Friday, November 15, 2013

Personal and kinda icky

Hey, I warned you.  Gross girl stuff ahead.

My new robe and slippers finally arrived.  I'm wearing the robe right now, over my clothes. :). The truth is, I can't stay warm these days. The house thermostat is set at 72°, but I'm shivering.  Hence, the robe.

I'm really enjoying the robe, despite the whiny complaint in the product reviews that it is too thin.  Thin?  Holy cow, it's the thickest robe I've ever put on.  It compares quite well with the one in my London hotel room that I used as a blanket atop the down comforter... In July.  

Well, I was rather unexpectedly sick.  

I put the robe on and in minutes, I'm sleeping deeply.  It's something about the weight -- I always sleep hard when I'm under heavy covers.  

Growing up it was the only way for me to keep warm in my cold north bedroom.  North side of the house, I mean, and someone put the storm windows back up incorrectly after washing them, so there were large cracks where the wind blew in and ice on the insides of my windows all winter.  My family laughed at me for wrapping up like a mummy and piling on blankets, but I was always unbearably cold and kept catching colds and bronchitis.

Let's chalk the window problem up to incompetence rather than malevolence, shall we?  I could go on and on with my suspicions otherwise.  I finally covered the cracks in the windows with duct tape to seal out the cold, and that made ... someone... very angry.

So anyway, I'm a cold bedroom, warm blanket kind of girl these days, but it's not cold enough to form ice inside the room -- merely cool.

Of course, no matter how cool my bedroom is at night, it doesn't help when I wake up between 4 and 5 am soaked in sweat from my head to my toes.  It's not the comforter causing a one-hour problem, because I kick off the covers if I get too hot, and I'd be hot for longer than an hour if that was the case.  Call the episodes what they are -- night sweats.  They have to be -- I've been having crazy mood swings too, and now I'm having a really bad reproductive problem. Not to mention random heart palpitations several times a day.

I just got my period for the second time in three weeks.  Basically, I had one week off and it came again, only worse, more painful, and with a lot more of the warning signs that something is wrong in there.  I've even had fever and nausea and dizziness.   My abdomen is noticeably swollen and I had to put on roomier pants because the top of my pants hurts too much when it presses against my belly.  

It's too bad I can't ask my mother what she went through.  She's gone now, but I did ask her sometime before she died, and she refused to tell me anything related to female reproduction in her life.  She wasn't embarrassed -- she was always willing to give too many details in the past -- she just huffily stated that she didn't remember ANYTHING about it, tossed her head back, crossed her arms, and refused to talk to me.  I don't know what little thing I did to displease her, but I've always lacked a true motherly influence.  *sigh* Always too many strings (her) and traps (the other one) attached to the masquerade of caring motherhood.  

Actually, I was having one of those bad (really gross, so I won't tell here) symptoms for a few years already, but I didn't know that it was unusual or dangerous.  Funny how my doctor never asked me about any specific symptoms.  He just wanted to do the bare minimum exam to collect his fee.  I suppose he needed his patients to get out fast so he could have more time to butcher women in surgery.  Now I'm slightly worried about fibroid tumors, endometrial cancer, and organ adhesions from internal scar tissue.  

I asked him the last time in his office (before he turned into Sweeny Todd) about the lack of urine tests and he said that nothing can be checked for with a urine test.

Huh?  How about pregnancy? Urinary tract infections? Kidney stone residue and chemicals? High blood sugar? (He knows I'm diabetic, for Pete's sake.)

Actually, I've suspected for a while I have kidney stones, because of the pain wrapping around from my lower back to the front, even when I'm not close to having my period.  Monday, my class saw me wince and gasp in pain. When it felt like someone stabbed me right in the kidney.  With an ice pick.  

And yes, there's a family history of kidney stones. The kind that grow to centimeters in size, branch out, and can't be passed through normal means such as flooding with water. *sigh*. I've been dealing with that stabbing pain for a long time now because I dismissed it as a random unimportant pain.  But PAIN it is.  Reclining sideways on the couch hurts after a few minutes and it feels like something is being painfully pinched in there, on either side depending on position.  Okay, sitting up actually hurts too, but I can't lie flat all day.  Running is impossible right now as well.

But I've got to find a new doctor.  One who will investigate these problems. One who, at least, won't tell me that I'm too young for all this; that it's my imagination, now go away and pay my bill.

So... I'm hoping that I can be fixed some simple way, and not have to resort to a hysterectomy.  I had been making peace with the fact that I'm probably too old to hope for my own children anymore, but I don't want that option taken away absolutely and forever. Not while there is still the faintest possibility... I still keep hoping for a miracle, that somebody might want to be with me.  I tend not to believe in things I can't see, and love has been missing for a very long time.  It may make me kind of bitchy in the future.

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