instead of going home.

:) Yeah, weird. I'm sure there's a lot of political symbolism in that set of dreams, and I don't want to examine it too closely anyway. Lots of the "just being used for what you have", abandonment, being the outsider looking in, being lost and confused. Daytime reality intruding on my world of nighttime illusions. Abandonment... Well, when they drop the conversation, it often gives you the answer to a lot of questions you wanted to ask. Let them go... And lock the door behind them, because nothing ever changes for the better in that situation.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Chai in Bed, Day 2

I haven't been to the gym since Wednesday because my allergies dropped into my lungs. I'm coughing again, and you're not supposed to get all out of breath when you're already coughing. Besides, I'd get evil looks from gym people who thought I was bringing something contagious to them.

The cough has taken one day to turn into a bronchial yuckfest. I still have a stuffy nose and itching face, despite my allergy meds, which seem to be depriving me of deep sleep that I need to grow new muscle fibers and kick my allergies.

But I've got Zzzquil, and it was my pal last night. I got a whole six hours of deep sleep. It was like a vacation. I haven't had any true sleep problems for several months, and I was getting used to feeling better. :). So insomnia really frustrated me this week, tossing and turning, feeling like I was burning up with fever. Argh.

I'd rather be sweating at the gym, making some progress, but I've got to get over this cough. I feel tired, so I'm going to give myself more rest and try not to give in to the temptation to bake a small batch of cupcakes or buy one at the coffee shop. I've had some more turkey bacon, and now I'm having some chai. It still isn't as good as one of Brandon's chocolate truffle cupcakes. That man could make a killing if he opened a bakery. I suspect he will still make a lot of money just taking orders. More power to him -- he's a great cook.

I don't know what the problem is with the Celestial Seasonings Chai (India Spice). It doesn't taste very good compared to the Bigelow version, but it might be that the Stevia to Go I used to sweeten this cup just doesn't taste good to me, or I may have brewed the tea too strong.

Two people in the last day have told me they can tell I'm losing / getting smaller. I was wearing some snug stretchy capris yesterday. That may have been the key. Clothes to fit me instead of hiding me. Maybe it is just muscle growing and burning some fat, yet still keeping my weight almost exactly the same. Maybe it was just the tight clothes. I'm nowhere near satisfied, but my calves look awesome. I used to think my Barbie's legs were ideal, and I still picture my calves getting there. :) But I've gotta tell you, old Barbie had some seriously square hips and a flat butt.

Now I think I'll cuddle up all alone in my bed and rewatch the pilot episode of Hannibal, and try to figure out what the heck Mads Mikkelson was saying. Seriously thick accent!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Insulin Resistance & Impossible Weight Loss

Now how could I have forgotten that twelve years ago, my doctor told me I am insulin resistant?

Well, for one thing, he didn't want to put a record of that diagnosis in my medical records "until he had to, so that insurance wouldn't be able to say I had a pre-existing condition. " In the meantime, he told me to cut all carbs from my diet, and that if I wanted to lose weight and keep it off, the ONLY thing that would work would be to run five miles a day, every day, for the rest of my life. (Because he does and he has been thin all of his life.). I'll vet he doesn't know there is a link, because he likely hasn't updated his education in forty freaking years.

Yeah, that makes sense. Well, I wanted to run because I like to run, and so far, it hasn't made me lose weight. Nothing really has. But I came across this article today and realized that may explain my general tiredness no matter what I eat or how much I exercise, muscle fatigue, effortless weight gain when I'm eating very carefully. It also explains my psychotically high triglycerides.

2 years ago, I had to go for a mass blood screening when our health insurance was changed. All of my results were good - fasting blood sugar (it usually is, because I have reactive hypoglycemia), blood pressure, heart rate. But when they measured my triglycerides, the screener totally freaked out. She said the machine stops registering past 650, and my results were off the chart. Meaning, I was a walking corpse with frosting for blood. She got another machine, in case hers was broken. Again way past 650.

So I hit the gym and cut fat and high carb stuff out of my diet and got it down to 350. Still high, but a major improvement. I still wasn't losing weight, despite my three HOURS of daily gym work -weights, three rounds of cardio. Everything was swimming in my vision each day when I left. I thought if they could get great weight loss results that way on The Biggest Loser, surely a bit of that would work for me. After all, it's ALL ABOUT CALORIES, RIGHT? And of course, if you don't lose weight, you must be a gluttonous lazy pig, because strenuous daily exercise and near starvation are GUARANTEED TO WORK FOR EVERYONE.

Oh the hell with that. It's not true unless you are a perfectly normal human. Throw in a family history of diabetes and a doctor who refuses to follow through on his diagnosis (he forgot my name during an exam and tried to get me to say I had changed my name to cover up his screw up with my records -- even charged me for being a "new patient" when he's been treating me for twenty years. Wtf indeed.), and you have a situation like mine, which makes me feel I'm trapped in a nightmare where things work for other people, but absolutely fail for me, mysteriously, for no apparent reason.

But now it is starting to make sense. It doesn't make me feel as if I'm going to win this battle with my weight, but thank God I've never really had to deal with insatiable hunger or thirst. I'm not an overeater. I'm not a lazy sloth. But I am insulin resistant, and now I have a few things to try. Messing with my protein / carb balance is going to create a problem though... Ammonia sweat. Eww. I guess I'll have to deal with it and be more carnivorous.

See? It's hormonal after all.... So I'm gonna start sleeping more... If I don't start to spontaneously combust in the middle of the night. And one more thing -- you'd better love me as I am and stop nagging me about my weight. It's making me angry and unforgiving.

Disclaimer: These problems began when I was a 20 year old, 120 pound college student.  Not a bad weight for a female 5'5" tall.  I was also playing racquetball, walking all over campus, taking weightlifting, and hydrobics, and working two jobs while being a full time student.  Affording groceries was difficult. So you might want to rethink the assumption that I caused this by overeating and being lazy.  Lol.  Undereating and stretching myself too thin were the culprits.  Cheers.  ;)