Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Maybe I'm Wrong

Cue Depeche Mode's "Wrong". Awesomely creepy video, BTW. For the record, I was actually born under a good sign, with everything in the right ascendancy and the like. I looked it up, once upon a time.

I've been asleep for several hours already today / tonight. When I have something weighing depressingly on my mind, my brain tells me to go to sleep. Sometimes it just outright takes over and knocks me out the minute I get still. A reboot, I suppose.

I've been worrying myself since yesterday morning about something I have no control over. It has led to some tears and to some self-doubt. Earlier I was thinking, well, now you've done it; you've been honest about your feelings and that was likely the nail in the coffin.

I woke up feeling horribly depressed but I think I have a handle on it now. I realized some things.

If what I said, whether it was in a private message, in a personal conversation, or even a prior blog post was the one thing that makes someone decide once and for all that they don't want me in their life, they must not have wanted me in the first place. I mean, if all it takes is one excuse, one unhappy thought, one misconstrued comment to turn someone away, they were looking for a reason already because they didn't have strong enough interest / feelings / love or whatever for me.

Why can't I keep that in my brain, along with my reminders to be patient? I've been waiting for fifteen years, so surely I can admonish myself to wait another month and a half to get an answer. What I have a hard time with, is keeping my thoughts positive with no encouragement.

I get sad. I'm a hormonal middle-aged woman, though my brain does not want to accept that fact. Sometimes the best medicine is simply a hug, but oh no! Don't expect anyone to give you that hug if you've been sad! (Gee, does THAT not make any sense.)

There's a way to make my peace with what the often-disappointed side of me insists is a foregone conclusion of rejection. However… there is still a part of me that says to be patient, and provide that already requested waiting time. It says that surely I can't be destined for a lifetime of being alone, or being possessed by yet another abusive man in my life.

You see, there is a choice. I could have married a couple of the men I dated, but there were three (okay, maybe more if I admit it) that were downright abusive to me. One that said things to kill my self esteem, another that was hidden violent psycho, and another was obvious about wanting to kill his rather meek and mousy girlfriend (me) in a violent way just to give him a thrill. (And he's out there to 'protect and serve", by the way. Don't YOU feel safe now?)

Other than the first one who was constantly messing with my head, the other two I got away from by the second incidents. Yes, I second-guessed myself after the first incidents with each, not trusting my own intuition that I wasn't imagining unprovoked violence simmering beneath the surface.

I didn't want to be stuck in a marriage like that, so I backed away and ran the moment I got the chance. It took me years to accept that I didn't cause them to be so psychotic. And I was afraid of my psycho-attracting penchant so I remained in solitary confinement for a long time after each. It's what I do. I become a hermit, even though I need to be around people.

And my status as a never-married, childless woman seems so suspicious to any man I'd want to date. "You don't have any kids and you've never been married What's WRONG with you?!?!" Uh, I dunno. ("Here's your sign!!!") Low tolerance for bullcrap, violent men, users, and deadbeats? Oh yeah, I like smart men too. That's a rare commodity in my area. And men who aren't missing several of their teeth are pretty awesome to me too. Bathe and tend to your grooming. Don't sleep around. "Don't lie down with the dogs and you won't wake up with fleas." Yikes, you think my standards are too high?

It's like being a lady. If you have to tell people you're a lady, you're not a lady. If you have to engage a woman in an intellectual pissing contest of "I'm smarter than you", then you're not smarter than she is. Hint - I don't have to be smarter, and I can tell when a man is smarter than me. I'm not threatened by it. But you better not treat me like I'm stupid. :) That'll get my panties all in a twist and I remember that foolishness. You want to be dominant, that's a whole different thing, Mr. Alpha Male.

I just mean, have some respect for me as an intelligent person. I didn't get where I am by dropping out of high school stoned out of my gourd.

I've often tried to figure out what it is that is so wrong with me. A friend reminded me today that I've got no crazy exes in the woodwork, I don't have a brood of kids running wild, and I have a good job. I probably seem too good to be true. Well, I'm not. I'm true, loyal, and a loving person, and I suck at lying, so I don't bother with artifice. You'd be sad sometimes too, if you had all this to offer and you kept getting passed over for trashy women with significant amounts of "baggage". :) Sorry, I had to say what was truly on my mind.

As a writer struggling to get published, rejection letters are supposed to make you stronger, if you're any kind of writer at all. Each one is supposedly a step on the way to the eventual publication of your work. Mmmhmmm. Emotionally, that doesn't work. It starts to make a person feel like poor Oliver Twist, always starving for love instead of gruel. At some point you have to refuse the watery mush, and summon up your courage to go and get food for yourself.

If I've offended anyone, they probably misunderstood my message and my intent. I'm waiting patiently. I see that there are other factors to be considered. There always are other factors to be considered, other people, time constraints, logistics. The one thing that never has been considered in the past is little old me. I can hope that this time will be different, that my inability to hold onto blind faith at this stage of my life won't be held against me. I'm not a perfect person who just breathed into being with no unpleasantness in my life before now. But I have made my way through all on my own and I'm a lot stronger than anyone realizes.

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