Sunday, August 10, 2014

Fat Bitch Talk

Now that I've had my day ruined....

I decided last night that I was going to stop trying to starve myself into losing weight. (I'm not referring to my juicing.  Just the "eat a meal occasionally but not regularly because you're afraid of every bite" approach I fell into once again. Juicing made me feel healthy, but right now I don't have time or energy to shop and prepare juices.) It doesn't work, most especially on me.  

Here's what this week's phone call touting Nutri System has done to me:

I'm in tears, because I can't stand pointless criticism over something I can't control and never could.  When I was a skinny teenager, I was criticized over my protruding hipbones.  I have wide "childbearing" hips.  They had zero fat on them back then.  No amount of starvation would have given me the hips of a boy.  

I do not know what to say to shut down the loudest critic I've ever had.  I'm really overwhelmed with all the horrible things I'm thinking and feeling right now, not the least of which is that I can't respond at all, because what if it's the last conversation I ever have with him?  I don't want to live guilt-filled forever because I finally stood up for myself with someone who still guilt-trips me for one angry scene over twenty years ago.  I really have enough to handle as it is, and I'm not currently doing too well with that.

Want an example? It's almost 2 pm and I have managed not to eat anything since I woke up, several hours ago.  I haven't finished the cup of coffee I started drinking over two hours ago.  I'm nauseated.  And now...  Well, with the control-freak putting a metaphorical chokehold on my ability to get on with my day, all I can do is try to keep this from turning into a full-scale anxiety attack.  

I started the day researching healthy meals I could make ahead and freeze, so that even when I'm pressed for time, I can still eat properly.  Check my Pinterest boards and you can see for yourself. I even learned that I can put my food in a smaller dish inside my slow cooker to avoid buying a smaller slow cooker just to avoid burning stuff in smaller portions.  

Now I'm sitting here shut down with my lizard brain shouting at me, "Food is the enemy! Don't eat it!"  

Oh my God, how can I buy groceries and cook with all that hanging over my head today?  It really is easier to just refuse to eat.  

Yet... I'm going to make a batch of breakfast burritos today, to freeze, and one other dinner time meal. It's a start.  A tiny start.

No, I'm not going to eat Nutri System garbage, if for no other reason than to prove that nobody is going to tell me what to do with my body, and nobody will take credit for "saving me".  If you want that ego boost, head to Africa and start saving away.  

And if you dare to buy it for me, this puppet is going to sever the strings and go away.  

Stress makes me gain weight.  
I become very stressed when certain people try to control my health.
Therefore, making every conversation an opportunity to criticism my weight, is, in fact, making me gain weight.

I was able to lose weight when nobody was interfering.  

How about loving me for who I am?  Which is -- a person who has been so extremely tolerant of the narcissistic attacks that I haven't come back at my attacker but once in my life?  And why? Because I don't want to hurt them with what I could say.  I've held myself back from retaliations since I was a little girl for fear of causing lasting pain to someone else.  

I suppose it's time for a personality change.  Want to call me a bitch?  Fine.

I'm going to make sure I live up to it.  You've got it coming.

My tears will dry.  I'll stop shaking and dry-heaving.  I'll get on with my day.  

But I won't forget.  I never really forget important things.

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