Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Running Off a Cliff

I ran this afternoon. It seems that here in the south, we skipped springtime and went straight to summer. It was 80 this evening when I tried to run, and it made running miserable with no shade anywhere.

My hips hurt. My back hurts. My neck hurts. My shins hurt. And more importantly, my feet hurt. All of this the entire time I attempted to run. My app had me set to warm up for five minutes and then run two miles without walking.

Then I started having problems breathing, anxiety set in, then I REALLY had trouble breathing and my stamina drained away. (Before I realized there was a two mile nonstop segment in there.). It was actual shortness of breath that made my breathing freeze up.

Why is it that I can do the fat burner program for 33 minutes nonstop, drippy-sweating and breathing hard, on the elliptical trainer, but running for a half mile outside nearly kills me? I don't even have such a hard time doing the same thing on the treadmill. But outside, real running, one obstacle crops up and I'm hurting so much I want to quit before I've finished the first mile.

I couldn't finish running it, but I damn well forced myself to WALK the rest of the 3.2 miles. I physically hurt the whole time, and it crushed my spirit so badly that I cried through the other two miles. Well, I'm sure the anxiety attack was responsible for part of it. I'm not sure I ever want to run again. And I don't want anyone to see me looking like this and unable to change my body no matter how hard I work and how perfectly cleanly I eat and count calories.

I'm now taking two weight loss supplements and they aren't really working for me, though they work great for other people. There's nothing / no program / no guarantee that worked for you! that works for everyone, and I'm beginning to believe that for some people, nothing will ever work.

I got out of my car at home after my failed attempt to run slowly, and my left foot feels as though it is broken. Putting my weight on it just to hobble inside was excruciating and it brought tears to my eyes.

Want to know what my heart rate was doing? More than triple my resting heart rate. I saw 182, and it wouldn't surprise me to see 190+. Maybe I'll just keel over and die someday and people will of course understand that I'm just trying to make myself acceptable in their eyes.

It's nothing new for me to be overly stressed, anxiety-ridden, and crippled by a serious depression this time of year, but I have absolutely no avenue to counteract it. I don't have any medications to calm me, I can't sleep, I'm exhausted, I have no life outside of work (well, except for imaginary me who is having a whirlwind affair with a married man I haven't seen in over five years.), and students have the mistaken notion that for the next three weeks, anarchy will reign at school. I'm drawing a line and daring them to cross it, while still trying to be sweet to the good ones. And when I go home, I spend hours in my bed, crying uncontrollably. Sometimes it happens at work too, but I can hide it except for my red eyes that makes my irises look a shocking bright green by contrast.

I have nothing to look forward to. I can't even see the new kittens I'm financing because their darn mother won't bring them out of hiding. :( and I love kittens. They're so sweet and bouncy.


  1. Somehow it seems as if you use way too much of your time,thoughts and worries about your shape !! I guess you`re the type(I know too well! Moi) that will never feel really satisfied about own person...But running around in public would make me feel terrible and thinking that everyone is watching with a mix of "omg! look that wannabe-runner" , "as if!.." and "gran on the ran"..haha..but though it would only, maybe, be in my head..I would not feel comfortable!! Some people are "body-people" and they feel in touch with themself, but I am more a heart/brain type, feeling and thinking too much.
    So, my tip for you:
    Put some cool music on, Adam Ant, for example, and dance as crazy as you like!!
    Eat a bunch of anti-calories as carrots etc.
    Go..go!..for walks..enjoy the nature,the surroundings!

  2. I'm diabetic, and feel horrible physically, so I'm trying to lose weight nd get fit. I run around my workplace in the evening when it is deserted, and sometimes at the park. Usually on the treadmill a the gym. Unless one of my friendly coworkers comes in, I'm pretty much invisible to all at the gym. Only a couple of staff members have ever spoken to me there.

  3. It's okay that I'm invisible, though I've been known to speak up and assist newbies who are struggling to get the elliptical trainer started. :).

  4. At this point in my life, there's not a soul checking me out anyway, so I'm just doing it all for the sake of cutting back some of my own pain. I'm not expecting anyone to notice me anymore. Couldn't attract notice if my hair was on fire. Lol

  5. Na..!! Dont say so,hunny!!! You attract notice by the way you write and share your life and thoughts with us!! Since I stumbled over your blog, I look forward to read new stuff from you!!! Not because I love to know how bad you feel etc. but because you write in such a catchy style with humour and drama, fun and carisma!!!!
    Its people like you its a bless to know !!