*Disclaimer: Obviously, it is my subconscious still awaiting an answer. My conscious mind, knowing it is rude to ignore responding to a simple, innocent, and friendly question, understands that the absentee answerer has had no problem in the past either ignoring or lying to me. I chose to let it go.
So anyway, the simple act of talking about the tenuous nature of our friendship yesterday made my mind ponder an answer last night in a very long dream. I was invited to, and attended, a rather huge family and friends get-together in my mind, but I would not seek out my friend to ask my question yet again. I will not be that person. Not being given a conclusive answer, I figured it out, and it wasn't optimistic for me.
As it turned out, there was a wedding going on at this at this gathering. Not the sole purpose of it, just a "while we're at it" sort of occasion. Still, I don't like weddings any more than I like bridal showers or baby showers. I decided to leave early without saying hello to my friend at all, and one of his friends gave me the answer I'd been seeking as I left.
As it happened, it was the answer I'd been hoping to hear, but having been withheld from me specifically rather than as a simple thoughtless oversight, I understood that the answer finally did not concern me.
She WAS there, though it would serve nothing, as that tie was being dissolved. She thoroughly insulted me when she saw me, though I have no idea why she would even know me from a random stranger.
I think I'm generally considered to be a friend in concept rather than in practice, with more than just him, of course. Friends you spend time with, not spend your time avoiding, or just for plumping up your Facebook numbers. It's a tenuous connection made with spiderwebs. Some are reinforced by contact, and strong as steel, yet others are so old but unattended they have the tensile strength of a dusty cobweb fluttering in the breeze, almost severed forever. Too many broken cobwebs and a friend drifts away forever lost, even to herself.
I knew it was a dream when the topography of the land changed while i was standing there. Perhaps that's why I dredged up a familiar face to be the common friend when I was alone in a strange place, dealing with growing anxiety. At least it was springtime there, and I could feel cool green grass beneath my bare feet before I began my long drive home.
Even in my dream I realized my subconscious was giving me a gentle dose of reality. It tells me to awaken, manage my (considerable today) physical pain, heed the dog's gentle pleas to go outside, and start a dreary day of putting a bright coat of white paint over the things that trouble me.
Sometimes a coat of whitewash is all you've got.
Sometimes you choose expensive and durable white paint, with the intent to keep the darkness of a forty-year old varnish job covered forever.
And sometimes, you're not just speaking metaphorically -- you really do have to finish painting the bathroom doors and the hideous knotty pine in the kitchen. ;)
I have sufficient courage for the task, having dropped my hints and knowing payback ain't happening. Lol. There are a whopping two episodes of Mads Mikkelsen as Hannibal available to keep me company as I paint. That will have to suffice.