Sunday, May 5, 2013

Seven Pound Millstone

I've been taking a weight loss supplement. Added a second companion one last week that s supposed to boost weight loss. Know what? I stepped on the scale in the clinic at work to discover that I have gained SEVEN pounds in one week.

I'm hoping that this is a disparity between the triple-beam-balance type scale that the nurse uses as a coat rack, and the electronic scale at the gym. Maybe it needs to be recalibrated after being abused every day all winter for the length of her tenure in that office. Maybe I really did gain seven pounds. I don't think it's muscle, since I've been skipping the gym due to a high-leg / hip socket injury. Then I hurt my foot on the other side running outside on Wednesday. Walking alone has been a challenge.

Now, if I've gained seven pounds I'm not going to scream that it's all the fault of the supplements. I've seen the other people using them with impressive success. And they tell me they aren't living in the gym like I apparently aspire to.

Did you hear that whoosh, as several of my friends left the page at the mention of gym and exercise? LOL

I know, it's not a juicy enough topic to keep a reader around if they aren't interested in fitness. I write about it in order to have a concrete record of what I've tried and the resulting injuries / failures. Some days I need to be reminded that I'm REALLY TRYING HARD, and people who snidely suggest that I'm not doing enough, or doing it wrong, or generally feel the need to be negative toward me in order to lift themselves, are full of crap.

I'm not going to ask anyone's forgiveness for trying to improve my health. If I did that, I'd eventually have to forgive them for deliberately sabotaging their own health. And their health is not my personal business, though I'm going to continue to suggest that they stop smoking. Why? That IS my personal health at stake when they are blowing an aerosolized concentration of over 600 carcinogenic chemicals into my breathing airspace. They don't care if they give themselves cancer, but I DO CARE that they are making that choice for me.

I don't have to live forever, but I do want my years to be mine unfettered by an oxygen tank. I watched my mother's final moments as she died painfully from emphysema and COPD. I saw something horrible that no one else saw about her death. I watched her drown. Things changed suddenly in those last ten minutes. It wasn't peaceful.

Anyway, I'm going to try something different in order to get all my nutrients in. These last few weeks, I have mismanaged my one so horribly that food prep time is nonexistent. I've been tired all of the time (so much for the supplement's energy boost), and I haven't wanted to eat most days. I forget to go buy fresh fruit to snack on, but I don't want it anyway.

It seems as if it is the same story every year at this time. End of year teacher stress & anxiety. Plus another little personal problem I've got to make my peace with. Put those together and all of my routines for daily life fall apart in a sort of "I don't wanna!" attitude about everything from eating to laundry to mowing the yard. All I really want to do is sleep, but then I wake up with no clean clothes and my dad shows up to shame me by mowing my knee high yard, and I begrudgingly go about the minimum number of chores to keep things running. (Dad is trying to be a good dad and help his pathetic daughter, but I feel an extreme amount of guilt that he is doing sweaty work on my behalf. The shamed feeling is all my own doing.)

It's all my own fault, likely, if I look closely enough. But like I said, I don't wanna.

No comments:

Post a Comment