Saturday, November 23, 2013

He's Not Your Boyfriend

You know that guy who texts you on Friday night and Saturday night, around eight or 9 o'clock? Yeah, he's not your boyfriend, but he will keep you company "later," if he has nothing better to do, after he's had a few beers.  Always remember his generosity to you.

He's calling to make sure that you're not out with someone else, having a good time, because you certainly aren't used to that.  He wants to be sure that you are not widening your social circle, so that he will seem like a really good option. Oh, he's also wanting to wreck your social time with other people, if possible.  

He assumes that you couldn't possibly be out without him, except that he's never taken you out, he never intends to take you out, and he can't fathom that anyone else would ever want to take you out. He's perfectly comfortable with dropping by your place, and expecting you to spend your time at home with him, doing whatever activity would make him happy.  I'll leave that to your imagination.

Don't worry that you look like a hag, or that you're not dressed to the nines, because he doesn't really care what you look like, as long as you're not out with other people. It won't deter him from putting the moves on you, even if you tell him not to bother trying.  If you're sad, he'll be the guy who brings you lots of alcohol to help you forget all of your worries so that you can pay attention to him. What a guy!

He will, of course, offer the hospitality of his place to you, for a couple of hours.  If you come to where he lives, even better, because he won't have to bother driving. Aww, you know it isn't that he thinks you're not worth the gas money. He just wants to inspire you by showing you what he's done with the place!  He has completely redesigned the closets, after all, and he will gladly offer suggestions about what you can do to remodel yours. 

There's plenty of encouragement that you can make your closets more efficient, all by yourself without any help from him, because you are such a capable person.  After all, you don't have to borrow tools from anybody now that you know that you can go to Lowe's and find them all by yourself. If you wear some sexy clothes and doll yourself up completely, you might even garner enough attention for the Tool World staff to notice you perusing every rack for answers, and they might even assist you while you wander blindly, looking for carpentry skills to purchase. (You would have rocked the world with your Contractor Barbie!)

Being so capable, you might even figure out where to safely store all of those tools you purchased in your tiny place. You could even remodel your home by yourself, with his mere approval, so that you might have all the extra rooms he has.  Admit it, you've outgrown the amusing novelty of shoehorning a laundry room, kitchen, pantry, and dining room into a space the size of his bathroom.  

And later on, his verbal help and brainpower will obligate you to do things for him.  Words, after all, are worth so much more than actual physical labor.  Ideas are more important than implementation. Just ask any engineer.

Don't forget how excited you are, when he texts you in the middle of a rare evening out, to tell you all the details about the new cookware he's bought himself.  Just listen to all the wonderful things he's going to cook for other people. Aren't you lucky to know what a fantastic cook he is?  It's so great to know people who have fabulous skills, who are thoughtful enough not to bother you with demonstrating them for you.  

Such a sweet guy, not to bother you with by interfering while you show your independence by doing it all with no help.  I'm sure he would treat a daughter the same way so that she would never need to rely on any man. I'll bet he would even let potential sons-in-law know that the secret to a woman's love is not drawing any attention to her birthday, so that she won't have to remember she's just getting old.  

"Shh! Don't even mention it to her! It draws double attention if you mention that her birthday falls on a romantic holiday! Better just ignore the date completely, to spare her feelings! She's so sensitive about this birthday thing! Best to just ignore it!"

He will, however, willingly make that sacrifice himself, so that you can stay in practice for buying him gifts.  And don't forget, you do owe him, for all the things he's done for you, such as gracing you with his presence for a couple of hours at a time.

Maybe I was wrong about the boyfriend thing.  He actually sounds like husband material with all these attributes. What a prince!

(You DO understand irony, don't you?)

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