Monday, December 2, 2013

S.A.D.

So, I'm home from work and I noticed that the minute I walked in the door, my mood started dropping.  It starts with a dragging feeling that spreads down through my legs, and works it's way back up with that anxious internal trembling that feels similar to the panicked feeling of a hypoglycemic episode.  

Really? I'm getting depressed and anxious by the simple act of coming into my house??? I don't know what's going on there but I doubt it's my blood sugar, because I'm drinking beet juice and it's not changing a thing.  

Yes, I said beet juice (they're high in sugar), because I'm back to my juicing again.  Frankly, I felt better during my three months of juicing this summer.  I had energy to exercise and run, and I felt happier and more alive.  I also didn't have any stomach pain while I was juicing, but the minute I started eating full meals again, the pain returned.  *sigh*. My belly swelled up again.  And then the girly stuff got weird.  Really weird.  Scary weird.  I'm still going to have that checked into.  

I'm still in my two-sizes-smaller pants from my first juice fast.  By Christmas, I'd like to lose another two pants sizes.  I'm not sure if I can make it happen that fast, but hopefully in another couple of days my green juice will start energizing me again.  

Right now I feel like a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.  As in, peel me off the ceiling if this feeling doesn't pass quickly, because I'll be up there crying my eyes out with my nails clawed into the Sheetrock as I defy gravity. I don't know what is causing this; maybe I'm just afraid to go home to my empty and quiet house.  My dog is here, and the cats are outside, but neither is a remedy for the freaked-out, terrified feeling I get coming home.  

If my house is haunted by the lady who died in it a month before I bought it, I think I would have noticed it twelve years ago.  :). I'm pretty sure this is all me.  Maybe it's because  Christmas is approaching and I'm dreadfully lonely all through such a happy family holiday.  I don't have a family of my own, and my family has better things to do than be around me.  

Ah, Christmas... The best time to look back on your life and see what is glaringly absent and beyond your control.  I'm working on making peace with it, but it's not a quick and painless process.  

So, what can I do? Drink my beet juice and Mean Green (merely a catchy nickname because of the icky color -- I like the taste), turn on all the lights in the house, and make sure the place is very warm.  It could just be seasonal depression on top of my usual ups and downs.  (Seasonal Affective Disorder. I need a lot more light than what I'm getting.). I hate coming home in the dark.  I get up in the dark, and come home in it.  But there are no sexy vampires in the darkness to make it the least bit entertaining.  

I've started taking an oil painting class as a means of distraction... Before I'm driven to distraction by the darkness.  I miss the sun.  I really do.  

I know the juice is starting to do its thing, because I'm going to the bathroom more frequently, but in all seriousness, the volume of urine is just not matching up to the amount of fluid I've been taking in.  (So it's not peeing I'm talking about, LOL)  Some people complain that the first days of juice fasting gives them diarrhea, but not me.  I'll just put it this way:  with me, my digestive system does it's thing with highly improved efficiency. Nothing bad, just showing that things are working properly and clearing out everything.  It's easier and there's no feeling of broken glass tumbling around inside my belly all day.

Well, the preparation isn't easier.  There's all the produce to buy, store, prep, and juice.  Then I have to clean the juicer.  Then dispose of the scraps and pulp, which requires a trip to the compost pile in my backyard.  So I hate prep and cleanup, but it love my yummy fresh juice, and I definitely need to get my veggies in somehow.  Juice takes care of it.  So I'm mainlining vitamins.  No wonder I lost weight and felt great last time.  

So it's on again.  I'd love to be lighter and leaner by the time I head back to Europe.  Traveling will be a lot more comfortable without my belly in my way.  

No comments:

Post a Comment