Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Filling Time

Does anyone else ever get absolutely freaking tired of the MacBook Air's charging antics? I've come to the conclusion that when it is refusing to charge, I need to repeatedly detach and reattach the charger. After a few tries it magically works. Annoying magnetic thing…..

Yes, I'm at home on my bed (by myself, as usual) writing and only able to see out of one eye. More on that in another post. I've been writing longhand because of state testing. NO electronic devices allowed. But nobody said I couldn't do some old-fashioned writing out of my own head, and I've had a lot on my mind that I need to get out. Some of it is thoughts worth sharing. Some of it is just me whining about the usual things that make me sad.

So here goes:

Ugh. My stomach is in a state of rebellion and I have no one to blame but myself. :) I didn't eat a single real meal this weekend because I paid no attention to my needs. I was just busy doing other things like yard work & gardening shopping, so it escaped my notice. I ate a few chips here & there, a few strips of bacon, some almonds, a couple bites of cheese… and coffee. Two cups of coffee this morning, so now my digestive system is paying me back for my horrible eating with a lot of pain.

I hope that my breakfast oatmeal gets my tummy happy again, because it's hurting pretty badly, and not in the usual way too much coffee would bother a person. Lower abdominal pain. Maybe a bit of pain is as far as it'll go today, with the sensation that at some point I swallowed a huge handful of broken glass that's just tumbling around inside me, tearing holes in my flesh. Yeah, not the "usual" stomach pain and I've had that before, for months at a time. Regardless, I have to do some shopping & develop actual meal plans for my weeks.

I know that when school is out, I'll have time to try some things out and get my meal prep routine down. Right now it just seems like I don't even have time to think.

Being early springtime, there's a lot of yard work that I have to do. Mowing has begun & thankfully (to my dad & former brother-in-law) my mower started right up. They installed a fuel cutoff switch to prevent my carburetor from gumming up over the winter. (Which I forgot about until I was almost angry enough to start kicking the mower.) I'm thrilled that the battery cranked. It better -- I just bought a new one last year. :)

On a slightly less encouraging note, I finally let a certain someone know how I really feel, and … well. There's nothing I can do to change his heart (or anyone else's) anyway if it isn't leaning this way, so I'll accept it and go on with my solitary little life unless someone decides that my future life in solitary confinement, being found dead and eaten by my cats when I'm 70, isn't an acceptable fate. I don't really want to have cats. That was a joke. A dark little joke. Laugh, you bastard. You know you want to. You've probably guessed what I wanted to hear, and I didn't quite get that reassurance. What can I do, after all? I'm not a sorceress.

Maybe I just need to be shown I've misunderstood, and it's not bad.

I'll do more writing. I'll paint most of my house's interior. I'll look forward to my trip to the UK next year and I'll work a lot of extra hours so I can help pay for my traveling companions' way.

Italy would have been so much more fun with a friend or relative of my own along to talk to. I wasn't excluded by any means, but I was traveling basically with someone else's family, and my mind kept telling me I was the proverbial 5th wheel.

Maybe I can at least help someone else make some great memories. Sometimes it feels as if that's all I have left in me -- easing someone else's way. It might have been the purpose I was intended for. Still, there's that thought that keeps going through my mind:

"I would rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special."

If I can't have wonderful, I'll make sure that someone else does before I'm abandoned in a nursing home. Maybe that's what I'm here for.

One of the boys in my last class asked me if I'm okay. He said I looked sad. I guess I'll have to be more careful with my mask.

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