Saturday, August 9, 2014


Okay, I guess it's time for me to do something that has me scared to death:

Start eating again, regularly.  

I'm scared I'll start gaining massive amounts of weight when I do, of course.  However, I've gained some back while I've been starving myself, and I can't quite get into my juicing properly because I'm so damn tired all the time.

Example: I finally got a full night's sleep last night, and I've been worn out all day, despite taking my B vitamins and a double dose of B-12.  The past two weeks, I haven't gotten a full night's sleep, and I haven't slept well when I was in bed.

It hit me the other day when I tried to figure out the last time I had eaten a real serving of decent meat. (Meaning, not the sprinkles found on a yummy Alvino's pizza.)  I'm pretty sure that it was in Paris, almost two months ago.  ...Not that I really enjoyed the chicken there.  Irish food was actually more to my taste, though I've been daydreaming about Cornish pasties ever since.

Nothing I eat really seems to help my energy levels, though it does stop the hunger pangs.  I haven't been eating any real food, because I've been too tired to get in the kitchen and cook, then have leftovers annoy me for days afterward.  

I've been getting dizzy several times a day, and everything hurts.  I'm sure someone will tell me, there you go being negative again, but it's more of a confession than a whine.  I've been trying to hide that my nerve pain and numbness have spread, and all of my joints are aching constantly.  It wouldn't do any good to tell anyone anyway.  Everyday people don't care and doctors only want to look at one problem at a time, promising to look at other injuries after they fix this one... And it's been over a year of treatment without any improvement in my hips, while all the time I've been nursing a gluteal tear, untreated. 

(Note: I watched Ravenous last night.  I've seen it before, but this time I recognized the expression on Capt. Boyd's face as he sat there in front of a bowl of cannibal's stew, not wanting to eat, bleeding to death, eyes rolling up uncontrollably in his head.  He would rather have died than deal with his guilt for eating, but he had to stop the psycho ringleading the whole circus.  Resignation and horror for what he was doing.)

So why tell anyone how much I'm hurting? It won't do any good.

And the malnutrition? Well, it's not the first time I've walked through that minefield.  It's not like meals consisting of one food I hated, such as cooked turnip greens, and nothing else, were exactly nutritionally balanced.  Certainly doesn't seem appropriate for a growing child in a middle class family which isn't having money problems.  

I suppose what I need to do is some major meal prep on the weekends, then crock pot cooking through the week.  But here's what I've run into.  All those crock pot recipes say to set the cooker on low for 4-6 hours. If I do that, won't my food be burned by the time I get home from work? It's happened before! I cooked some steel-cut oats overnight, following a recipe I'd found online, and I awoke to burned oats. 

Who the heck burns oats in a slow cooker?  I started with plenty of liquid! It was a blackened, crunchy mess by morning.  

It seems that you have to be cooking for a huge crowd to avoid every recipe over cooking.  Because there is just me, I really don't want to cook six or eight servings of anything that will nag me for a week.  And honestly, none of the recipes I've seen look tempting to me.  Another confession: I'm a bit clueless about how to buy cuts of meat, having been unable to afford it for all these years.  

But I'm a good cook.  Ha ha ha. Seems contradictory, doesn't it?  I suppose I'd better try, because I just haven't felt well lately. 

Still, I'm scared to eat regular meals.  I know it's bordering on being an eating disorder, but don't you have to at least be "successful" at it for it to be an eating disorder?  Is it really anorexia if you're not thin?  Apologies to those who have suffered it, but I really don't know the answer to that.  

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