Friday, March 20, 2015

First Day of Spring

And I've got some serious blahs.  All right, just call it a depression resurgence. It's one of those conditions for which there is no cure.

I've spent most of Spring Break alone, and though I know it's really bad for me, there wasn't any way around it.  We had two days of sunshine and warm weather, and then winter came back.  *sigh*. I didn't accomplish all I wanted to, but I did get a major start in that dreaded renovation project.  After a couple of days, my mental "This is too hard -- what's the point?" kicked in with a vengeance.  

Part of it was the house, and part was my health, and though I've shunned all doctor contact for now, I'm wondering if my hip pain isn't just the beginning of a more serious problem.  My nerve pathways have all been lighting up with pain like a set of intermittent Christmas lights for the past few weeks, and I'm wondering what's going on.  My last day of work, every joint in my body was aching.  It hasn't really let up yet.  Neck, shoulders, knees, ankles, hips, elbows...  All hurting right now.  Every time I get up, whether it's to get out of bed in the morning or just to go to the bathroom, walking is painful.  

What's going on?  I don't know.  My dad has newly diagnosed rheumatoid arthritis, but I was tested for that, lupus, and mononucleosis a few years ago when I broke out in a neck-down rash and my wrists and fingers curled inward and I couldn't straighten them. I now spend my days wondering if mom's osteoarthritis is starting to hit, or if it's dad's RA.  I feel like I can't dodge either one now.  

Of course, the joints aren't all that hurt.  I've found my forearms flashing pain and my glutes too.  Places that aren't even joints have joined in.  Seeing as I lack a competent doctor to check these problems out, I can't see the point in going for tests, one office visit charge at a time.  You could go in with a broken leg and arm, with a gaping head wound, and all the doctors I know would say, let's stitch that up this week, and you can come back to get the leg fixed in another few weeks, and the arm a few weeks after that.  

My thought is that I'm already injured in numerous ways, so how about LISTENING to me tell you what's ailing me instead of trying to figure out how to squeeze more office visits out of me?  There's always that possibility that if a doctor really examines the case, they might find the symptoms to be the work of one treatable condition.  

I'm trying to eat healthily with juicing, but I'm having a hard time starting again.  It's an unshakeable defeatist attitude, and yet I know I'll feel better after a few pounds are gone. I don't want to go to the grocery store.  I don't want to drink my juice after I've made it, and I feel like I'm going to fail anyway.  The lack of crunchy food gets to me.  Maybe I should try making some baked veggie chips.  Zucchini turned out to be wonderful, but they do not go very far.  Maybe baked sweet potato chips.  

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