Monday, January 20, 2014

Personal Honesty

The pain I'm dealing with, has killed my appetite.  If I'm honest with myself, checking into all of the symptoms, I've hit three red flag warning signs that require me to see a doctor.  

I'm not afraid to see one, exactly.  I'm just dreading the inconvenience.  If it requires surgery, which I suspect it might, there's the preparation for missing work.  And then there's the aftermath of missing work.  And then there's the inevitable exhaustion that comes from recovering from major organ surgery.  A fully solo recuperation, I might add.  I suppose I'll have to put some premade meals in the freezer if things go badly.  Badly, as in, I have to have surgery.

I'll get aggravated if they tell me to just put up with the pain.  I'll be aggravated if they throw drugs at me.  I'll be aggravated if they tell me to accept my fate and let them start butchering me.  I'll be aggravated if a man tells me I'm imagining all this.  * I might curse him out if that's the best that he can do.  I really want a female doctor, preferably one who is a bit older than me and experienced some of the same so she has some empathy.

Well, what would make me happy about all this? Oh, I suppose someone with a magic wand to wave and fix it all that way.  I won't worry unless someone says "general anesthesia," because a doctor can make all sorts of bad decisions on your behalf while you have a tube jammed down your unconscious throat, and I wasn't planning on losing any organs unless someone asked me for a kidney, to be honest.

I don't trust doctors anymore.  I don't trust men.  All right, I really don't trust anybody.  I especially don't trust myself to have feelings about anyone or anything, actually. (Thanks a lot, fella. I should have known when I saw the cowboy boots what you were planning.  It wouldn't have been so bad if you hadn't deliberately wrapped it all in a lie.) 

You can't really blame me, can you? 

But just to show I'm not being completely focused on the negative, I'm going to the gym for my shoulder and chest workout so my coach will approve, which will allow me to stay seated, and hopefully I won't have any problems crop up.  At least nothing will require standing while I'm there. Standing would hurt.  I'm all about pain avoidance right now.  Crushed, defriended, abandoned... Well, I've already been through that.  That was the worst part of last year.

Time to focus on the future, not the past.  It has some positive potential.

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