Friday, August 23, 2013

Wrapped Around Your Finger

(Not just the name of one of my favorite Police songs.)

I watched Anna and the King again tonight, once again regretting that I did when the execution scene occurred.  Horrible and gut-wrenching every time.   

I hate tragic endings, no matter how beautifully they are staged for celluloid or history books. Perhaps it is because I suspect I'm destined for one myself.  I suppose I do believe in destiny after all, and it isn't of the happily glittery and bespangled Hollywood variety.  

In short, reality sucks and I'm wearing my beloved purple now.  

The older I get, the harder it is for me to squelch the hideous faces I make as I try not to cry.  The tears will come, so it's probably best that I just let 'em go and dismiss those who laugh at me for crying.  I'm human after all.

As a distraction, I reread a favorite fan fiction short story called "Wrapped Around Your Finger".  It's very well written, and it erases an unhappy fictional destiny that bothers me still.  Being a Harry Potter fan, I read the last book of the series in the first 24 hours that it had been for sale, without stopping to sleep, and when I finished reading, cried until I was literally sick over Severus Snape's death. 

Yep, I vomited.  He never had a chance to have any kind of a happy life, and darn it, I knew all along that he was never the bad guy! I identified with that.  And he was my favorite character.  I just knew there was an awfully sad reason for that snarky persona. 

It just delineates my fear that, because life is inherently unfair (as we all know), even the most noble and self-sacrificing will watch the undeserving live lives filled with happiness while they get beaten down. 

So I'm rather attached to this story in which Snape lives and has some semblance of a positive ending.  It's rather dark, being an adult story, but there is an element of romance swirling through the darkness, though a tiny bit twisted.  

I promise, there are no vampires, though my own dark side enjoys tales about them as well.

In the story, Severus muses on the significance of a name.  I've always heard that it is very bad luck for a woman to marry a man with the same last initial as her maiden name.  I still catch myself murmuring the alphabet as I twist the stem of an apple.  Wishful thinking, I suppose.  It generally pops out on the same letter, which makes me smile because it's his last name initial, and I don't seem to exist for him anymore. It humors the abandoned, love struck little girl inside of me for a brief moment, and then I chastise myself for being so silly.

I still want Snape to have a happy ending.  And me too.  Darn it.  

Maybe I inadvertently cursed myself along those lines for loving someone with first and middle names already so significant in my life. My two brothers shared those names, though only one lived. A stepbrother shared the name of my deceased brother, though I never met him.  He died in a car accident before I met him.  It was also the name of my first crush, which ended, of course, with me being crushed. (Don't get me wrong, he didn't do that TO me, it was just a natural consequence of me not being the object of his desire.  He's still a very nice guy.)  My first real boyfriend shared the name with my living brother and my nephew.  Yeah, he dumped me too, but that was in 6th grade, and I'm so over it. *sniffle* 

Just kidding.  About the sniffling, I mean. I am over that.  Other bad endings (I *guess* he ended it? But how can I be sure other than the rather obvious sign of abandoning me.... again?) .... Not so much over them.

Maybe I was double dipping into the name repository of the universe and I should avoid romantic interest in men with either of those names.  

Actually, it would be easier on my spirit to give up on the romantic mumbo-jumbo entirely.  I'm not any good at it.  At least, I'm not any good at meekly accepting that I'm just here to be used and abused.  Tired of that. Some women have a never-ending stream of suitors flocking to them.  And some of us never do.

At least someone gets their happy ending tonight.  My dog is begging to go for a walk, so I'll end his night on a gleeful note by obliging him.

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