Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Spurred to Inaction

I had my follow up yesterday for my do-over MRI.  (The first one was pretty poorly executed.). Diagnosis: bone spurs in the hip socket.  The doctor could grind them off but he isn't sure that would alleviate the pain I feel, considering that I feel the pain higher up on my pelvis than in my hip socket.  Then again, he says, I may just be "wired weird" and feeling the pain in an unusual place.  Nevertheless, he doesn't want to do the surgery not knowing for sure because it would involve removing my leg from the socket.  I suppose the trauma and possible complications from the surgery are just too great compared to my pain.  

So I'm going to have to live with it and take a daily anti-inflammatory as a remedy, until something truly more catastrophic happens with that area of my body.  

He twisted, pulled, and manipulated my leg trying to induce the pain of a serious labral tear, but none of it was more than uncomfortable to me in his office -- hours later I started hurting in those places, of course.  Maybe my idea of pain isn't the same as his.  I've been dealing with migraines so long that noing else is quite as excruciating to me.  I deal with pain and push away my notice of it because I'm pretty sure that most of the time, there's nothing that can be done, and more often than that, nobody but me really cares about keeping me out of pain.  

So I have a prescription that I don't want to take and another month of physical therapy to go through to strengthen my adductors.  This time I don't intend to drop my legwork at the gym, though.  It didn't really do anything for me than to kill my established exercise routine and make me lose ground on tryng to lose weight.  

I think the only medical bright spot of my weekend was when I had to go to the urgent care clinic on Sunday for my migraine (4 days long) and the nurse practitioner said I have a nice low heart rate.  That's good, because when I do my cardio, it's always pushing 180 bpm, which is far above recommended pace for someone my age.  

Where is my mind now? I feel like giving up and just living with the pain.  Someday I won't be able to walk and then they'll probably still scratch their heads and say they don't understand why I don't fit into their pre-defined lists of symptoms.  

And I'll tell ya, this isn't doing good things for my already missing holiday spirit.  Christmas is feeling (emotionally) to me this year the way it has felt for the past seven years.  I feel inexplicably sad, and I still don't want to do any holiday decorating.  I just want to go home, go to bed, and sty there the rest of the day.  I don't want to participate in anything holiday related.  Not the office potluck, the office Christmas party, the cousins' Christmas party, and not even Christmas.  

You'd think that with all the bright lights my neighbors put up that I'd feel cheerful, but I'm still driving up to a dark and gloomy house, and I don't have time to decorate because I'm getting pulled in so many directions for everything else. I feel like that blob in the Zoloft ads.  I want to drop everything except work and sleep, even fun stuff like painting.  Well, it was fun until I started struggling with the current painting.  Now it's a chore.  And I have to start and finish a painting by Christmas.

Is it just stress? Social anxiety?  (I just ran from the teachers' dining room rather than make small talk with the people actually enjoying holiday stuff. I just needed to flee back to my room with the lights off so I can cry by myself for no good reason.). I can't handle even a good change in my life without freaking out and wanting to retreat into a dark space by myself. Or is it my old shadow depression, which never really leaves, though I do manage to ignore it for chunks of time?  Maybe it's hormones gearing up to kick me in the teeth yet again.  

I don't know. Whatever it is, I'm miserable and I don't know why.  Yet here I sit, making a bunch of handmade gifts for Christmas and hoping for a blizzard this week.  Dreading Christmas and being around people.  Thinking if I could wear an elf costume to Christmas, my goofy attire would distract me from the gloom.  But I can't find one premade and I don't know if I have time to sew one together. 

I hate feeling this way.  I really do.  I should go wrap up in a blanket and hide in a closet somewhere.

Oh,  this might be slightly funny... I've been informally diagnosed with narcolepsy.  Now THAT might explain the nighttime hot flashes and my ability to have vivid dreams within minutes of falling asleep... Even with all the lights in to room on.

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