Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Patience

I miss him.  I still love him, and that's not going to change anytime soon.  He told me to be patient, and then he stopped talking to me.  Either I don't exist or I'm being tested.  I can't figure out which it is, only that there was no reason to choose to treat me like that.  He knows me well enough to understand exactly how badly that would hurt me.  He's always known, and he chose it anyway.  I suppose I'll gain some perspective from all this, while it comes with a massive dose of disillusionment.

It feels like I just woke up in the real world hidden by the Matrix.  Not that the reality I held was bright at all, but what little hope I had is dead in a dead world.  It wasn't holding on by much before, just that tiny gossamer thread that was snipped.  

I'm considered to be a doormat, but I'm not going to argue about it nor accept it.   You can enjoy your harpyish screaming matches at each other all you want, but I won't participate.  I'm going to enjoy the silence that comes with an absence of drama.  Some people crave drama like a drug they're addicted to, and are too ashamed to admit they can't live without it.  Others gain that peaceful quietness -- a rare gift they didn't know they needed to grieve.  

Grieving is the only way I know to describe it.  It feels like part of me has died, and it gives me a fresh reminder of all the other people I have lost from my life.  Some die and you're torn up forever over the things you never did for them.  Others die and you're always hurting over the smallest of things that they would never do for you, because it wasn't convenient for them or didn't benefit them personally. 

But honestly, who would have expected that telling someone you love them would make them turn their back on you?  It's not an insulting or frightening thing to hear, so why run away, even if you can't say it? They're only words.  

Abandoning someone because they tell you that they love you is messed up on so many levels.

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